Puffer fish

Yesterday, i'd spend my night sorting through the cards i'd gotten the year before. A way of entertaining myself since i'd almost died out of boredom which happens a lot now by the way. There was the unique raya card from Terey. Unique because of it's envelope. I remember asking him about it and he said the usual ones would be, well, boring. I've to agree with him. It's amazing how he'd even managed to get his sarcasm inside a raya card :D Then there was the card posted from Wendy. It was sweet of her because at that time she was in KL. Cards, cards and cards. From Rina. From Asylla, Ctah, Ct etc..but i just noticed that those cards were similar in a way. Different events but the same content. SPM. It felt really weird reading those now.

It's been a week since i'd last wrote anything in here. What's there to write anyway?



I'm bored

Enough that i would spend my day at home glancing at the clock, the watch, my handphone. Whatever that's able to tell me the time. And it doesn't help that time doesn't seem to move. Not slowly, not crawling, but not moving. I'd wander around the house, complaining. Or I'd lie quietly on my bed, trying to focus my thoughts elsewhere besides the TIME. Or do odd jobs. Like today, i helped my maid folded clothes. Other days, I helped her washed the dishes. I called those odd jobs because before this, over my dead body would i do house chores. I personally hated folding clothes. Or putting them away. Basically, anything that involved clothes. Except buying and wearing them, of course.



I'm bored

So i would usually spend my afternoons in Parkson with my bro. Or night outings with my parents AND my bro. And somehow, there's always something to buy. Maybe i should learn a thing or two from the shopaholic books. Anyway, the trips to Parkson have become boring as well. It's like there's nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. Nothing new, no excitement whatsoever. And by the way, the whole point of that picture isn't that he'd make a good waiter, though i think he would despite the fact that he'd laughed the last time i'd suggested him to find a job, no. He wanted his SHOES to be in the picture because according to him, there's nothing more important than a pair of decent shoes. Jeans comes in second and lastly, t-shirt. And according to him as well, what's the point of spending hundreds on buying them if you don't show them? Uh, yeah. Like i care.

I'm bored

Which explains why i write in my diary every night. That's one thing i love though. Writing. I could go on for pages. I don't know what i write about since i'd just complained there's nothing to do. So, shouldn't there be nothing to write? But you know, the more boring it gets, the l o n g e r my entry gets. Maybe because that's the time when i'm really good at crapping. And besides, there's nothing to do right? Why shouldn't i write? And oh, at the rate i'm writing, my diary wouldn't even last for another 2 months. Which says something since it's thicker than last year's and THAT lasted for more than a year.

I'm bored

And my brother feels it's not right if he doesn't criticise me in a day. Last night he said i was always writing in my diary and wasn't it boring? He asked me how many hundred pages I'd wrote and when i told him it's only 1 and a half page, he replied sceptically that that's because it's only 12.30 am. Then today he LAUGHED at me because i was folding the clothes. And he asked me to stop wandering around because it annoyed him. Fine. Whatever.

It's stupid because my days are all the same. I wake up just to wait for bedtime. That's like living without any purpose. I might as well sleep the whole day. But of course, I couldn't do that.

smiling o r a n g e s

It has been raining for these past few days.

And as i watched the rain poured, i was reminded by school. To tell you the truth,
the only time i'd enjoyed the rain was during school. For some reason. That's the only place where i could actually feel it. Maybe because classes were so boring. Or when it rained, the teachers usually got distracted as well. And there were the chances we wouldn't be able to hear what they're teaching, haha. So yeah, rain added a bit of excitement to our school lives. Sitting at the very back near the door, the wind was usually strong. I was always reluctant when the teachers asked us to shut the doors and windows when the rain became too heavy. To feel the rain spraying on my face and the wind gushing on my cheeks, it made me feel free. I used to watch the teachers' peach-painted flats as it rained. The harder the rain got, the more blurrish the vision of the flats became. Until they're gone, replaced by the heavy downpour. I thought that if the rain had stayed light, it'd create a beautiful scenery. After all, isn't everything extra beautiful under the drizzle of the rain? Like watching everything in their true nature. Then there were the girls. I couldn't help but smile when i saw them clamped their hands over their ears and started shrieking when the sound of the thunder was heard. It was funny. I mean, come on. We're under a roof surrounded by four walls. I'd say the chances of being strucked down by lightnings were nearing nil.

Then there was that day during NS. 24th February 2007. I remember because i wrote the whole thing in my diary :P It was in the afternoon. Sports were starting at 4.30 pm, so all of us headed to the canteen. But it was raining cats and dogs.Really really heavy. The type of rain where you had to shout to talk to the person sitting next to you. So the sports were cancelled (yay!) and we had to sit there, doing nothing. I sat cozily on the bench-as far as a bench could be cozy-while reading my book and messaging with Terey. My friend nudged me, it was Pija i think. I turned around and saw the teacher making a number 7 with her fingers. She was signalling the occupants of P7A. My friends rushed to the front. I took my time since i DIDN'T enjoy my reading to be disturbed. By the time i reached there, my friends were already running towards the girls' dorm. Rain and all. I was blur. So i asked Juliza what's going on. She answered me by saying,"Our room's flooded!". I did a split thinking, put my book on the teacher's table for fear of it being wet and sprinted to my room. Despite starting late, i was the second one to reach the room. We all stood in front of the door. Then we opened it, expecting the water to rush out............
just to find out everything's the same as they were when left them earlier. Our beds, our shoes, our lockers. Since i've never experienced a flood before, Miri being floodless in my entire life, I was like, "Ok. What am i suppose to do?". Then my friend told me to fold my matress and put all my stuff on the bed or on top of my locker just in case. And so i did. Turned out, the only part that was flooded was the back part. As in nowhere in the room. My roommates took turn sweeping the water using brooms and a dustpan. Seriously. Some of them added in the fun by playing in the rain. I didn't for fear of catching a fever. I've been sick 3 times in a month already. People kept passing by with their umbrellas to see 'the flooded room'. As if that's exciting. And that's how the story of the so-called flood ended :)

Facts and False

Let us face reality for a moment.

False: I have a warm close relationship with my parents.
Fact: I could never get along with them.

False: Boredom is the only thing i'm feeling.
Fact: Tense.

False: I'm forever a spoilt brat, throwing tantrums to get my way.
Fact: I'm trying really hard to control my temper and my patience's
              wearing really really thin.

False: We all enjoy having our family and friends around us.
Fact: Where's the peace?

False: Home's heaven.
Fact: I wish there's somewhere else I could run to.

Damn this world.Or just me.You got your wish.

Black & White

It's weird. Sitting here and yet something feels not quite right. It's like when you look at the sky, the stars and the moon are all there but you know something's missing. Bullshit? Definitely.
It seems hard to accept the fact that I'm growing up. Moving to a different phase of life. It feels
like form 1, walking into the class with Rina. Then it's form 2, which I hated. Came form 3, celebrating straight As with Jo, Rina and Edwin. Form 4. And lastly, form 5. And I didn't walk out of Kolej with them, my friends. As I used to in form 3. Edwin was saying the other day that he was happier during form 3 because back then all his friends got excellent results. There's a lot of truth in that. Now it seems all different. We're different.
This is one of the nights when I don't feel like going to sleep. It reminds me of last year, where I'd stayed up all night just to finish Add Math course work. It was a waste though because I ended up getting it from a friend and the editing + printing took less than an hour. But maybe because of that I got only kepujian for it. Yeaaa..that's what stated on the certificate. Like i care.

PLKN Siri 4/Kumpulan 1 2007, Kem Miri

Presenting...

From left: Pija,As,Izzati,Nisa

                                                                              

         
             The day Izzati and Pija hid the choc cake :P                                        

                                                                
                     
                                    P7A                                              
     
                      
                     The NEW way of boiling water   
                                                                                

Yup,we're taking pics in the middle of the jungle      
  
                                                                           
                         With teachers on the last day
                         
 
                          The bed     
                
   
                               The so-called camping
           

Told you shooting wasn't easy!         
 
    Flying fox.Never ever believe what the teacher said.
                                                                                
Sukan kreatif. Everyone was soaked!
          
                                            Go Charlie!!
                                                                                
Need i say more?
                                                                                                                        

Just Words

It's raining. Which means i couldn't give my rabbits a bath. There's nothing wrong with rain though. Just that i don't like wet + damp + dark. I'm the kind of person who switches on the lights even when it's NOT dark. That's why I don't like eating in the dining room- my room's streaming with sunshine. Lol.
So what did I do today?
Let's see, woke up at 11 am :P I was shocked as well! I woke up expecting the clock to show 9 am, or the latest, 10 am. I mean, the latest I'd woke up in NS was 8 am. But then, back then there were a lot of chores that's needed to be done. Now? Er..does fetching the plate from the kitchen count?
Then i spend half of the afternoon watching a korean + japanese movie titled Blue Swallow. It was kindda nice actually. Not your usual classic storyline. The time setting was 1910. It's about a women who succeeded in being the first civilian female korean pilot. At that time, Korea was still under Japan. So now you get why it's a korean japanese movie. Pity it had a sad ending though. Well, we can't all achieve our happy ending can we?
After that I helped my maid cooked some veggie. I mean, it was easy. All I had to do was threw the bean curds in the wok. Not exactly threw, but that's what it felt like. Haha. Added some oil, oyster sauce and water. Then stirred the whole thing for about 2 minutes. And walah! There's your veggie. Not going to eat it though .Not because it doesn't taste nice but because I'm so not a veggie person. That's one of the dishes i could actually remember from the coaching Rina gave me during the sleepover at her house. That was only 2 and a half months ago, but it felt so long. Thanks NS. Then i cut carrots into little dices for my rabbits and washed some dishes. You know, out of boredom. Speaking about my rabbits, they're a month old today! I've never exactly mentioned them before have i? They're so small. And cute and furry and- hm. The list will never end :P But the fact that they're still alive to this day is more of a celebration itself. I'd have posted their picture online if only they'd stay put long enough for me to take a snap of them.Really, babies can be so troublesome.

And the waiting ends

As promised, here I am. Not that I've done that well, but acceptable. Just acceptable. Gotten 8as. And without fail, I keep thinking. What if? What if I'd worked harder? What if I'd been more serious? What if I'd studied earlier? I should have done better.
Shouldn't we all?
But this isn't the time and place for what ifs. What's done is done. The past is the past. A part of me feels no regrets for what has happened. The way I'd led my life last year was joyful. And I don't think I'd trade it for anything in this world. I'd want to go back in time, no doubt. But not to experience it again, no. Just to observe and learn. So that I can remember it forever.
The day. It was as NORMAL as ever. I woke up at 8 am, took a bath. And felt irritated when I remembered that the results were coming out today. Because I still wanted to enjoy my time at home. The feeling of waking up and sighing, not knowing what to do for the rest of the day. Sick
of doing the same things over and over again...and lazing around the house without any purpose. Those feelings. 5 minutes before leaving home, I tucked a packet of tissue in my pocket. Just in case. Cried. Because I was scared, knowing that I'd done badly in the exams. The first thing I said to my mum was asking her and my dad not to be mad if, just if, I didn't do well.
The journey to school was the LONGEST journey I've ever felt.
Arrived at school, I saw Rina's father and brothers. I didn't dare enter the office.
So i stood on the stairs, plucking up courage to face whatever I'd gotten. Ctah came. And we cried. When Jolene arrived, we went inside the office together. Jo kept saying she already
know hers. And Rina's. And mine. I kept pleading her to tell me since there's a queue to check the results.But all she'd said was, "You did okay,". How okay is okay? 4as isn't okay. I looked at my results with shaky hands. Rushed out of the office, informed my parents of my results, hugged my mum and cried. And so I cried.Out of joy. I don't think I'd ever forget the expression on my parents' face. Joy, relief and proud at the same time. The greatest 30 seconds in my life. Why? Because all this while, if there were people that I was scared of letting down, it's my parents. Not my friends, not my teachers, not even myself. But my parents.I don't think I'd be able to face their disappointment. They've done so much, given so much, that I felt it's more of their success than mine. It's their celebration. And i couldn't help wondering, how could a parent's love towards his or her child be so great? A mystery I'd never unveiled. When i arrived home, I took out the packet of tissue. And smiled when i saw it's unopened.

There's always a tomorrow

Usually when I write, I don't like mentioning stuff I don't like. Sad happenings, grief and sorrow..because that's not how I want my life to be. I don't want to open my diary or my blog 10 years from now and remember unwanted things. I just want happiness. But I guess, that isn't possible.
2 months and 11 days of national service, it's not something I'd be proud of. It's something hard for me to believe. No, time didn't fly when I was there. In fact, it seemed to freeze. And no, I'm not sad it's over. So what exactly is the unbelievable part? That I've gone through it. Even though I hate it up to this day, there were still happy moments. I've made great friends, done stupid things, and knew myself more than ever. That's about it.
Life was far from normal when I was there. A forced life. But then, there were HABITS I couldn't get rid of. I was the earliest one to wake up in my room everyday. I couldn't survive without coke and chocolate. My friends would cringe when they saw me drinking coke first thing every morning :P I was still picky about food, skipping dinner everyday, but not as picky as I used to
be. I'm starting to appreciate food at home. I used to stare at the kitchen cabinet for 5 minutes, trying to find something I could eat before stamping my foot in frustration saying there's no food even though the cabinet's full :P I still didn't like taking a nap in the afternoon. When the others were sleeping, I'd usually do my chores, read a book or write in my diary. I still didn't like watching tv. And that's the reason why I never watched tv in the tv room up to the last day. I was still a klutz. Rushing and tripping when i shouldn't be. But the one thing I don't get until now is how a perfectionist I was during my stay there. I'd make sure my locker and my bed were tidy-even the pillow must be at the exact position everytime I left the room. I'd complete my chores everyday, no matter how tired I was. Compared to when I'm at home...well, let's just say my sister complained yesterday that the desk'll be messy again since i'm home.
And there're things I won't forget. Like crying because there's no water. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a crybaby. It was just after jungle trekking. We were in the jungle for 8 hours and when I got back I was exhausted and looking forward to a good long bath. So when there's no water, I just bursted into tears. And my friends were so helpful. They were like,'Don't cry.Use my toilet. There's water here,'. Haha. Not long after that, Izzati cried because Pija didn't tell her she
has pens. She was asking everywhere for a pen and nobody had it. When Pija finally told her she had them, she cried. Ha! So much for criticising me for crying because there wasn't any water! I'd think my reason's a lot more relevant. But I guess, we're just stressed out.
Tomorrow. I can't say I'm nervous, because i'm not. Not yet anyway. But deep down, I'm scared.
Scared of what I'll get, scared of letting people down, scared of my future. Because after this, I'll have to make important decisions by myself. Something I've always been avoiding. People say we are never alone. That we have our friends and family with us all the time. A true fact. And yet? It's NOT the genuine truth. There're things you have to do alone. There're times when you feel alone, even when you're surrounded by friends. A feeling nobody could touch. That's what I'm scared of. During these past few days, I've been trying to prepare myself mentally so that I won't cry no matter what my results are. But I know it won't work. It never did. I just want to be strong. Because what I'm going to get..is what I'd worked for. So I don't think complaining and worrying is the thing here. If there is an entry posted tomorrow, then I've done WELL. If there isn't, well, you got my message :) Wish me luck.