What would you say?

Seena asked all of us a string of questions the other day. I was intrigued so here goes:

Let's say you found out your husband-to-be is not a virgin, what would you do?
Um...erm...umm..wait a minute. I have to think.


The first thing I thought was, "How do I evade this question? There must be a loophole somewhere." But then, it was just a question. Asked outta boredom and curiousity. All I had to do was answer.

I know I would think, if I loved that man enough, I wouldn't care. It's a thing of the past and everyone deserves a second chance. He deserves to make amend for his mistake. Of course we'd have rows and stuff but everything'd be okay.
But I know what I would do is, I wouldn't accept him. The fact that he did it say something about himself. I'm not good at giving second chances.


But what if your wedding's all planned? You've printed the cards and everything.
I wouldn't care. I would cancel the invitations. What's a bunch of fancy words written on fancy papers to my life and a man I don't trust? And people can talk. I don't give a **censored**.


What would you say to your parents then?
I would tell them that I'm feeling unsure. That I'm just experiencing a nervous breakdown and I need the time to think. After some time, I'd tell them I'm calling the wedding off.


So..what would you girls answer?

Just a quick update

My parents were here for the weekend, yay!

Coolness. I haven't seen them for ages. Well, not since 2 weeks ago. Haha. 2 weeks is long.
I feel a pang of sadness now I guess. When the weekend ended, everyone parted. Yazid took the bus back to Kuantan to study more about teeth, Zahir and me took the KTM back to MSU and my parents took the cab to KLIA, back to Miri. Why can't all of us catch the flight to Miri?

Heh, no point in complaining I guess.

I asked my dad a question last night, as I was packing my stuff. I asked him- if he was content with his life, how could such thing be? He came from a not-poor-but-not-rich-either family, and I was sure, as a kid, there were things that he had wanted so badly but couldn't get. Then he studied hard, worked hard, got his paycheck every month.........but then he spend most of it on his family. On us. On me. So..how is that?

I was expecting something like, "If you loved your family bla bla bla sacrifice for them bla bla bla," crap but then he looked thoughtful and said, "Yeah, I'm wondering about that as well," Whoa, talk about harsh! Where did all the stuff about family love go?

Lol.

I'm missing my parents already, so I better stop. Weekend's over, now it's back to Genetics (gah). I've a lot to catch up but I'll start tomorrow. I've to do my laundry and my brother's - I swear to God, this is the last time I'm doing this for him. Ok la, it's not like I'm washing them by hands but still. Next time he's washing his own clothes!

History, anyone?

I hate Sejarah and Malaysian Studies. Though I never scored anything less than an A, I hated these subjects. Not only were they as interesting as watching Hang Seng stocks, I couldn't put them to any use.

My conclusion was this: history is dull.

Now, I say: Malaysian history is dull.

History is mind-blowing. And history stirred emotions I didn't know I had in me. And,

I'm in love with Philippa Gregory.

Oh? Who is she?

After the success of the movie The Other Boleyn Girl (TOBG), who can say they do not know her? Ok, those who are ignorant maybe don't. But I'm sure everyone knows Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson and Eric Bana. How can you not know them???

Yes, Philippa Gregory is the author of The Other Boleyn Girl and all her books are about modern history especially on the Tudors of England. Seriously, never before have I been so avid over an author's books. So if you decided you liked TOBG's movie, I would suggest you read the book. READ THE BOOK, I DON'T CARE. Read the book then tell me you're not blown away because as always, the movie has a slightly different storyline *%$#@!^&*


After you read TOBG, then you might want to consider The Constant Princess (TCP) and The Boleyn Inheritance (TBI). Forget I said consider, READ THEM. TOBG told the story of the two Boleyn sisters, Anne and Mary while TCP captured the life of Catalina Of Spain, Katherine of Aragon- Queen of England. The same queen Anne Boleyn had replaced. TBI on the other hand was told from Jane Parker, Lady Rochford, George's (brother to Anne and Mary) unbeloved wife's view, when she was assigned the task to assist Katherine Howard, a lady-in-waiting of the Queen, in her attempt to charm King Henry and gained the throne.

In fact, read them in order. From The Constant Princess, The Other Boleyn Girl and The Boleyn Inheritance.

All of them attempted to be Queen. Either they ended up in the Tower, or they ended up on the throne, sitting next to the King. A battle of life and death.

And oh, the movie made King Henry looked like a tame kitten.

Ok.

Next is....

Michelle Moran. The author of Nefertiti.


You'll get a glimpse of the lives of Egypt royalties and yes, that includes Pharaoh Amunhotep II and Pharaoh Nefertiti. She succeeded in making herself Pharaoh, ruling next to Amunhotep and making her daughter the heir of Egypt when she couldn't conceive a son. She also got rid of Kiya, the First Wife to Amunhotep.

Then there's Elif Shafak. Author of The Bastard Of Istanbul.


History of Turkey. The storyline was pretty dull along the way but when you reach its ending, wham! you wouldn't believe what had hit you. The ending made up for the story itself, it's brilliant.

Lastly, Jean Sasson. Author of Princess, Daughter Of Arabia and Princess Sultana's Circle on the royalties of Saudi Arabia.

She's also the author of Mayada.

A story based in Iraq. It proved that no matter how important you were, no one was guaranteed their safety. Saddam Hussein himself threw and tortured her in his dungeons for no apparent reason. She was released and thus the existence of this book.

All these books have one thing in common: The peril of absolute male authority in royal households.

I could say that among all, I like the Egyptians the most. Of course, like every other country, the birth of a son as an heir was a must but in Egypt, daughters were not denied their rights. Nefertiti had had 6 daughters and still, Amunhotep loved them to bits. So yeah, even though he was not a good ruler (he was said to be mentally unstable), he was a good father.

And the best part is? These books were all based on true stories and facts.

So ditch Meg Cabot and Sophie Kinsellia. I wouldn't even scream in protest if you guys ditched Harry Potter =)

Dah. I'm tired of writing.

Happy reading!

MODE: BORED

As expected, classes only start next week. Which will be on Monday. Which is 3 days away. Which means I've nothing to do for the next 72 hours. And now I'm bored.

Entrance exam will be on the 19th of July and I've forms to fill and documents to prepare and I haven't started on them yet. I'm not that bored.

My GPA has taken quite a dip this semester. A- for both Anatomy and Math 2. And a B for Ko-Ku 1 as expected. I'd be humiliated if I'd gotten an A. Humiliated and pleased. Gaga. Who cares. At least now I've only another short semester to go. 2 subjects; Basic Genetics and Ko-Ku 2. Stupid kan Ko-ku 2? I've 10 hours of BG per week. Yes, it's everyday. Then our lecturer told us they'd came out with a new format. Instead of the usual Test 1 and 2 during short sem, we've mid-sem exam and what has come out for mid-sem exam will also come out during final. We've to revise 9 whole chapters for final. Yes! And if you think I'm rejoicing that there's only one test before final, you're wrong! Test 1 and 2 are usually done informally, in the class. Without us having to wear the proper attire and taking the exam slip. It also means we could glance left and right.....not copying eh. Glancing left and right.

AND, mentor-mentee has been changed to Saturday. Saturday! Who would bother going to campus on a SATURDAY morning for nothingness? Of course, I stay in the campus but still! I skipped that thing even when it was on a weekday, why would I attend it during the weekend?

Wtf???

Why does this have to happen during my last sem?? Why couldn't it wait until next sem when I've finished?? WHY?

Because this uni is stupid, that's why. And I thought I could relax this semester. I was also rooting there were days when I wouldn't have any classes. Pfft.

Ok. I'm done complaining. Now I wanna post some pics taken 2 days ago during Seha's visit to Miri. So I dragged Ctah along coz I didn't know Miri that well myself, how could I be the tour guide? I'd end up bringing my friend to shopping malls only. Then we found out Asylla was free, so we dragged her as well. And I must must must met her coz she's leaving for Russia on the 28th and I may not see her for a long time.

At the airport. The one in blue is Seha.

Marina Bay. A place I didn't know existed until 2 days ago!

Asylla. Haven't seen her for ages!

The key and the lock. A perfect match.

You see, that's Ctah Sandwich.

Now I'm dreadfully hungry.

All Smiles

I'm typing this with my eyes half-closed but I know that if I didn't post this today, then I would never post it. It seems that from day to day, I'm getting lazier to blog =D

Never had I thought I would feel tired of being angry. There seemed to be tiny outbursts everyday. I was like a tornado, lashing out my anger to those around me. My mood swings were unbearable.

Blame them on my hormones =P

Effa was partly right; they seem to be there, but not really. Yeah, that describes it. But honestly, I couldn't really blame the friends though I was kindda frustrated. I know how hard it is to keep in touch. I am one of those friends. Even I feel scared of meeting some of them, even though we were really inseparable once. I'm scared of us judging ourselves. That maybe I couldn't accept the 'new' them and vice versa. More than anything, I don't want to accept the fact that we really couldn't get along that well anymore. And that we have changed more than we have wanted.

Friends. But yeah, there're still there. Just merely visible. But ahah, if you guys ever need me, please know that I'm here =) and always will be.

Okay, I got sidetracked. What I really wanted to say was.....

I got to meet Rina and I got to meet Ctah and I'm happy =)

Rina was back in Miri for 5 days. As brief as that may have sounded, that's 4 nights at home eh! When you think of it that way, it's long right. Fetched her at the airport in the morning (yes, ME! ME!) and bumped into her at the airport again that night. You guys should have guessed by now that we're big fans of Miri Airport. Yeah, it's so BREATHTAKINGLY GORGEOUS, bluek. Then I bumped into her again at Dr. Aziz's the next morning. Then the night before she went back, we hung out at her house until like...3 am. The last time I was there was almost 2 years ago when we had the sleepover after SPM. That was freakingly LONG since her house's just 5 minutes away.We talked like we talked back then. We laughed just like we had laughed back then. It was a relief to be able to tell rather than to write to someone I actually knew well and knew me well. After I got back that night, I thought:

I wasn't afraid anymore.

It suddenly popped into my head. I didn't even know what it meant.

Ok.

Then last night I met Ctah! A few days before I was going back only did I meet her. Brilliant. Now this, needs another post on its own. So yes, I'm stopping here. I need sleep. I need food.

Toodles.

Like A Knife

I thought long and hard as what to write before I came to one conclusion: I simply don't know.

I've sat here for hours. Typing and backspacing. Logging in and out. Staring at the white background. And still I haven't written a single word.

Does it matter if my thoughts were left unwritten?

No, of course not. It wouldn't change anything.

I used to listen to people's whines and woes all the time. I lend my ears and time because I knew how much difference that would make. But often when I looked up, they were looking expectantly at me, hoping I could come up with something wise to say. Hoping that somehow, I could come up with any solution. And I did exactly that. I dug deep for the answers. And at times I struggled, just trying to find the correct words. Cracking my head to find something, anything to say. Those expectant eyes. I couldn't say how badly I wanted to just walk away.

Now I do just that. I walk away.

At the rare times when I decided to sit down and listen, and my little words managed to put some sense into their heads, my heart gave a small leap. It felt good.

And then I started wondering why I changed. And whether I should change.

I view those in my life as fragile chinas crowded on a shelf. There are those at the very back, dusty and untouched, waiting to break. There are those at the front, new and polished, waiting to break. There are those that have already broken, scattered everywhere on the floor. Then there's me. And I'm left to gather the pieces and wait for the others to break.

I don't want that to happen.

It's not hard to accept these are just faces among many other faces. They come and they go. I couldn't help but wonder when will they walk out of my life, how long will it take before I'm forgotten.

We hang out together. Does that make us friends?
We tell each other stories. Does that make us friends?
We've known each other for years and still, does that make us friends?

I was told that all I needed was to trust, and to have faith.

I couldn't.

I'm HUGE

......and I eat like a pregnant woman.

So there should be no question as to WHY I'm fat right?

Hmm...I wonder why girls always say they're fat.

Oh, wait.

I probably know why. Because I constantly do that as well. But here, now, at this moment, that isn't the case.

The girls' cliche phrase "I'm fat" is because I really am! Rina said so and that's ONLY BY LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF ME!

Waaaaaa.................

I've thought of working out but no no no, too sweaty and energy consuming (I'm a lazy pig. Ha ha ha)

I've thought of cutting back on eating but no no no, I love eating way too much, especially home-made food.

So...no exercising, no dieting. Seems like there's only ONE thing left to do...........

No, not liposuction you doofus~ it's too expensive anyways and I'm a poor student =(

I'm left wondering as to WHY IT'S SO HARD TO MAINTAIN MY WEIGHT nowadays. It's ever since I entered uni. Damn hard la.

Is it because of the inconsistent time of meals? Lunch could be at 2 pm,dinner at 10.

Is it the food itself? I'm guessing oil is like so cheap there in West M'sia their food are dripping of it. One meal's can fill a quarter of my gayung. Tsk tsk.

Is it the depression of being away from home? And as always, the more depressed I am, the more I tend to stuff my face.

Why oh why?

Why was it wayyyyy easier to stay thin back in high school?? Not that I was ever that thin, mind you *sighs*

BUT

You know what, once upon a time, I might cared. I might had nothing better to do than worrying over the number on the scale. One comment of me being fat was enough to set me off on my diet --->> stupid stupid

Now if anyone commented on my weight, I'd buy a double cheeseburger on the spot and gobbled it up in 2 minutes.

Or rather, I'd say, "Fuck off will ya?"

Wouldn't that feel good?

Sooooo,

I'll just eat whatever I want and moan about how big I'm getting

Seems like the perfect thing for me =)))) *big smile*

But don't ever comment about my weight because that's so tactless and it might breaks my lil'-coke-polluted heart. At least, not to my face =D

So I Say

I owe Ctah a big plump balloonish SORRY.

She misscalled my handphone 5 times, send 2 messages and called my house's phone twice.
And I didn't even budge =( I'm sorry.

Oh, and I owe you KokoCrunch too.

It's always the opposite when I'm at home: I'm sensitive to other noises but my hp when I'm asleep. But when I'm there, it's vice versa. If my housemates wanted to wake me up, they'd call me rather than bang on the door (eventhough my bed's exactly next to it), because trust me, I wouldn't move even a hair.

So that's what happened yesterday. Ctah called me around 1 pm and I was still asleep. As a matter of fact, I woke up at 5 pm because I couldn't stand my sister's attempts to measure my nose.

I was asleep and Hani was holding a ruler against my nose.

I'm not a witch so I don't have long nose okay? It's just the same as everyone else's.

Before you guys go: SHE WOKE UP AT 5 PM??, lemme explain.

I slept around 11 am so logically, I should wake up around 5 right? And even then I only got 6 hours of sleep.

So I don't think Pakul's "sik manis anak dara bangun aher eh," theory is accepted. I fully oppose against it. Anyone's with me?

I jaga the house when everyone's asleep ok? Me and my brother. It's like a duet-guarding-the-house thing.

There's only one reason la: I love late at nights and early mornings, I hate the afternoons.
I like it when it's totally quiet and nobody's around. I like the chill and the smell of morning. I like the feeling of being alone, that the time and moment belong to me and no one else.

I'm maximizing my hols.

P.S: I know it's a tad late but I'd just gotten to watch P.S: I Love You and this
is what I have to say- it's as boring as the book that I'd to keep forwarding
it and honestly, I couldn't see why people are crazy over those (movie and book).
Boring la wey.

P.P.S: IMS (International Medical School) entrance's exam is on the 21st of
June. Only 3 days after registering, giving me no chance whatsoever
to enjoy/mourn over my results. And oh, MY BOOKS ARE IN SHAH ALAM
WHILE I'M IN MIRI.
I hate next semester already.

Rain vs Wedding

2 days ago, I decided to attend my neighbour's wedding. Shocking, I know. Of course, I'd my reasons:

1. Everyone else was busy going to weddings that I thought I should give it a shot; named Ctah and Fara.

2. I had nothing better to do than sleep anyway, and sleeping was boring.

3. Since I'd missed the akad nikah the previous day, I'd decided to attend the majlis persandingan. Just in case they'll refuse to attend my funeral in the future: No way! That girl didn't even bother to attend our daughter's wedding! =( Not my fault. Nobody bothered to wake me up!

4. Oh, fine. I wanted to go to Mall since I had to get a new mouse ASAP and other stuff. Wouldn't be cool if I wandered around the shops while the wedding's going on at the other side of the building right? What might they say? And yes, I do mind what they say because I'll have to deal with them for a couple more years unlike those I don't know or dislike.

So yeah, a sleepless me decided to attend a wedding. I seemed to forget what were involved in a wedding. You sit, you eat, you go back; that's it right?

Nisa's rule 1#

Walk in the middle of the hallway so you wouldn't have

to shake hand or salam with those lining up to greet the guests.

Nisa's rule 2#

Avoid eye contact at all cost so there wouldn't be any question asked.

I arrived and I sat. Listened to music that didn't only suck but so damn loud that I had to maximized my mp3's volume which still wasn't enough to shut that horrible music out! Sakit my telinga. Tuned to 30 Seconds To Mars, RJA, Panic! At The Disco etc which soothed my ears, thankfully.

Proper politeness

our-hps-are-suddenly-so-interesting boredom

And I sat. And sat. And sat. And at 11.20 am (we arrived there at 10.14 am! That's an hour of waiting and monstrous music!) the bride and groom arrived and took their seats on the bridal dais. And then I wondered what's gonna happen.



Turned out there were speeches:

"Since when do they have speeches at weddings?"



And there were videos:

"Since when do they show videos at weddings?"



And then my sister asked me:

"When was the last time you attended one (wedding)?"



Shoot. Good question. When I thought about it, it was about 3 years ago when my cousin got married. And that was a must-attend event or my mum would kill me. You know, where the whole family had to wear baju kurung and baju melayu in the theme colour. And where you were ordered to do this and that. Wah, so annoying. The thing is, I hate weddings, or any family events actually. I wouldn't attend any unless I have to. I only go to tahlil (the anniversary of the dead person) and funerals (when people die) to show my respects. Not bad right?




In the middle of those, I realised:


The wedding's a free promotion of Hujan! The local band from Miri, not Rain- the Korean singer. Sorry to disappoint you guys. Btw, I just realised he's the guy in Speed Racer. No wonder he looked familiarly skinny.

Hujan vs Wedding

See, they even got the bigger stage (picture was taken up close so it looked smaller)! I mean, I know they needed the space for the instruments and the group members but shouldn't the bride and groom be the center of attention? It was their wedding after all. Hey, you don't get married often (unless you get married and divorced 5 times) you know.


Not only that, guests were more eager to take pictures with them rather than the king and queen of the day!

They're family after all so I guess the bride and groom didn't mind. They were probably proud or something.


Oh, the band even promoted and sold their t-shirts there.

Nisa's rule 3#

Sneak out early as to not be trapped in the crowd.

Nisa's rule 4#
Don't use the main door so you wouldn't have to congrats the bride and groom.

So I tried searching the booth or the desk or something where they might be selling these t-shirts as further proof, but couldn't find it =(

Her: My funeral theory got to her, so she buang tebiat and went.
Me: I don't think I looked like someone who didn't sleep the whole night.

After we arrived home, I officially crashed on my bed at 2.14 pm. A new bedtime record =)

Nisa's conclusion of the day: I hate weddings.

All mirror does is lie

I guess I was angry. No, that's the understatement of the year. I was in white fury. I was enraged. I was.......am running out of vocabulary.

I didn't realise I was mad. I didn't know I had all this anger bottled up inside.

It resulted in this. And much more.

"IT'S JUST A MOUSE! We'll go and buy a new one tomorrow!"

While the rest cowered in terror at my sudden burst, my sister strolled into the room casually and talked to me as if I were a kid throwing a tantrum.It's always like that. Somehow, my fury never intimidate her.

It wasn't about the mouse. It just took me a mouse to realise I was bitterly angry. And I was, though I didn't know why. I just felt

FRUSTRATED

That somehow, I've let people down. And I felt everyone was waiting for me to screw up. So they could mock and laugh at me.

Baka.

But you know what's even more stupid? When I needed someone to talk to, I didn't know who I should pour it all out to. When I scrolled my phone's address book, I realised they were just names. And I didn't really know any of them.

See the bits on the floor? Those're pieces of the wall when I slammed the door.

Just kidding.

They're what's left of my candle holder. I was so mad, I smashed it against the wall. And it broke, tiny pieces flying everywhere. I've had it since form 2. It was a small fairytale house with lots of tiny windows so if you lighted a candle inside it, you could see them seeping through its many windows. Very pretty.

I haven't done that in a long long time. It felt so good.

When I did that, my dad, who was ignoring my tantrum, scolded me. I talked back and asked him to leave my room.

I'm so gonna be burned in hell.

He said I was old enough and I should act my age.

But you know what?

I'm sick of acting my age. I'm sick of smiling and not crying. I'm sick of pretending that

people's words and actions don't hurt.

People could say it wouldn't solve anything or it's not the right way but if it took a huge tantrum to calm myself down, so be it.

And I don't see why PEOPLE should care. Because I certainly don't.