A Rhapsody On Its Own

Everyone has their own story. A tale to tell. Memories to share. And a whole lot of stuff to regret.
A new beginning ends an ending. And an ending marks a new beginning.
Looking back throughout the year, I can't say much. Maybe because they're too PRECIOUS to say, or too HORRIBLE, making me refusing to say them. Whatever they were, the year of 2006 was definitely an upturn in my life. Not because of what I've learnt.Nor is it because of my ups and downs or the memories I've made. But because of the amazing people I've gotten to know, and gotten to meet with. People who'd guided me to where I should be, who'd stayed with me no matter what the circumstances were, who'd showed they care.

To Rina, whose good judgement is beyond others. Who stands by me since day one till today. Who always closes her eyes during photo shoots :P and who gave me the most beautiful bracelet I've ever set my eyes on.

To Jolene, whom I know all this while, as one of the greatest person. Whose memory, I hope, will improve in the years to come. Who always wants the best for her friends.

To Terence, whose sarcasm never leaves him. Who's always prepares to dish out advises and be a listening ear. Who's never too stingy to give his guidance.

To Kalus, whom I owe a bucket of apologies, and thank yous. Who's always there, sharing the sweetness and bitterness. Who rationalises his friends, no matter what.

To Siti, whose thoughtfulness impresses those around her. Who offers a kind hand to those who need it. And a shoulder to cry on (or to lean on, hehe).

To Edwin, whose dry sense of humour shall be remember. Who possesses a unique way of teaching (a.k.a being criticised for dumbness comes first). And for meekly following us around parkson all this while :P

To Syafiqah, whose patience is as sticky as marmalade on bread. Who makes me laugh even when I'm down. Whose "spur of the moment" style I'll always have respect for.

To those mentioned, and to those who weren't, to my friends, thank you. For making my life a blessed experience. And no, I'm not dying. Just leaving for ns. Hell in heaven. Or hell in hell.
A rhapsody on its own? Maybe.

2007, a new journey begins.

Belongs in the bin

My mum handed me my first ever brush.To scrub my clothes. It feels like i'm an adult already. My own brush! :P yea, that's pathetic, I know. Maybe I should learn how to scrub first...
I'll MISS my friends. Haha. Didn't think I'd actually use that word. After SPM, I thought, well, I didn't feel anything. When people were busy taking photos, giving momentos, hugging and crying and everything, I just stood there. I actually felt they're making a mountain out of a molehill. I mean, those things happen all the time right? It was one of the times when I'd have laughed if I saw someone crying her or his heart out. When nothing could see or feel through me. A COLD me. The me that I HATE. But it was also the me who's too stubborn to accept anything. Finality. Maybe it's too hard to deal with. After all, ignorance is easier right?
It's weird, that what we know and what we're trying to acknowledge are two very different things. I guess that's why we do things we never meant to. That's why we talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Why we're hypocrites. Just because you know something, doesn't mean it's registered in your brain. Just because you've done that mistake before, doesn't mean you'll never do it again. Maybe that's why I don't believe in second chances. And that's plain stupid. Because if I srew something up, I'd like to be given the chance to start all over again. I know that's what I'd want. So why can't I give what people want?
Because I'm not other people. I'm not them. And I will never be.

A twig

It's not like i'm an unsympathetic cow or anything but it's really hard to show any emotion towards the earthquake incident when it made the connection SUCKS. Big time. It's funny when so many people are online but couldn't chat with each other and had to make do instead with typing out personal messages for the others to read. Haha. And how I had to wait for HOURS for the pages to finish loading. Not to mention the whole text-messaging thing. It's hard not to feel pissed.
Okay, so today's a SHITTY DAY. What's with the connection ordeal and everything. I think my head almost cracked with all the readings I've done. Basically because there's nothing else to do. I couldn't even bath my rabbits because I just remembered I'd finished the last bottle of shampoo the last time I'd bathed them and now I've to wait until tomorrow to get a new bottle. My mum suggested using Pantene. But who was she kidding? Pantene on rabbits? And besides, it was raining. Again. I wonder what Mr. Sun's doing behind all those clouds. Duh.
I just knew that Asylla won't be going to national service. Not the first series anyway. She's going to the second one. For a moment I felt dazed. Too shocked to say anything. It's like when I was sitting for chemistry and biology paper 2 during SPM. I had the confidence I'd do well since I'd work hard at those subjects. Only to discover in horror that I couldn't answer most of the questions asked. That there's a possibility I might not scored As in those subjects. That my future's half ruined. That I was ruined. That was what I felt 30 minutes ago.
Looking at my friends, it's hard to be jealous. I feel happy for them. Education is important right? No questions about it. I just feel sick. Knowing that I don't have any idea where I'm going. Or what I'll do. What I'll get. I don't have any plans. Not simply because I don't like planning. But because I don't know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I don't know what my interests are, if there's any. I just know that I won't be opting for options I don't even want to consider. I don't know if that's stupid or not. Most people think it is. I'm not being CHOOSY or PICKY or whatever. I just want to do something I like, whatever it is. It's hard to live up to my brother because his field of interest is so different from mine. Sure, my parents have a thing or two to say about that. A part of me wants to follow what they say. So I can prove to them that I'm not exactly dumb. And maybe, for once, to make them proud of me. That was why I took science stream in the first place. Stopped doing what I liked just because they never took any interest in it no matter what my achievements were. That's what so hard.
Somehow, I feel like I've LOST IT ALL. Like a twig in a middle of a hectic road. Ordinary and useless.

home SwEeT home

I think i've left this blog for more than a week.Or was it more than 2? Oh SOD it. Who cares anyway.
Just arrived home! Well...more like 2 hours ago :P but....i'm home!
How i've been waiting for this day! Staying in KL for 9 days was hell.
Let's see....

DAY 1
Arrived at Pan Pacific Hotel. Ok, straight to the point. Seriously, what was wrong with checking in early? Why must it be 11 am? Didn't they realise we had to wait?? But then my mum said the system's similar to the hotels in japan. Seemed like they forgot they're in bloody Malaysia. Nikko wasn't like that.And IT'S A JAPANESE HOTEL.
Then we went to Ikea. I saw this cute study lamp that i so must have for my room.Though of course, i don't need it considering SPM's over . So it won't exactly be easy to convince my mum to buy it right? Only i found myself telling her how my sister needs it since she's in secondary school and all (of course, forgetting the fact that our room already has one which we rarely use.Never, in fact) and she actually bought my story! Really, adults nowadays can be so clueless. But i got what i wanted for my room ;)  cheers.
I couldn't remember what else happened on that day....
Oh! Went to bro's campus where i almost lost my temper.Patience is really a virtue.

DAY 2
Where did we go on that day? Oh. One Utama. Bla bla bla. Done.

DAY 3
Boring.

DAY 4
As i was walking out of the KTM, an idiotic moron guy stepped on my slipper and it fell through 
the gap onto the railway track. I was slipperless! Thanks to him! Dad called the janitor and he said he couldn't do that since it's dangerous and we can only get it after 12. After 12! Even Cinderella went home at 12!And for his information, Cinderella is a very famous story, favours by the young and old.So we should respect her timing. But i guess, one such as him wouldn't understand that.As my dad talked to the security, i borrowed the janitor's broom and dustpan 
and took it myself. Duh. I hope that stupid guy reads what i'd wrote about him.

DAY 5-DAY 8
All were boring. That and i couldn't remember :)

Which reminds me, national service's in 3 days.I haven't even packed yet! It took me 2 days to pack for a 2-day camp. How about 3 months? Nevermind. I'll just throw everything in the suitcase.Everyone else will be bringing a suitcase right? Or suitcases. There's nothing wrong with bringing more than one. I mean, you'll never know what you might need.It's not like they have Watson or Guardian nearby. But of course, i won't bring more than one. That's like unnatural.I just have to wash my clothes.On my own.Me.Wash clothes.I'm so DEAD . I've never done that before.I don't even know what's the difference between detergent and Softlan. Or are they the same thing? Whatever. I'm sure things will turn out fine.I just need to learn a thing or two.Or maybe a whole lot.

. . . . . . . .

Human grief.

It's something unreachable. Isn't it? 
To understand isn't understanding enough.
To share. And to feel. Are just words.
Tears are just tears. Unless there's a reason.
No two person share the same grief.
As long as there's determination, it'll pass.
That's what we think right?
Determination. That's what everyone says anyway.
How is that possible.When you don't even know what you're lamenting over?
When everything fails, blame the person. Easy peasy.
Our thoughts are so easy to manipulate, it's pathetic.

A couple of times, i caught myself being deeply in thoughts. Just to find out that nothing's gained. To find out that i was just concentrating really hard.
Was trying to block all these emotions.Or maybe i was doing it again. 
Avoiding.
 

The Tree

If i close my eyes, i can still see it.
It was during exam. Mock 3 I think. I'd finished answering the questions (or couldn't care less
about it anymore since i didn't know the answers :P however you want to look at it)
I looked out of the window. Looked at that tree.
I always stared at it whenever I wanted to think. Just to let my thoughts wandered. For a short moment.
It was on that day. That I thought about my future. I usually avoided that topic. Nearing SPM, it was getting depressed. Everybody couldn't seem to find other issues to discuss about. It was either "What do you really want to be?" or..."Where are you going after this?"....
Hell. Hearing that was a torture. Asking them to shut up would have been rude. Of course they're enthusiastic. They already have a plan. Or a vague idea, at least, of what to do with their lives.
I didn't. Still don't. And...would it be too much if I say that it doesn't really matter?
As long as I'll get to do what I want, other things don't seem that important. Planning is just isn't me. The only time I'd planned, was before writing a BM essay. Which hopefully, I won't have to do again. Seriously, language isn't beautiful if it gets serious like that. And all those
"prosa klasik" and stuff? What do they have against normal sentences? I thought the SIMPLEST is always the best. It's good if everyone knows that.
I guess, reality hasn't really kicked in yet.
No planning = dead
I'm comfortable like this. I don't want to go anywhere. Don't we all? :)
But..even if I'm given that choice. I wouldn't take it. Nobody would.
I'll get fat if i stay here all the time anyway. All those snacks....jk :P

Sadness and Sorrow

Yesterday, i was awoken by the news of the baby rabbits getting stucked.
Today, i was awoken by the news of it's death.
What will tomorrow bring?

When my maid told me that, I was all, "Oh," then rolled back to sleep. When i woke up, it HIT me.
It's dead. I was amazed at how calm i felt. It didn't affect me. At all. I got so used to hearing that
I guess. That it doesn't really matter anymore. The only thing I could think of was, "Why didn't
Toru look after it?" A foolish question, I know. Seeing that i was angry to a rabbit. But i guess, i needed to channel my anger somewhere.
So I took a visit to the former-mother's cage. And I saw Toru lying in her cage quietly. Just staring.
It suddenly dawned on me that it's more of a lost to her than to me. She lost a baby rabbit.
Her first baby. How could I have loved Baby Toru more than her? I saw her grew up. From a
little bunny. To a mother. The first time my mum brought her home, I actually jumped in delight.
She's so pretty. All grey and white. The smartest, the hardest to catch, the one who's always in a positive mood ( and spilled her food) . And seeing her all down like that...
So what right? There'll be more Baby Toru and Baby Barney and Baby Yuko.
But there's only one Toru. One Barney. And one Yuko.

A Mother's Love

Baby Toru is born. Or is it Baby Barney? Haven't decided on that yet.
Well, obviously it's not the one in the pic. She's too furry to be a baby. That's Toru Senior.
The mother.
I've only been awake for 2 hours. And I've cried enough to fill a bucket. Seeing them stucked there between the rails. Suffocating. My God. Only one lives. They should both be alive.
But I'm thankful enough.
I felt so HOPELESS. Not being able to do anything. Just stood there and cried. And prayed. For an hour. I love my maid :P she rescued them.
I love being around my rabbits. Because when I'm with them, I'm completely me. I don't have to pretend. I don't care if they peed on me (seriously, it happened before). Or if I have to go through mud just to catch them. I don't care if I have dirt in my hair. I don't care if I ended up
with scratches.
I love lecturing them. Even though they never listened to me (Toru went to the neighbour's house just now. See?) Or telling them to shriek whenever there's a cat nearby so I'd be able to save them (they never did that either. I had to rely on my instincts). The only time they'd shriek is when I'm about to put them in their cages.
I held Baby Toru with my bare hands. It felt AMAZING. It's (because I don't know if it's a she or a he yet) so tiny. Only 4 centimetres in length. Like Thumbelina. Just that this one's a rabbit. But you know what? It's far more cute than Thumbelina. Even though it has no fur yet and it's still reddish. It's so much more adorable. I wish I could take care of it instead of giving it to it's mother. Which of course, isn't possible. For the first time in my life, I wish i'm a rabbit :P
I hope Toru takes really good care of it.

Spinning Strawberry

Strawberry.

Some say it's sweet.
Some say it's sour.
Some say it's salty (salty?).
But nobody says it's bitter.

By this time, everyone should be celebrating. Who wouldn't right? The exams are over. After 2 weeks.They're finally over.

My desk returned to it's normal messy state.
My wall is bare, notes have been stripped off.
My bed is tidy, no papers, no books.
Everything is back to normal.

Then why do i feel like SOMETHING'S bugging me?
Why do i feel like something's completely not right?
Something isn't done.
But what?

Vacuous.

Break IT

I choked.I really did. Everytime. Every bloody moment.
Darn.
Sometimes.I wonder how much stupider can i get.
And why do I love torturing myself that much.
Sanked the claws in myself. And try to tear myself apart.
When the bridge's broken, people would usually just find another way.
I would walk right through it.
Knowing that I'll fall.

I hate all those. I want it to stop.
I really want it to stop.

 



 

Depth

Be true to yourself.
That's it right?
Honesty.
We can lie to other people, cheat, or do whatever we want to do.
But the important thing is to always be true to ourselves. No matter what we say or do, be without pretention.
What kind of person who deals with lies all the time anyway?
What kind of life does that person leads?
When you don't even know what you want in life. Or when you do know but choose to ignore.
Evading the facts. Maybe it's fear. Or pride-the biggest enemy. It seems to outdo us in everything. Even in the little things life has to offer.
When you stare in the mirror.What do you see?
You see yourself staring back. Every inch the same. Except for something you would never have realised without the existence of mirrors. You see the reflection of fear. Insecurity. You see the person whom you are trying to hide the whole time. All. From just a reflection.
What will happen if you explore that person?
The one hidden beneath the complexity.
Know itself from the inside and outside.
You found yourself.
Reality check is always scary. To know something you don't want to know.
But i guess, the scariest part is when you have LOST yourself forever. Never finding who you really are. Or the sole reason for existing.

round and ROUND

Started my day with a glass of COKE.

Excitement of the day:

Boiled 2 eggs!
Don't get me wrong. I know how to do scrambled eggs, omelette, fried eggs and so on.
There's just something dangerous with boiled water + fire :P
I cheated though. Well, how should I know when the eggs were finally cooked?
So I had to consult my maid. A couple of times. Only.
Turned out, she didn't know everything about boiling. Or cooking.
My supposed-to-be-half-boiled-eggs turned into 100% boiled eggs.
I guess I left it too long.

Disaster failed to strike though.
Ok, so I dropped a plastic spoon. But that's all. I didn't knock anything else down. And I didn't break anything else either. Guess it's a success :)