With laughter. With Smiles. Always.

When a person dies, a door shuts but with one closed door, opens up a lot more for others. We realised that life is temporary. We learn to treasure what we have. We analyse things with more care. For once, we are finally able to hear and see.

In every of my down, I found ups. When I gained something, I lose the other. In one mistake, I learned lessons worth for life. I couldn't have everything in life, that I realised. I couldn't help making errors and mistakes along the way and that's okay, because that's how life was destined to be but sometimes, just sometimes, I couldn't help asking myself whether I could undone what's done because a mistake isn't a mistake unless it can't be repaired. That's what I thought yesterday. That was the question that kept whirling in my head but today, something else hit me; do I want it to be repaired? Is it worth it, to lower my pride, to shake off all the doubts and just act...hoping for the best? When I know somewhere in my heart it's pointless.

Yes, I want it to be repaired but I don't want to end up repairing it alone. It is worth it for the sake of the past but what's past can't be the future. Even after all that, I find myself not wanting to do it. In the end, I'm the one who remembers. In the end, I'm the one who cares and in the end, I'm the one who'll get hurt again. Those are not what I want. Like a VASE, it's fragile. When it breaks, it can be mended. A mended vase however is full of cracks. It doesn't have the smooth surface it once had. I don't want a mended vase.

What's written can be unwritten. What's painted can be erased. It just shows that nothing's permanent. People changed. The world changed. Thus our views on things aren't the same anymore. Everything's different. That's the way the world goes. That's the way life works.
I am not a quitter. I don't do jobs halfway. But I do know when to quit. I do sense it when all my hard work is going to be wasted. Quitting doesn't mean you're giving up. Quitting is knowing when to stop and I guess, I'm quitting =) I can't cling to the past forever. I can't spend my days asking, worrying and wondering. I've done what I could. I've spend huge chunks of my days just trying to figure everything out. Everything links. When I'm cold, I would find ways to warm myself. When I cry, I would find ways to smile. There's no reason why I couldn't do the same now. I got myself into this mess in the first place. That's my fault and I'm the one to blame. I'll get myself out of it as well.

Whatever happens, I try not to judge people. When it comes to human, it's too subjective. We can be nice when we want. Yet the next time we'll be shouting and banging on tables. We act differently towards different people. Maybe that's why it's hard to fathom out someone because you'll never know. If this is what it seems, then let it be. In the end when we look back, we're the one who made the choices. They don't have to be the right ones. There's no question about that here. It's the fact that you got yourself in control. It's the fact that you managed to mend things however the turnout turns to be. How you mend it is up to you.

At last, I'm able to smile. Not an evil smile. Not a fake smile. Not a sarcastic smile. But a sincere smile that comes from my heart.

Just A Smile

A heart-shape balloon caught in the stream of sunlight. It sat there on the tiles by itself, all alone. Glowed in the darkness. It was so beautiful I couldn't resist snapping a picture xD

And while I stood there, just watching, I realised no matter how nasty I found life was- if I could make an effort to pause for a while and observed, I might notice these things. Little, bits of things that I would normally walk by without a second glance. Amazing things that could score a person's day =)

I was about to write a post on how stupid I've been lately. How everything sucked. How my life was like waves in the sea, when this question strucked me;

Since when am I such a quitter?

What happened to the person who's heavenly =P stubborn?

What happened to the girl who would never give up until she got what she wanted?

What happened to the hard-headed ass who was willing to argue long into the night just to get her points across?

And...I realised I didn't know. What happened to me? So I've been feeling tired nowadays. So life has been a rollercoaster. So things are pretty low at the moment. So what?

I need to knock some sense into myself.

Why do people say things they don't mean?

Why do people make others believe things are permanent when they intend it to be temporary?

Haha. The WH questions. I might as well cover them all, lol. Who, when, how. Sheesh.

Imperfect Happiness

Life's never perfect.
There'll always be ups and downs.
Those're what created life.
Expect the most wonderful things
To happen, not in the future
But right now.
Realise that nothing is too good.
When needed, leave the unhappiness behind.
Pick up your courage,
and move on...
To a brighter side.
There'll always be a bright side,
Among that lot of darkness.
Believe me.

=)

Love, from Nisa.

I've finally come to my SENSES.

To Effa, thanks for the lecture. Miss Blog? Erks, watergirl. Lol.
To Terence, thanks for the words of encouragement.
To Lala and Fara, thanks for analysing.
To Ct and Jo, thanks for your guys' concern.
To those who did so, thanks for doing those.
People so know when to make me lose my appetite. Since I'm already chubby =)

Because if it weren't for you guys,

I won't be eating right now xD

Yesterday's breakfast + lunch + tea + dinner all compressed into an instant paratha (which I made myself proudly because my maid's asleep, hehe).

I've experienced my share of pain. Hurt. Whatever you want to call it. Those shits :P But, you know? At least it came with an ending. Not a proper one. But an ending nevertheless.

Ugly memories turned beautiful.
Hurtful words are appreciated.
Attitudes are forgiven.
I learned to forgive.

Yes, I walk slowly now. Step by step. Path by path. One foot at a time. Because I'm afraid of falling and tripping. Again. But like someone told me before, if you fall, you get up. Bruised and scarred from the past, but nonetheless, ready to brave your life once again. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get up. I'm trying to learn to take risks. I'm trying to learn not to be afraid.
I'm learning the early lessons of life. Look right ahead. Glance to my left and right. To the trees. To my clouds. To Mr. Sun. Kicking the twigs along the way. And not another glance spare to the past.

I just want to be myself again =)

Crackos

Yesterday was fun fun fun. And erks, weird. Just a bit of that though.

Anyway....

Went to Lala's house at 10.00 am. Arrived there at 10.11 am actually. That's because I knew the others would be late AS USUAL. Guess what? I was the first one there! I so know my friends, haha. Then me and Lala went to Boulevard to buy some stuff for our Laksa Sarawak. No fresh coconut milk. But she bought the instant one just in case. Went to another shop. No fresh coconut milk. It's as if Miri had run out of it. Bluekkk. So we went back to her house. And get this, still no sign of Effa and Fara. Hmm hmm hmm. We decided to start preparing the dish without them. Nearing 12 pm, the princessess arrived, lol. Trust Effa to ask me to come at 10 am. But even after 1 and a half hour, lunch still wasn't ready. So we did this, did that. Laughed, made dumb jokes, teased Effa (oh yeah) and of course, prepared lunch. At last at 1.30 PM, lunch was ready. And that's with the four of us in the kitchen...

We ate ate ate while complaining how hot the paste was. I drank 2 glasses of water and still my laksa wouldn't finish. Effa's nose got red. Everyone was sniffing and had to get tissue. Except for Lala. She didn't even touch her drink. So not fair! Then we had desert. This milk + jelly pudding which Effa didn't like- the dairy hater- but which me and Fara adored. FYI, we made the desert as well. Um, you know, there was some spilling and stuff..ok,that's me. Lala did fine. Hoho. After lunch, to which Effa and Fara claimed they had 1 and a half bowl of laksa, not TWO, we just sort of sat there, stuffed and bloated like pythons, listening to Lala's mum about her trip to Crocodile Farm that morning, which according to her was a nightmare. The snakes. Lol. Then Lala's sister asked us whether we wanted to join them to PC Fair. We agreed. We went by Effa's car, but with Lala as the driver. Welcome to the amateur world. The first 2 minutes was bumpy and we ended up laughing in the car. Going to Fara's house first since she wanted to change, "I never wore a skirt in public before!" :P And of course, we passed by my house and I went, "Oooh, my house!". Because I was really missing it having stayed at Gran's place for 4 days. Then Fara had to make this suggestion which made Lala parked in front of another person's house so we could think about it. This suggestion of hers? "Nisa, why don't you use your house's toilet while they drop me at my house. After I've changed, we'll pick you up," I was, GET OUT. I could hold it. I wouldn't die because of that. SHEESH. But Fara was totally adamant about it. Being a doctor's daughter, she went into a full lecture about how it's not good bla bla bla. The others totally agreed and Lala reversed and send me home so I could pee. See how funny that sounded girlfriends? Because I refused to use the toilet at Lala's house since they're no slippers to use in the toilet and Fara wasn't sure whether her house's got them. Slippers I mean. Lol. After that, they picked me up and we went to Indoor Stadium where the event was held. It was packed! Totally packed! We couldn't walk a few steps without bumping into someone we knew. I think we greeted people more than we browsed around.

Scoop of the day:

We met the MIAA (according to Effa. Where did you get that girl?) guy way back from primary school. He's the MIAA guy because he's ultimately missing in action. Like no one knew anything about him. At all. After a while we greeted him (because nobody dared to) and had an awkward conversation. I blame you Lala =)

Fara was waiting for her batteries- that's the real reason she wanted to go there in the first place. Because she wanted to pick up her batteries since she bought the digi camera the day before- and the salesman said they're on their way. After that we just sort of milled around. Lala went back with her family but we stayed. The batteries. Then we saw a couple of chairs at the side and we decided to sit because there's just so many people. We sat. We talked. And talked. And talked. Then Effa said, "Why are we talking about these stuff in public?? We should find a cafe or something,". So we picked up Fara's batteries and went to Desserts and ordered and talked a lot more.

" Ey, I'm gonna take your guys' picture. Candid," Right, candid. But she told us. We were talking anyway so we ignored her. So yea, so-called candid.

Greedy Effa. That's the whole point of taking that picture. It was intended to be that way, lol. Still, love her anyway.

After that we send Fara home because it's almost 6 pm already. Then we went to my gran's house. Where I packed my stuff. Where Effa took pictures of my pillow hug. She is so dead. Even though I totally owe her one. Then she send me home. Another day had ended =)

Breathing

I think I might survived through this. Despite the lack of sleep. Despite the lose of appetite. Despite the extra-tripping. I might just.
I am a sponge. And a sponge, does what it does best. It soaks all the pain. Heavier. But it still bounces. Here and there. Elastic. But it never breaks.
I am not a human. Human is fragile. Human breaks down. Human cuddles on it's bed and cries itself to sleep. Human builds up hopes just to have them crushed. Human plans for something that will never come true. Human hurts.
But if Human dies, people lament over it.
If Sponge's wearing thin, people tossed it into the bin.
And buy a new one.

표준의, 모범적인

Quiet and still. Just the way I like it xD

Don't feel like sleeping yet. So here I am. Typing away. If I could find something to type. I don't know, haha. Still chatting though. With my + sot sot + friend who's still awake. Everyone else's already sleeping cozily on their bed. Maybe. Who knows. Who cares.

Anyways, the plan to go to school today was cancelled. Since Ct's going to Bintulu and Asy may go to Kuching the next day. So without them both, there'll only be the 3 of us. I would say we're not brave enough to face the teachers. I know I'm not. I still don't dare to face Mdm. Chai up to this day because of my 2A. Yep. I promised her an 1A. So..yeah. You get the picture ^^ There's still next week though. Kolej won't go anywhere. It's been there for 50 years! God knows it wouldn't move. Haha. That is if there won't be another landslide. Or if the buildings won't crumbled before they could rebuild them. Lol. But still, I love that place.

I was planning to watch 1 Litre of Tears again tonight. Wanted to finish episode 9 to 11. But then I decided I didn't need to bawl my eyes out late at night. Or early in the morning. I so have to thanks Terey for introducing it to me, hehe. I mean, it's the only series I could stand watching. Without forwarding. Or skipping scenes. I don't think I've ever mentioned that to him :P

Well, I was never good at complimenting and apologising. Or accepting those. The other day, I made muffins. And yesh, they looked and tasted like muffins - especially for those who doubt my baking skills. Not that I've many. And yes Terey. Your name is on top of the list - So Dad ate one of them and I happened to poke my head out of my bedroom at that time. Okay, that was a lie. Forgive me. I did that on purpose since I wanted to know what he thought of my muffins. When he saw me, he said, " Your cake tasted nice." Then I looked at him pointedly and replied, " Dad. They're muffins." He looked confused, " What? ". So I repeated, " They're muffins.". Then he said, " Oh, your muffin was great. You should make them again,". I just stared at him, withdrew my head and shut the door. Unbelievable! Lol.

WHY ARE THE CLOCK'S HANDS MOVING SO SLOWLY? The last time I checked, it was 2.40 am. Now it's only 3.06 am. 26 minutes! That's how long I've spend on babbling! Well, not exactly the clock. It's a digital one. And it doesn't have any hand right? Just wanted to sound dramatic. Hehe. For some reason, I've a problem at reading the clock. I mean, I know how to but I'm impossibly slow at reading them. When people asked me what time it was, I just shoved my watch under their noses. Wouldn't want them to get the time wrong would we? Haha. I bought the analogue one because, you know, the digital one would look childish. And I was in no mood to be labelled that. What the heck, my friends still knew I was bad at reading it. Now the watch belongs in it's original place- in it's case. School's over. No point in wearing it. I hate wearing it anyway. Dusty and all, tata.

I was thinking, you know, to do something stupid tonight. I'm always doing that nowadays. Played in the rain in the afternoon. There was nothing else to do anyway. Just thinking of going outside now. Wandering around in the dark. Or just sit in the middle of the road or something. Not like there'll be any car at this time. But, urm, I'm scared. Haha! I don't have enough courage to do that. Maybe someday I'll wake Ct up and ask her to join me in the middle of the night. Besides, two is better than one right?

WHEN WILL IT BE 4 AM??

恨み

If I shouted at the sky and asked it to pour rain, would it rain?
Of course not.

The day has been gloomy ever since morning but it never rained. Okay, it did. But only for a while. It's like watching someone being moody all day but wouldn't say anything that bothers him or her. And you feel like shouting at that person. Yeah, that's how it is. Did nothing much today. Been clinging 24/7 to my pillow hug again. I don't know. I tend to do that a lot nowadays. Dragging my pillow hug with me everywhere I go I mean. And accidently leaving it in inappropriate places till my mum bising :P

Bising! My first malay word in here! But I guess it's necessary.

Anyways, I wrote 8 pages in my diary last night. Broke my old record! Lame, I know. Wrote for almost 2 hours I guess. Since there's nothing to do. I'll have to buy a new diary soon since there're only 13 pages left. I counted ;) 5 days worth of writing? I think so. I checked in Popular and Parkson before and they didn't have any nice diary. Bother. I always buy mine there. As I've said before, I don't like changes. Even in little things. There are certain stuff I get bored over easily, but that's it.

My mum spend her day baking buns and bread. They looked like bread and tasted like one. Despite the different ingredients and names and shapes. Reminds me of humans. In the end, we remain what we are. Just humans. Weak, fragile and useless. I just...want to get away from here now. Away from this place. From the boredom. From the so-called friends. Leave this place and never face any of them again. Won't that be nice? That's my fairytale now.

It's amazing wherever you go you only hear about how nice friends are, friends are like chocolate yada yada yada. Where did the nasty parts went to? Maybe on a long vacation or something. Or maybe they just forgot to mention them. Because that's a part of reality. Those're the facts. They should say friends are like chipsmore. One time they're there. The other time they're gone. I know I'm talking crap, but that can happen. Maybe it already did. There's nothing more permanent than being hurt by your friends. Enough said about that.

My parents were talking about my brother just now. He's in form 5 now by the way. The usual stuff. Grades, tuitions etc.. PHYSICS. So mum said, "Madam Chai's very good. Look at Yazid. He didn't need to go to tuition last time AND he got 1A for physics,". Hearing that, I snapped at her, "Even if you had 10 teachers teaching you, you still wouldn't score in it if you're not interested."
I got both of the best teachers yet my physics still sucked. No need to rub it in. I know I'm stupid.

I don't know myself. I don't know the people around me. I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't know to whom I should confide in. I don't know whether I should laugh my head off. I don't know whether I should break down and cry. I don't know anything. I'm hopeless.

p/s: Hatred. Pain. Resentment. Welcome to my life *hugs*

Right Ahead

Sometimes I wonder.

Who's the one who has changed?
Whose fears are greater?
Who ignores?
Who distrusts?
Who doubts?
Who pretends?
And
Who keeps the distance?

I couldn't answer all those.

Erased

People say the world is small and time is short. But when you're anticipating for something, the world suddenly becomes larger and time seems to stretch forever.
I need an eraser. I need liquid. I need Clorox. 
What I don't need, is a permanent marker.  
A fake smile pasted. For a million people out there.
Another chapter of damnation, here I come.
Goodbye.

Ice and Lemon

Syafiqah says:
i wonder..lps 5 thn..kta akan kata benda tok lgk..
Syafiqah says:
we will or we won't?
dumplings and pau says:
won't
Syafiqah says:
huhu..sedehnya..
Syafiqah says:
or x sedeh?
dumplings and pau says:
sik

2 words were all it took. And it makes me wonder, why am I always so cold when it comes to stuff like that? How could I be so definite, so sure? But I am.
All my life, I always get what I want. Doesn't matter whether I deserve it or not, I'm used to getting my way. And that's why I'm so stubborn. My word is law xD But then being cold and heartless weren't in the list. I don't know when did I become like that. When I'm cold, well, I don't like it when I am. I become ignorant. I stop caring. I hurt a lot of people in the process. And that's not good.
I am someone who likes to be in control in everything. I'm not a control-freak, I could care less about other things. I believe that my life and everything in it is in my hands. I control who I want to be. I decide who I should like and who I shouldn't. I let my head do most of the jobs instead of my heart. Because I believe, to succeed you must be able to control your emotions. But as I grow up, I find things harder to handle. Some things are just out of our control. And learning that, knowing what I want isn't what it seems to be, is a slap on the face. I told someone once we must always be prepared. Be open and accept all possibilities. So that at the end of the day, we wouldn't get hurt. I was wrong. We wouldn't be hurt that much was the answer. Because no matter what, hurt will always be there. It's not something we could help with.
A question a friend threw at me caught me off guard; what is the connection between what we want and what we fight for? Instantly, the answer came; what we want is what we fight for. But then it strucked me that that wasn't necessarily the case. Not everyone gets the chance to fight for what they want. For those who do, they're blessed. Some people only make it half-way. Yet some make it to the top. Everything, it depends on you. If anyone asked me what I wanted out of life, I wouldn't be able to answer that. Beyond my ambition, I don't know the answer. Life offers so much, yet we get so little. I just know that whatever I'm fighting for, or will fight for, must be what I want. But then fighting without knowing that is like plunging blindly into the sea. Then came the next question; Is what we want is the right thing? What is the right thing? Tricky.

Bits of life

For days I've been signing in and out of my blog, not knowing what to write. But now I'll just type and see where this will lead to. I guess I've been feeling pretty empty nowadays.
What is there to smile at?
None.
What is there to be enthusiastic about?
Nil.
What is there to be sighed of?
Plenty.
Haha. So there you go. My life. Summed up in 3 simple questions. Everyone loves simplicity =) Isn't that what people usually say nowadays? The i-am-simple phrase. I don't know if that's really true or they're just being modest. But hey? Nobody's simple. You might like simple things, might lead a simple life, but in reality, you're not simple. I think I am, but heck, none of my friends would agree to that. In truth, I know I'm not. Just because I think bread and buns are humans' hugest achievement and whatever beyond simplicity is just downright annoying, I am far from simple. Complicated, yeah. That sometimes I don't quite get myself. But I sure do know how to complicate things ;)
The one time that I would really analyse life is when I'm with my gran. It makes me wonder and question everything. It's not "How will I be in the next 60 years?". It's more to "How do I want to be in the next 60 years?" I want to be plump and cheerful. Like a mother hen. Haha. But obviously, 60 years is a long time. Sadly, I might not live up to that age. I'm dying of boredom already. Just that, she's old. And she might not live long enough to see me succeed in life. And when that time comes, I wouldn't know how deal with it. She's been there since the day I was born. She was the one who raised me because dad wasn't there. Maybe that's why I'm a spoilt brat, lol. And I love her to bits because like everyone else's granny, she makes a big deal out of my achievements and brags me to her friends and always sides with me whenever I have an argument with my siblings or parents. So they know not to find any fault with me whenever gran's around :P

Clouds

I feel cold. And yet, I winced when I saw the sun glaring outside. Then the warmth started to spread. Just for a second before it's gone again. It wouldn't stay. A coldness no sun could ever reach. I want to cry. But the tears wouldn't flow no matter how hard I try. I want to give in to the pain. Once and for all and get over it. So I can move on. So I can forgive and maybe, forget. I don't want to remember. I don't want anything. Is there pain? There wasn't in the first place. Is it possible to curl up on the bed and sleep and never wake up? I want that. I hate waiting. Very much. To the core of my being. But that's what I'm doing. A waiting that has no ending in sight. Waking up to moments I'm not sure I'm experiencing. 5 years ago, the incident happened. And 5 years later, I'm suddenly being reminded by it. Something I swore I'd never do ever again. I remembered the feeling. The feeling when you knew your problems were solved. The feeling when you felt nothing could hurt you. A feeling of relieved, because the pain was ending. And the amazing thing was you did it all by yourself, without anyone's help.
I love clouds. Admiring their marshmallow-likeness. Wondering what's behind them. And how do they feel if they're in my grasp. No matter where I go, no matter where I end up, the clouds are always there. They will always be there. Night and day. They would never leave me. But clouds are just like some of my dreams. Something that I can reach. But never hold. That sometimes I questioned their purpose. They couldn't shield the hot. Nor could they protect me from the rain. Not all the time. I could still feel the heat, could still feel the icy coldness. I want to believe the clouds belong to me. But then, the clouds aren't mine. Everyone owns them.
Every cloud has a silver lining. That when I look up at them, I'm reminded of my purposes in life. Of things that happened in it. Things that I need to do. No matter if it's sunny, or even if it rains, my clouds are there. Just being there. Just like us in this world. We don't need any purpose to live, no matter how empty we feel it is. Because we're already living it. A life to live to it's fullest.


Take a photograph, it'll be the last
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here
I don't have a past, I just have a chance
Not a family or honest plea remains to say

Rain rain go away, come again another day
All the world is waiting for the sun

A New Day

Today i watched the sun rose. I saw sunrise. Something I haven't seen in a long time. Not since school ended. I decided last night that I wanted to see the dawn today. Since it's not like I had anything to do anyway. So I was careful not to fall asleep. I listened to songs, I wrote in my diary, I washed dishes, I lied on my bed doing nothing.... and for those who could see me scrubbing a teapot at 3.30 am, they'd think I was mad :P I wanted to be on time to see it. It was amazing. For me, that is. Oh sure, I got plenty of that during NS but you couldn't really admire the sun rising when you're undergoing physical training could you?

5:58:30 am

6:06:12 am

6:08:06 am

6:12:50 am

6:13:48 am And Mr. Sun woke up :)

As I sat on the swings, legs tucked in, I thought of the memories I've made so far. My memories. Unforgettable events, unforgettable people. At least, for now. There are things I won't forget for life. Things worth remembering. But who was I kidding? We remember. And then we forget. That's the way life works. I may think I won't forget those now. Everyone has experienced that right? The I-will-never-forget-this-moment moments. As time passed, as life unfold itself bit by bit, I'll experience more. More things to remember, more important events to record. Just like a memory card. When it's full, we delete the old files to make space for the new ones. Or much easier, reformat it. When I managed to overcome something, I used to think that I was mature enough, learned loads already. But when I look back now, I just see an immature version of myself.

Anyway, after I was done snapping pictures outside, I wandered around the house. Because a normal school day was something new to me now. Besides, it's not everyday that I was awake at 6 am :P


A picture of Izzati who insisted on posing like that despite me telling her I wanted to post it on my blog. I blame Ustaz Juneed because he taught her that. That girl does not know the meaning of a proper picture. But that's one of the things I admire about her I guess. She doesn't give a damn about anything or anyone. Sweet.

The er-I-don't-know-what's-that pose?

For anyone who knows my brother, that picture's so not candid. There's no way he'd open a book early in the morning. Unless, of course if he's completing a last-minute homework. Like this morning, he woke up at 5.30 am to search for his BM ULBS online. Nice. These people woke up at 6 am and left home at 6.40 am. Ha! Thank God I'm done with school.

Panda eyes, panda eyes. I need some sleep XD

Little Secrets

When I was a child, I broke my mum's flower pot. I was riding my bicycle merrily, without realising there was a pot in front of me and smashed right into it. That pot, unfortunately, was located right outside my mum's room. Meaning if she were happened to look out of her windows at that moment, she'd have seen the whole ordeal. But LUCK was on my side because the sun was retreating and night had almost befallen. Frantically trying to avoid my mum's temper, I asked for my siblings' help. So the three of them tried to glue back the pot together while I just stood behind them, rushing them to be quick. Because of that, my siblings had missed their Power Rangers show. More importantly, I escaped with nothing but a secret. Until today, they never breathed a word to anyone. And neither had I, until this moment.
That was the secret I had had when I was a little girl. An innocent secret, a redundant secret. One that would only make my mum shakes her head if she knows about it now. One that my siblings still laughed at whenever they remember the incident. And of course, not forgetting the bit where they had missed their Power Rangers show.
Secrets. Be it a child's fear of breaking her mum's pot, or one's sacrifices for those one cares for, we all have them. I certainly do. But the difference between my secrets now and those of 10 years ago is that they do more to people than arousing their tempers. They are able to put a smile on someone's face or brighten someone's day. Secrets that are able to make that smile freezes, and smashed one's heart into smithereens. In a way, secrets held more power than spoken words. Because they're unspoken. An inner side of someone, held deep within itself. And what's unspoken is sometimes more important that what you can hear and listen.
I once wrote that I didn't like writing about things I didn't like, things I didn't want to remember, things that made me felt sad. Those are my secrets. Something that I not only concealed from those around me, but from my blogs and my diary as well. They're never written. Because I'm afraid of HURTING people. Sometimes, the more people reach out towards you, the more you pull yourself into the shadow, ignoring contact. Because you know they're there to help and to offer comfort but you know they can't. It's not that they won't understand your problems, or being unable to handle them. It's because you're unable to tell them what your problems are. You're scared you're going to hurt them instead. When I do know that hurting is even worse than being hurt. Or maybe, I'm just scared of hurting myself. It goes both ways.

I don't know

I woke up today, feeling entirely different. As if i've discovered a part of me that i never knew about. And i'm not sure. Hatred? Love? Forlorn? Maybe all.

"The man always thought that farewells are always harsh. They're always harsh and sad. If he never encountered anyone then he wouldn't suffer so much. If he hadn't met her..if it makes him sad then why should he want to meet anyone? So....But if they hadn't met, he would never have had such happy times. Eventually, the man started going out into town again. He learned not to be afraid of farewells, to meet people, to not be afraid of misunderstandings, and to get to know others.There may be harsh farewells like the harshness of winter, but one day...he can meet someone again. Someday, he can meet a person as warm as the spring sunlight."

Mahoraba Heartful Days


"And for anyone who's ever had that connection with someone, even if it only lasted for five minutes, it's important. For once, I didn't feel that I was living in an entirely different world from everyone else, but that in fact there was a person, a person I liked and respected, who had a piece of my heart, who felt the same way."

If You Could See Me Now

Fun and Madness

Today has been a fantastic day. Seriously xD

Okay, let's start from the moment i woke up. Which was at 12.50 pm. It was totally unintended! I already woke up earlier at 9 am and thought i'd just resume my sleep for a while. That 'a while' turned out to be erm, 3 hours and 50 minutes? Haha. So i woke up because effa called me. Thank God she did because if she didn't i might had overslept. I took one glance at my handphone and went hysterical - " Oh my God effa, it's one o'clock!" and she went, " Yes, it is. And you're still sleeping!" - because our primary 6 gathering's supposed to be at 2 pm. Yes, primary 6. I don't know, our old class teacher, Cikgu Zam told Fara he wanted to meet us all and it just sort of...formed itself into a gathering. Lol. Anyway, i still needed to take a bath and got ready and managed the chicken wings. I got ready in 40 minutes, quick for me, and for the chicken wings... I just shouted to my maid, "Where're my chicken wings?" ^^

Effa picked me up at 1.50 pm (that was why she called me by the way). She took a look at my stuff and said, "Are those chickens raw?" She looked at me and i looked at her, and we went "Okay. Whatever.Who cares," Then effa stopped for a while to buy the drinks and we started to figure out the way to Taman Selera. We're so busy chatting in the car that i'd completely forgot to remind her which way she was supposed to take. Haha. But then at least we had an excuse for being LATE~ When we arrived there, everyone else was already there. Lala, Fara, Amy, Saza, Harith, Khalid, Amirul and Safwan. The others were either working or...hmm, working. Our teacher arrived at 2.46 pm! That's like 46 minutes late! Then we ate, talked talked talked, laughed laughed laughed, took lots of pictures and took a stroll at the beach and went to esplanade until 6.30 pm. There was a man in Taman Selera who took a video of us for like..10 minutes or so and we were like "What's with him?" So when we're about to pack our stuff, i suggested to my friends that we should give some of our food to him, just to be sarcastic. They all agreed and started to laden the plate with food. Since none of my friends dared to, i put my best girl-next-door attitude and did it. Ha! Gotcha!

I'm tired of typing already, lol. Let the pictures do the talking ;)

Luv em

The food and drinks~

Them

I LOVE Fara's umbrella!

It was damn hot

In the toilet~

Me + Effa + Fara

Puffer fish

Yesterday, i'd spend my night sorting through the cards i'd gotten the year before. A way of entertaining myself since i'd almost died out of boredom which happens a lot now by the way. There was the unique raya card from Terey. Unique because of it's envelope. I remember asking him about it and he said the usual ones would be, well, boring. I've to agree with him. It's amazing how he'd even managed to get his sarcasm inside a raya card :D Then there was the card posted from Wendy. It was sweet of her because at that time she was in KL. Cards, cards and cards. From Rina. From Asylla, Ctah, Ct etc..but i just noticed that those cards were similar in a way. Different events but the same content. SPM. It felt really weird reading those now.

It's been a week since i'd last wrote anything in here. What's there to write anyway?



I'm bored

Enough that i would spend my day at home glancing at the clock, the watch, my handphone. Whatever that's able to tell me the time. And it doesn't help that time doesn't seem to move. Not slowly, not crawling, but not moving. I'd wander around the house, complaining. Or I'd lie quietly on my bed, trying to focus my thoughts elsewhere besides the TIME. Or do odd jobs. Like today, i helped my maid folded clothes. Other days, I helped her washed the dishes. I called those odd jobs because before this, over my dead body would i do house chores. I personally hated folding clothes. Or putting them away. Basically, anything that involved clothes. Except buying and wearing them, of course.



I'm bored

So i would usually spend my afternoons in Parkson with my bro. Or night outings with my parents AND my bro. And somehow, there's always something to buy. Maybe i should learn a thing or two from the shopaholic books. Anyway, the trips to Parkson have become boring as well. It's like there's nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. Nothing new, no excitement whatsoever. And by the way, the whole point of that picture isn't that he'd make a good waiter, though i think he would despite the fact that he'd laughed the last time i'd suggested him to find a job, no. He wanted his SHOES to be in the picture because according to him, there's nothing more important than a pair of decent shoes. Jeans comes in second and lastly, t-shirt. And according to him as well, what's the point of spending hundreds on buying them if you don't show them? Uh, yeah. Like i care.

I'm bored

Which explains why i write in my diary every night. That's one thing i love though. Writing. I could go on for pages. I don't know what i write about since i'd just complained there's nothing to do. So, shouldn't there be nothing to write? But you know, the more boring it gets, the l o n g e r my entry gets. Maybe because that's the time when i'm really good at crapping. And besides, there's nothing to do right? Why shouldn't i write? And oh, at the rate i'm writing, my diary wouldn't even last for another 2 months. Which says something since it's thicker than last year's and THAT lasted for more than a year.

I'm bored

And my brother feels it's not right if he doesn't criticise me in a day. Last night he said i was always writing in my diary and wasn't it boring? He asked me how many hundred pages I'd wrote and when i told him it's only 1 and a half page, he replied sceptically that that's because it's only 12.30 am. Then today he LAUGHED at me because i was folding the clothes. And he asked me to stop wandering around because it annoyed him. Fine. Whatever.

It's stupid because my days are all the same. I wake up just to wait for bedtime. That's like living without any purpose. I might as well sleep the whole day. But of course, I couldn't do that.

smiling o r a n g e s

It has been raining for these past few days.

And as i watched the rain poured, i was reminded by school. To tell you the truth,
the only time i'd enjoyed the rain was during school. For some reason. That's the only place where i could actually feel it. Maybe because classes were so boring. Or when it rained, the teachers usually got distracted as well. And there were the chances we wouldn't be able to hear what they're teaching, haha. So yeah, rain added a bit of excitement to our school lives. Sitting at the very back near the door, the wind was usually strong. I was always reluctant when the teachers asked us to shut the doors and windows when the rain became too heavy. To feel the rain spraying on my face and the wind gushing on my cheeks, it made me feel free. I used to watch the teachers' peach-painted flats as it rained. The harder the rain got, the more blurrish the vision of the flats became. Until they're gone, replaced by the heavy downpour. I thought that if the rain had stayed light, it'd create a beautiful scenery. After all, isn't everything extra beautiful under the drizzle of the rain? Like watching everything in their true nature. Then there were the girls. I couldn't help but smile when i saw them clamped their hands over their ears and started shrieking when the sound of the thunder was heard. It was funny. I mean, come on. We're under a roof surrounded by four walls. I'd say the chances of being strucked down by lightnings were nearing nil.

Then there was that day during NS. 24th February 2007. I remember because i wrote the whole thing in my diary :P It was in the afternoon. Sports were starting at 4.30 pm, so all of us headed to the canteen. But it was raining cats and dogs.Really really heavy. The type of rain where you had to shout to talk to the person sitting next to you. So the sports were cancelled (yay!) and we had to sit there, doing nothing. I sat cozily on the bench-as far as a bench could be cozy-while reading my book and messaging with Terey. My friend nudged me, it was Pija i think. I turned around and saw the teacher making a number 7 with her fingers. She was signalling the occupants of P7A. My friends rushed to the front. I took my time since i DIDN'T enjoy my reading to be disturbed. By the time i reached there, my friends were already running towards the girls' dorm. Rain and all. I was blur. So i asked Juliza what's going on. She answered me by saying,"Our room's flooded!". I did a split thinking, put my book on the teacher's table for fear of it being wet and sprinted to my room. Despite starting late, i was the second one to reach the room. We all stood in front of the door. Then we opened it, expecting the water to rush out............
just to find out everything's the same as they were when left them earlier. Our beds, our shoes, our lockers. Since i've never experienced a flood before, Miri being floodless in my entire life, I was like, "Ok. What am i suppose to do?". Then my friend told me to fold my matress and put all my stuff on the bed or on top of my locker just in case. And so i did. Turned out, the only part that was flooded was the back part. As in nowhere in the room. My roommates took turn sweeping the water using brooms and a dustpan. Seriously. Some of them added in the fun by playing in the rain. I didn't for fear of catching a fever. I've been sick 3 times in a month already. People kept passing by with their umbrellas to see 'the flooded room'. As if that's exciting. And that's how the story of the so-called flood ended :)

Facts and False

Let us face reality for a moment.

False: I have a warm close relationship with my parents.
Fact: I could never get along with them.

False: Boredom is the only thing i'm feeling.
Fact: Tense.

False: I'm forever a spoilt brat, throwing tantrums to get my way.
Fact: I'm trying really hard to control my temper and my patience's
              wearing really really thin.

False: We all enjoy having our family and friends around us.
Fact: Where's the peace?

False: Home's heaven.
Fact: I wish there's somewhere else I could run to.

Damn this world.Or just me.You got your wish.

Black & White

It's weird. Sitting here and yet something feels not quite right. It's like when you look at the sky, the stars and the moon are all there but you know something's missing. Bullshit? Definitely.
It seems hard to accept the fact that I'm growing up. Moving to a different phase of life. It feels
like form 1, walking into the class with Rina. Then it's form 2, which I hated. Came form 3, celebrating straight As with Jo, Rina and Edwin. Form 4. And lastly, form 5. And I didn't walk out of Kolej with them, my friends. As I used to in form 3. Edwin was saying the other day that he was happier during form 3 because back then all his friends got excellent results. There's a lot of truth in that. Now it seems all different. We're different.
This is one of the nights when I don't feel like going to sleep. It reminds me of last year, where I'd stayed up all night just to finish Add Math course work. It was a waste though because I ended up getting it from a friend and the editing + printing took less than an hour. But maybe because of that I got only kepujian for it. Yeaaa..that's what stated on the certificate. Like i care.

PLKN Siri 4/Kumpulan 1 2007, Kem Miri

Presenting...

From left: Pija,As,Izzati,Nisa

                                                                              

         
             The day Izzati and Pija hid the choc cake :P                                        

                                                                
                     
                                    P7A                                              
     
                      
                     The NEW way of boiling water   
                                                                                

Yup,we're taking pics in the middle of the jungle      
  
                                                                           
                         With teachers on the last day
                         
 
                          The bed     
                
   
                               The so-called camping
           

Told you shooting wasn't easy!         
 
    Flying fox.Never ever believe what the teacher said.
                                                                                
Sukan kreatif. Everyone was soaked!
          
                                            Go Charlie!!
                                                                                
Need i say more?
                                                                                                                        

Just Words

It's raining. Which means i couldn't give my rabbits a bath. There's nothing wrong with rain though. Just that i don't like wet + damp + dark. I'm the kind of person who switches on the lights even when it's NOT dark. That's why I don't like eating in the dining room- my room's streaming with sunshine. Lol.
So what did I do today?
Let's see, woke up at 11 am :P I was shocked as well! I woke up expecting the clock to show 9 am, or the latest, 10 am. I mean, the latest I'd woke up in NS was 8 am. But then, back then there were a lot of chores that's needed to be done. Now? Er..does fetching the plate from the kitchen count?
Then i spend half of the afternoon watching a korean + japanese movie titled Blue Swallow. It was kindda nice actually. Not your usual classic storyline. The time setting was 1910. It's about a women who succeeded in being the first civilian female korean pilot. At that time, Korea was still under Japan. So now you get why it's a korean japanese movie. Pity it had a sad ending though. Well, we can't all achieve our happy ending can we?
After that I helped my maid cooked some veggie. I mean, it was easy. All I had to do was threw the bean curds in the wok. Not exactly threw, but that's what it felt like. Haha. Added some oil, oyster sauce and water. Then stirred the whole thing for about 2 minutes. And walah! There's your veggie. Not going to eat it though .Not because it doesn't taste nice but because I'm so not a veggie person. That's one of the dishes i could actually remember from the coaching Rina gave me during the sleepover at her house. That was only 2 and a half months ago, but it felt so long. Thanks NS. Then i cut carrots into little dices for my rabbits and washed some dishes. You know, out of boredom. Speaking about my rabbits, they're a month old today! I've never exactly mentioned them before have i? They're so small. And cute and furry and- hm. The list will never end :P But the fact that they're still alive to this day is more of a celebration itself. I'd have posted their picture online if only they'd stay put long enough for me to take a snap of them.Really, babies can be so troublesome.

And the waiting ends

As promised, here I am. Not that I've done that well, but acceptable. Just acceptable. Gotten 8as. And without fail, I keep thinking. What if? What if I'd worked harder? What if I'd been more serious? What if I'd studied earlier? I should have done better.
Shouldn't we all?
But this isn't the time and place for what ifs. What's done is done. The past is the past. A part of me feels no regrets for what has happened. The way I'd led my life last year was joyful. And I don't think I'd trade it for anything in this world. I'd want to go back in time, no doubt. But not to experience it again, no. Just to observe and learn. So that I can remember it forever.
The day. It was as NORMAL as ever. I woke up at 8 am, took a bath. And felt irritated when I remembered that the results were coming out today. Because I still wanted to enjoy my time at home. The feeling of waking up and sighing, not knowing what to do for the rest of the day. Sick
of doing the same things over and over again...and lazing around the house without any purpose. Those feelings. 5 minutes before leaving home, I tucked a packet of tissue in my pocket. Just in case. Cried. Because I was scared, knowing that I'd done badly in the exams. The first thing I said to my mum was asking her and my dad not to be mad if, just if, I didn't do well.
The journey to school was the LONGEST journey I've ever felt.
Arrived at school, I saw Rina's father and brothers. I didn't dare enter the office.
So i stood on the stairs, plucking up courage to face whatever I'd gotten. Ctah came. And we cried. When Jolene arrived, we went inside the office together. Jo kept saying she already
know hers. And Rina's. And mine. I kept pleading her to tell me since there's a queue to check the results.But all she'd said was, "You did okay,". How okay is okay? 4as isn't okay. I looked at my results with shaky hands. Rushed out of the office, informed my parents of my results, hugged my mum and cried. And so I cried.Out of joy. I don't think I'd ever forget the expression on my parents' face. Joy, relief and proud at the same time. The greatest 30 seconds in my life. Why? Because all this while, if there were people that I was scared of letting down, it's my parents. Not my friends, not my teachers, not even myself. But my parents.I don't think I'd be able to face their disappointment. They've done so much, given so much, that I felt it's more of their success than mine. It's their celebration. And i couldn't help wondering, how could a parent's love towards his or her child be so great? A mystery I'd never unveiled. When i arrived home, I took out the packet of tissue. And smiled when i saw it's unopened.

There's always a tomorrow

Usually when I write, I don't like mentioning stuff I don't like. Sad happenings, grief and sorrow..because that's not how I want my life to be. I don't want to open my diary or my blog 10 years from now and remember unwanted things. I just want happiness. But I guess, that isn't possible.
2 months and 11 days of national service, it's not something I'd be proud of. It's something hard for me to believe. No, time didn't fly when I was there. In fact, it seemed to freeze. And no, I'm not sad it's over. So what exactly is the unbelievable part? That I've gone through it. Even though I hate it up to this day, there were still happy moments. I've made great friends, done stupid things, and knew myself more than ever. That's about it.
Life was far from normal when I was there. A forced life. But then, there were HABITS I couldn't get rid of. I was the earliest one to wake up in my room everyday. I couldn't survive without coke and chocolate. My friends would cringe when they saw me drinking coke first thing every morning :P I was still picky about food, skipping dinner everyday, but not as picky as I used to
be. I'm starting to appreciate food at home. I used to stare at the kitchen cabinet for 5 minutes, trying to find something I could eat before stamping my foot in frustration saying there's no food even though the cabinet's full :P I still didn't like taking a nap in the afternoon. When the others were sleeping, I'd usually do my chores, read a book or write in my diary. I still didn't like watching tv. And that's the reason why I never watched tv in the tv room up to the last day. I was still a klutz. Rushing and tripping when i shouldn't be. But the one thing I don't get until now is how a perfectionist I was during my stay there. I'd make sure my locker and my bed were tidy-even the pillow must be at the exact position everytime I left the room. I'd complete my chores everyday, no matter how tired I was. Compared to when I'm at home...well, let's just say my sister complained yesterday that the desk'll be messy again since i'm home.
And there're things I won't forget. Like crying because there's no water. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a crybaby. It was just after jungle trekking. We were in the jungle for 8 hours and when I got back I was exhausted and looking forward to a good long bath. So when there's no water, I just bursted into tears. And my friends were so helpful. They were like,'Don't cry.Use my toilet. There's water here,'. Haha. Not long after that, Izzati cried because Pija didn't tell her she
has pens. She was asking everywhere for a pen and nobody had it. When Pija finally told her she had them, she cried. Ha! So much for criticising me for crying because there wasn't any water! I'd think my reason's a lot more relevant. But I guess, we're just stressed out.
Tomorrow. I can't say I'm nervous, because i'm not. Not yet anyway. But deep down, I'm scared.
Scared of what I'll get, scared of letting people down, scared of my future. Because after this, I'll have to make important decisions by myself. Something I've always been avoiding. People say we are never alone. That we have our friends and family with us all the time. A true fact. And yet? It's NOT the genuine truth. There're things you have to do alone. There're times when you feel alone, even when you're surrounded by friends. A feeling nobody could touch. That's what I'm scared of. During these past few days, I've been trying to prepare myself mentally so that I won't cry no matter what my results are. But I know it won't work. It never did. I just want to be strong. Because what I'm going to get..is what I'd worked for. So I don't think complaining and worrying is the thing here. If there is an entry posted tomorrow, then I've done WELL. If there isn't, well, you got my message :) Wish me luck.