Just So I Wouldn't Cry

I............

am a schmuck. I am a putz. I am a moron.
Why?
Haha. Because I am. In the simplest word of words, I really am. In the deepest and most complicated sentences, I still am. Actions justify a person don't they? Actions justify me. Words do nothing, they mean nothing. They're so easy to manipulate, and I idiotically am so easy to believe them, I don't trust them anymore. Look at the ending, actions concluded it all. Look at the ending, it's the actions that hurt us. Words..they could easily mean something else aite? We say what we don't mean; we rarely do what we don't mean.

Trust, faith, believing.

Those words are something to us humans. They're in our everyday dictionary. Spoken, acted, meant. Yet it's still so hard to have them. I know, because I don't. Not anymore. I want to, but I just don't. If I could pick out the values I could have and feel...but I couldn't. Sadly, I couldn't.
Last time, I was so ready to admit I was strong. Inside and out, that's what I tried to potray. Was I? I don't know. Does not crying make you that? I cried once. Really cried. That's when I admitted crying was a real relief because I did feel relieved. 400 people were watching but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn. I just cried. It's not like I was gonna see any of them again anyway. The other one time when I did cry, was when my grandpa died. That was different. I practically choked trying to hold the tears back. My lung gasped for air, and I had to hold on to the table so I could support myself. So I could stand strong, for those who weren't. But that night, I cried to sleep. I felt weak. To succumb to my emotion, I felt weak.

From someone who didn't believe, I once did. Then I don't anymore. Just like that.

A For An Apple

I've been searching for the answer to this one question ever since I was in form 3. It's a question denied by complexity. A simple enough question, it could be counted as a stupid one yet until now, almost 3 years later, not even one person managed to give me the answer that I wanted. I've asked that question to a lot of people, believe me. Some gave me answers based on scientific facts. Some gave me religious answers. Some looked at me weirdly with perplexity in their eyes and said it's all in human nature. All of these answers made sense, they're all true. Despite that, I could feel something's missing. Time and time again I would shake my head with frustration demanding for another answer. Those weren't the answers I wanted, I felt it in my heart. Even so, I don't know the answer. I just know somehow they're not the right ones. If anyone, plainly anyone, could answer that question, then that's the time when another stage of my life will begin. Until that time arrives, I would stay where I am, searching for the answer even if it takes my whole lifetime.






Oh, by the way, the question? Let it remains just a question for the time being ^_^

Girl In The Storm

I fell down last night! I was looking up at the moon, not watching where I was going and the next thing I knew I was already down on the pavement! Scrapped my left knee. Bwahaha. Not sure how that happened though since it's not like the ground's uneven or I'd tripped over something or anything. Double bwahaha. Once a klutz will always be a klutz. It's proven!

I'm back to where I first started. Some things still remain but as time passed, I learned to cope. Life's okay so far. Haven't cried or felt homesick yet. Lol. I guess I feel numb. Just that sometimes, when I laugh, I feel afraid. I'm scared if I laughed, I would cry later. When that happens, I don't know whether I'll be able to stop. So I don't want to start :) Whatever I do, I couldn't help thinking that's only temporary; it wouldn't last. Happiness doesn't last, and so does grief. People say to enjoy your life as you live it, that's true. I couldn't do that much anymore. I'm more determined, more focus. I already know what I want out of my life, know how to make the best out of it. That's the best part. The not so good part is, now I'm ignoring everything. Whatever that doesn't have anything to do with me or my future, I tend not to care. I want to live my life without caring. I want to continue walking along the same path without regrets.

Question; Why are there a lot of mini buses in Labuan? They look really cute, no doubt, but why? Why don't they use normal-size buses which could carry a lot more passengers? Is it because Labuan's small, so they decided to use small buses? I did ask the bus driver but I don't think he got my meaning or he did but I couldn't understand what he was saying, lol. That question is killing me, seriously. It's a silly question but I really want to know!

Another bad part is......I don't know how to share food and drinks anymore! Meaning sharing the same spoon and fork or drinking from the same cup as others. Susah payah I learned to get used to that during NS! Gah. Sorry Seetah, hehe. I guess that time at McD was the last but at least I did know how to once right? :P

I wonder- if women, us, wanted to be treated equally as men, then why do we still act like women? I'm not talking about clothes and crap stuff like that. I'm referring to our attitude. We cry. We complaint a lot. We tend to make a big fuss out of nothing. We're fragile. We gossip, tittle-tattle and stuff yet we get mad when people say we're second to men. I'm not putting down my own sex- we do have our strong points which men don't have, yeah. What I mean is, well, if we're really equal to men, why act as if we don't have much brain most of the time?

Nodding Off

Suddenly, I feel not so good again. I'm becoming more paranoid now. %&*@#! It's like, you know, when the car stops at the traffic light, I would snap out of my thoughts and realised I've been holding my breathe all those time. I need air.

Please someone splashed my face with icy water.

How am I gonna live? How, I ask you. Don't answer that. It's a question not meant to be answered. You know, I figured things would be easier if I could just stop thinking about certain things. Like when I feel I'm fat and I'm too lazy to exercise and going on a strict diet is a no no to me, I would pay less attention to when and what I eat. It's easier that way... so why isn't this? Shouldn't it be the same? It should be but why isn't it??
When I hold a pen, I'd notice my hands are shaking and that I'm trying hard to hold the tears back. Sometimes I could just zone out without any reason. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I would feel frustrated out of the blue. That adds to the confusion even more. What the hell is going on?

Life indeed. I'm sick of that word yet I keep mentioning it. Why?
Changes. I know people change for the better but I hate it anyway. Why?
Why why why?
No matter how many thousand times I ask that question, I wouldn't be able to find the answer.
It's so hard to keep a positive view on things. Mopping around isn't an option either. If, if I could just die for a while and be alive once more after that. Wasn't that a stupid if? Who would want to die? I sounded like a psycho. Gah. Maybe I am, who knows. Beware then.

Nowadays, I don't feel like sleeping. Last week, I didn't want to wake up. The waking up part, I do understand but the sleeping part? Eh? Tired, sleep la. What for stay awake. Arghh. The more I'm awake, the more I need to think right?

When some people read this, they will probably say, "Sik alah-alah nya ya." or, " Just live your life and stop babbling. Everyone has problems.".

I'm ruined. That's all I can say. I'll sleep on this so-called problem. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.

3 leaves on the ground, more will come.

The word friends begins with an F. Friends forever? Sounds cheesy and lame. But that's it.
Friends forever. I don't mind being labelled cheesy once in a while.
Don't you dare.

3 months are almost over. 3 months have passed. In these three months, I've learnt a lot. Some people might raised their eyebrows to that, but I did. Maybe the things I did were mostly sleeping and hanging out with friends, but from those, I learned. Hurt and pain. Appreciation and respect. Opportunities and choices. I learned more than I did during form 5. I learned to know life itself. Most importantly, I learned about the importance of friends.

I never really thought about all that before. For me, friends come and go. People walk in and out of my life all the time. Some stayed long enough to mark their presence while some disappeared before they had the chance to do so. Those who did, will be remembered. Those who didn't will be forgotten. As simple as that. Now, I wonder. Wonder about my friends.

I'm gonna miss them. To me, missing isn't plain "Argh, when will we be able to see each other again? Keep in touch okay?". Missing parts of my life, because my friends created some of those. Missing them calling me at 10 am, disturbing my sleep and saying, "Hello? Hello? Tertido ka? Iboh kitak tido balit time kamek call. Tukuk palak kelak." Missing the late night calls and long conversations. Missing having someone blackmailing me to eat the sandwiches in exchange for choki choki. Missing their hugs and telling me everything would be okay. Missing them stealing my pillow hug and making a racket. I'll miss their presence, their words, saying they would always be there. I'll miss their smiles, the moments when we laughed and cried together.

Friendship that went way back to tadika and primary school and still going strong.

Friendship that will last in the years to come.

Patched friendship. Broken friendship.

There are things I couldn't help with. Because their faces are already so familiar, I sometimes tend to lash out my anger and frustration at them. Because they're always there, I forgot to appreciate them. Because smiles and laughters are around, I forgot they could cry as well. Because they're my dearest ones, I tend to test them the hardest.
Because of those, I'm sorry. Because of those, I never held a grudge. Because of those, I find it impossible to hate. Because of all the pros, I ignore the cons. And because of that, I will always be a friend, will always be there. Because you guys are my friends, and I love you guys so.

Ok, enough with the sentimental part. Let's get to the HARSH part.

For 4 days straight, my sleep had been disrupted by my friends. Ct, Jo (what the heck were you doing up at 6.15 am??), Edwin, Saza (do you have to missed call me up to 4 times?), Effa.
PEOPLE, tomorrow I'll only be available after 12.30 pm okay? I want to sleeeeeeppp. Yes, I'm a hippo, I know.

The LiFe

Never in my life (God, I sure have a lot of never huh? Guess I haven't lived much), have I mentioned the F word. I'm not lying. Never is the word. I never used it. When people said "wtf??", I said, "wth??". I guess it wouldn't be very polite and ladylike to use the word. I always thought there were a lot of other vocabularies I could use but today, I found out there were certain cases when I would have no choice but to use the word. Like this evening. Ahah. Sometimes, you just couldn't help it. *smiling sweetly*

Well, the ending of the day sucked. Not only did the game left me with wobbly arms and legs buttttttt............

There's no but. It just sucked, if you know what I mean. I'm sure some of my girlfriends do. Not gonna deny it was fun; it was fun during the first half of the game. Amoi and Saza are two people I wouldn't wanna mess with. Sure, I sweated like hell and sure, my legs were cramped for squatting for too long (hey, I didn't wanna get my pants dirty ok?) but it was fun. Something we would never forget for the rest of our lives. At least we got that one. A memory worth remembering.






WHO COULD FORGET??






The cursing + anger + disappointment + frustration + regrets made sure of that. So, it's not so bad aite? :D
I forgot one bit! Effa was EARLYYYY for the first time ever today. I'm so proud of her! If the paintball game wasn't a good memory, hell, this one definitely was. Memorable memorable memorable.

Hmm..I just realised that some people are too dumb to live. Arrogance, my friend, is worst than pride. Boasting is worst than talking shit. I'm not stating any opinion. Bad or good, I'm nobody to judge. I'm way too busy to wait for some people to grow up and start acting more like adults. Amazingly, when I thought of it, I felt nothing. Anger turned to shock. It made me ponder. I tried and tried to find any trace of hurt. As I was saying, it's shocking. Nope. No hurt. Only...ah, what's the word? Disgusted? Humph, not good enough. Revolted? Nahh. Meluat. Bingo! It must be in bm to get the umph :P Yea, that's it. Hatred?

*scanning my heart and mind*

Wasting my feeling only. What la. If some people think they're too good for the community, the world, the LIFE, then...what? Complain. Pfft. That's all they know. Embarrasing. Drop the high and mighty attitude la brader. You walked on the same streets as we did. You breathed the same air. So, um, how does that make you a higher being than us exactly? Feeling full of yourself wouldn't help. Being proud isn't gonna get you anywhere. To damnation maybe but if that's what you want, well...
You have your opinions and saying but does the world care? Nope. Sorry, but try shutting up next time. That might work you know. For once, accept the fact: YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW. Ouch. Reality hurts doesn't it?

Yea yea, you're unique. EVERYONE is. Suprise suprise.

OMG. This is my so-not-formal-and-foul-and-mean post ever. It feels good, haha. Not gonna give a damn about anything. I love it when I'm being tactless ^^

Bla bla bla

I just noticed that besides my previous post, my last 12 ones had been kindda...down.
*deep breathe*
Oh, well.
A phase of life :)

Anyway, I've found another negative (see?); I absolutely detest packing. I love unpacking though. I only have to drag the laundry basket to my room, dump everything in it and ask my maid to keep my suitcase to where it belong. But packing! It's totally totally hard work. There's so many stuff and so little space! I need a Doraemon pocket. If only I could flick my wand and everything would fly by themselves into the suitcase readily folded. Sadly, that only happens in the Harry Potter world :(

As messy as my room was before, it is now disastrous. It's like walking through a maze, I kid you not. Walked and trodded on something- oh, they're clothes I just bought but were too lazy to put away. Walked and kicked something- a bottle of shampoo. My bag of toiletries. Stationaries. You named it. It's pretty interesting though :D

My sister asked me when I was leaving. That was pretty weird since she normally couldn't be bothered by that kind of thing. Then she said, "Tidy the desk before you leave.". !!!! What's the point of having a desk if you don't use it I ask you?? Desks are too put stuff on. Besides, I only put important unavoidable things on it. Like my files. And the story books I've been planning to read or in the middle of reading. And CDs. And magazines. And papers way back from I-don't-know when. My point is, it's not that messy. Ok, I admit sometimes it's difficult to find what I want, BUT I found them alright. Like just now, I wanted to find my small envelope of passport-size pictures. Since it's small, it would be hard wouldn't it? But no, all I had to do was lifted a file and two handkerchief-size towels and there it was! So what's the big deal huh Miss-I'm-not-sleeping-I'm-only-lying-down-for-a-while? And... that's her last message to me?? I could die on the plane. I could die looking for edible food there. I could even die right now, while typing these words (Ok, I'm being dramatic but they're all possible aren't they?), and all she could care for was about the damn red triangle desk??? Talk about HEARTLESS.

Hmm, what else is there to complain about? *evil grin*

Oh. I bought another keychain for my handphone today. Not exactly your type of CNN news, but, just telling. There's no harm in buying another one. It might save my life or anything drastic like that one day. Who could tell that now? Besides, it's one of the must-haves item. If I didn't buy it, I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight (seriously, that happened before. I wanted this one thing badly and mum refused to buy it. I couldn't sleep and in the end dad got it for me). So that explains why I must get what I want. It totally affects my health.

I was watching the Martha Stewart show the other day and these were her tips to get healthy skin:
1. Put Johnson Johnson's unscented baby oil on your face and use cotton pads to remove your make-up (for those who are wearing them).
2. Cleansed your face.
3. Wet a towel with hot water and steamed your face.
4. Wash your face with cold water.

4 simple steps. Um, been spending a lot of time in front of the tv nowadays while pigging out :P Wait, they're only ice-cream and chocs. Do you know that ice-cream contains the lowest amount of fat among all junk food? Or that it's scientifically proven that those who take at least 1 gramme of chocolate per day live longer (It's supposed to be dark chocolate but who cares really?) ? So it doesn't count as pigging out. In fact, I'm eating healthily.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Life is random. I've known that all my life but only now do I feel it. I never imagined any of this happening to me. Ever. At all. Not even once - you guys get my point. I always thought that if I didn't manage to get UPU, I'd take A-levels. Over my dead body would I set foot at matriculation. Now, I'm going there. After countless of sleepless nights (I do love to exaggerate don't I?), I made my decision. I'm going there. I've discussed things over with my parents; I've asked for opinions from my friends.

Dad + Mum: It's your choice. Choose what's best for you. ( I hate it when they say that. That means I've to make my own decision and I couldn't blame them )
Effa: It's a blessing in disguise.
Effa + Fara: No need to buy any long-sleeved t-shirt with collar. You don't need those. ( I didn't buy any *grin*)
Ct: It's not so bad.
Lala: It's evil.
Rina: It's only for 8 months + 2 months of hols.
Jo + Saza: Go to Riam Tech with me!!!
Ctah: "Whyyyyyyy?"
My maid: Just stay in Miri. (ha! You only said that because no one's gonna back you up next time!)

Last night, I thought I was insane. Even Dad got mad at me and forbided me to go there. To the extent that I asked my mum to book the flights so I couldn't turn back. Even so, my parents had a hard time looking for available flights and a hotel to stay in since it was a last minute decision. I regretted that. Ah, as usual. I could never leave the last minute thing behind, hehe. Today, I thought it's the sanest thing to do. I don't know, suddenly I feel so positive. Let's see how long that'll last. It's only for one year anyway. Um, but, you know, no matter how positive I try to be, there's still one thing I'm worried about; THEY DON'T HAVE ANY WASHING MACHINE THERE. Nada. Even though I've exprienced that during NS, that was only for 2 months! Not one year!!! Besides, I have to study don't I? I don't have the time to be scrubbing in the toilet. It's not like I know how to use a washing machine anyway. What I need, to tell you the truth, is someone to do my laundry. Like at home :P So much for being independent.

I wouldn't lie, I couldn't face staying in Miri for another year. I couldn't face going to Russia or Japan either. The only place I could face, was UIA. If I could pay my way there, I'd definitely do that. Government forgot that one. For once, I'm thankful I'm stubborn and ego because in the last couple of days, I felt like giving up my dream. If I said I wanted to take medicine, then medicine it would be. No one can make me change my mind!!!!! No one ever tried to anyway. If I were to have only one life, then let medicine be that life. So, yeah. That's it.

Trunk

My temper nowadays's near the surface. Just waiting to erupt. I've made my decision. Yet I keep going back to it. Everything seems so distant. Everything seems so ugly.
Why? Up to now, why? What else can I do to prove myself? What do they want?
Those words. I heard them. I tried shutting them out, but I heard them. I don't trust myself to speak anymore. I don't dare asking questions. I'm scared. For once, I feel so scared.

Waves

Could life get worse?
Yea.
So be thankful.
Okay.

Why do I always have to be the one who lets my parents down?
What the heck is wrong with me??!
Apparently, a lot =)
For once. For once. For once.
"For once listen to us."
For once.
Have I not listened in these 17 years?
Not even once?
Not even once.

I'm not using their money. They can stashed it in a cupboard somewhere. It's not something I can live with.

Am I destroying my own future? It looks bleak.

Call me stupid.
Because I am.
I don't want it.
I'm through being a burden.
I'm through being dependent.
I have my own capabilities. They will lead me somewhere.
Even if that somewhere isn't what I want. But it's what I'd worked for. If nothing works, I can quit studying. Get a job as a cashier somewhere and get married within 5 years.
For once, I've a back-up plan. Haha.

I try not to show it.
It's so cold.

I'm heartless.
I don't have any expression.
I don't feel anything.

But I'm a human. I'm just a bloody human.
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I break down.
Save me. Please.

Whoops to bes

Have you ever felt like you didn't want to be awaken from your sleep? I'm sure everyone knows that feeling. Either you were too tired or you had a really nice dream. Or you didn't want to face the day ahead. There are 1001 reasons. People say sleeping is a cure. Have a bad headache? Sleep and you'll feel better when you wake up. Flu, stress...whatever it is, sleeping is the answer. Mentally and physically. So why doesn't it work for problems then?

You go to bed hoping your dream would wash them away. To let the peace and calmness work their magic. Ohh, it works alright- for the first few minutes after you've opened your eyes that is. Then like a splash of cold water, everything comes rushing back. The undone assignments, the exploded toaster, the fight with your parents. At that moment, you have 2 choices; to cover yourself back with your duvet and let the drowsiness takes you or put on those fluffy slippers and head on to the bathroom, preparing yourself for whatever's coming. Most people choose the latter. I choose the former. Hey, I don't have any reason to wake up now do I? I could spend all day long sleeping if I feel like doing so. What a life *roll eyes*

Excuses. Man-made excuses. We're good at making them. We're not good at accepting them. We have an excuse ready to match each happening. It doesn't take a genius to think of one in a matter of 3 seconds. It's just a matter of sounding convincing. We love creating excuses so much that we end up doing that for others as well. Don't believe me? Here:
She told you she couldn't come : I'm sure something really really important came up.
Then pooh, you found out she just preferred going somewhere else with someone else. Walah, we have an excuse for that one too: It's my fault for not asking. I should have asked.
And so it continues. Yada yada yada.

Don't get the wrong idea. That's just an example. Nobody stood me up. So far. But well, we all do that don't we? Especially for those we care for. Why though? Insecurity? Not wanting to be hurt? PATHETIC? Oh yeah. I like that last one. That's what we human should start learning to accept about ourselves. We are pathetic beings. Just that sometimes we're too engrossed in what we're doing, we don't realise that. I guess, we just don't want to give up hoping. We make excuses and make ourselves believe them. We feel better. There's no room for hurting, no room for accepting the truth. Just lies we forced ourselves to believe. Doesn't that make us pathetic? Suprisingly, the answer's no. No, that doesn't make us pathetic. There. Written in a perfect full sentence. Maybe it's just our way of dealing with things. Instead of spending the day moping around, maybe it's better to build up false hopes. That way, we won't have ideas about people. That way, we won't get hurt. Happiness based on lies? Why not? ^^

Once upon a time

" Mum, Dad, could I be 7 once again?"

^^

A child. I want to be a child once again. To go back to that age, I want that.

I want to be able to say and do things without being judged.

I want to feel genuinely happy without any pain.

I want to be able to cry without feeling ashamed.

The comfort and safety of childhood. Nothing can beat that.

Frilly dresses with matching shoes and lacy socks. Ugh.

Meals and times spend together.

Tantrums.

Oh yea.

Dear Hani,

Happy 7th birthday!

Her card! Shoot. I knew I'd forgotten something.

Done. Written, filled, drawn. Bleh.

Sorry love. Your cake pictures didn't make my blog because it had PPG cartoon all over it =P Maybe next year k?

I know. I'm such a nice sister. Lol.

Through the tears

For the first time, she cried. I didn't know for what reason. Nobody knew. I stared for quite some time. Just watching and waiting. She smiled at me. I smiled back. Then she sat and did her usual stuff. I thought she was fine. We all thought so. Not when I saw the tears welling in her eyes. Not until I saw her secretly wiped those tears away. Biting her lips, she was still smiling. Smiling and crying silently at the same time. I wondered how she could still see. I wondered what's going on through her mind. I will never know. I did what I was best at. I kept my silence. I wondered what could make her cried. Of all the years I've known her, she was a strong person. Stronger than me even. Yet now, she's alone in her silence. In a way I'd never imagined. I didn't dare asking. I couldn't. Couldn't even imagine what might have hurt her. I had my suspicions, but that's it.
I wanted to ask whether she's fine. I wanted to make sure she's okay. Even then, something about her attitude told me otherwise. That if I asked her those questions, I would get the answers I'd expected. The way she's acting...it's like she wanted everyone to think things were as normal as ever. She didn't want any question asked. She didn't want anyone to know. She's still her, just not quite. For once, I could see she's tired. I could see the lines on her face, aged by years in a short period of time. Her cheeks weren't flushed, her eyes weren't bright. I wanted to shake her back to her sense. I wanted her to snap out of her problems and faced reality. The world she's living in. Did she even notice that?
Then one day, I saw her cried. Really cried. Something I'd never witnessed before. She was alone in her room, hugging a pillow. Using it to muffle any noise she's making. I really thought of entering the room to comfort her before I changed my mind; she wouldn't want anyone to realise that. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Giving in to the grief she unsuccessfully tried to hide. In the end, it came to this.