Just So I Wouldn't Cry

I............

am a schmuck. I am a putz. I am a moron.
Why?
Haha. Because I am. In the simplest word of words, I really am. In the deepest and most complicated sentences, I still am. Actions justify a person don't they? Actions justify me. Words do nothing, they mean nothing. They're so easy to manipulate, and I idiotically am so easy to believe them, I don't trust them anymore. Look at the ending, actions concluded it all. Look at the ending, it's the actions that hurt us. Words..they could easily mean something else aite? We say what we don't mean; we rarely do what we don't mean.

Trust, faith, believing.

Those words are something to us humans. They're in our everyday dictionary. Spoken, acted, meant. Yet it's still so hard to have them. I know, because I don't. Not anymore. I want to, but I just don't. If I could pick out the values I could have and feel...but I couldn't. Sadly, I couldn't.
Last time, I was so ready to admit I was strong. Inside and out, that's what I tried to potray. Was I? I don't know. Does not crying make you that? I cried once. Really cried. That's when I admitted crying was a real relief because I did feel relieved. 400 people were watching but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn. I just cried. It's not like I was gonna see any of them again anyway. The other one time when I did cry, was when my grandpa died. That was different. I practically choked trying to hold the tears back. My lung gasped for air, and I had to hold on to the table so I could support myself. So I could stand strong, for those who weren't. But that night, I cried to sleep. I felt weak. To succumb to my emotion, I felt weak.

From someone who didn't believe, I once did. Then I don't anymore. Just like that.