Teared Silk

Hearing a bird chirped, I looked up. There it was. Black and white. I watched it for a while before it took off.

I recognised that bird. The same voice, the same colour, the same position. Amazed. Yes, I was amazed. Even after all these while, it's still there. But then, I couldn't be sure whether that was the exact bird. The one who was there while I was weeding. Or when I sat at the patio for ages, gazing upon the sky. It could easily be a similar one. I'm not a bird-watcher, I wouldn't know. All birds look the same to me.

Some things remain don't they? Untouched by the passing time. Yet some things don't. Changes occur without our agreement. Whether we like it or not, whether we're willing to or not. It's unavoidable. A whole lifetime process. Life changes and we're changing along with it. Adapting to different situations, protecting ourselves subconciously. Certain people look upon it as a kind of merit. Accept it as a part of you, and learn to deal with the 'new' you. Yet some people see it as a flaw. Reluctant to cope with it and move on.

Being back here, it reminds me of how things once were. It seems as if everything is untouched. Still the same as how I'd left them. Even though to the eyes, everything is different. I'm not talking about someone changing the cover of my pillow hug with the exact one and denied it when I pointed it out- as if I wouldn't notice it. It was like when my brother sprayed me with a strong scented perfume on purpose and the scent wouldn't go off no matter how hard I scrub. It happened, it has passed. But it's still there. The smell still lingers. And you suffocate, trying to hold your breathe as long as you could trying not to notice it.

There were moments when I asked myself what I was doing here. I should be out there, back to how I used to be. Tensed, all stressed up, finishing my assignments as how my friends are. Anything. What I shouldn't be doing, is being at home, taking a break, typing this post.
Mistake number one.
I have always been impatient. I have always rushed about. Maybe for this once I need to slow down. Not necessarily halt, but slow down. Finish that 2-hour movie instead of watching it in 30 minutes flat. Drink that one can of Coke instead of taking only a few sips before throwing it in the bin.

Up to this point, should I say I have regrets? Or would anyone believe me if I said I didn't have any? Because truthfully, I don't. Regretting means caring. Regretting means admitting my own mistakes. I do realised those. My mistakes. But they were mistakes which were meant to be. From your mistakes, you learn. I couldn't even say I wouldn't repeat them, because I know I will. I'm one foolish human *applaude* Somewhere in the future, I'll do them again. Everything will replay itself once more. In order to be forgiven, you must make sins. In order to realise, you must do something regretful enough. Only then they're worth it.

Standing at the brink of life. Stabbed by unexpected moments. I've been there. I don't have to dig deep into my past and look far to recall them. I don't need regrets and fears to ensure me of my journey. Just remembering those tells me, I don't want to experience it again. I don't want to go back there and feel those once more. In one step backward that's accidentally taken, I need to move 3 steps forward.
Funny.
I would never learned how random life is. I wouldn't be able to see how things aren't always as I want them to be. But hey, maybe it's not too bad aite?
Being strong in some ways yet fragile and vulnerable in others.

dumplings and pau

Some thought I left because I couldn't stand it there, which was partly true. But not entirely. Some thought I left because Rina had left, which was pure bullshit. What people had in their minds, I couldn't be bothered to correct their perceptions. I don't have to explain myself to the world, much less to them. What's important, is that I know where I'm heading towards. What's important, is that my family and friends fully support me in taking the next step.

KUTPM. A scholarship to do foundation in Medical Science.

Thanks to Effa, the whole world has probably know this by now :P
That was the real reason I left. That was what I couldn't bother to explain. Even so, like every other time, I couldn't help wondering whether I'd taken the right step. Whether this road, was the road I wanted to go on. And where it would lead me to. I couldn't help feeling scared that I might not be able to meet up to people's expectations. Scared that I might let my parents down again. Scared that I might not have the capabilities after all. There was a point when I almost gave up. There was a point when I felt so worthless. That maybe, I didn't deserve to live. That was the mistake I almost made. Giving up on life, when it's the only precious thing I still had. I forgot life was a gift itself.
I've fallen a couple of times this year alone. Each fall hurt. Each fall diminished everything I'd believed in. Each fall convinced me living was futile. Up to the point where I felt I couldn't get up anymore. I couldn't muster the courage to fight because each time, I kept losing. Maybe, everything was destined to be. That was the moment when I didn't know myself at all. Who was I? The words I'd spoken sounded like they were someone else's. My determination, my stubborness. The light of the candle had been snuffed out. Everything wasn't there anymore. Not knowing who you were, that's what so hard.
But then dad told me if I wanted to give up, then I should have done that a long time ago. Before I chose this path, before I went through the hardships. It wasn't easy for me to figure out what I wanted out of life, and when I did, I shouldn't let it go. That was the choice I made, and I should hold on to it no matter what. Dad was right. There's no turning back now.
The truth is, I'm scared of growing up. It's painful. I'm scared of having to leave home and live alone. I'm scared without my parents with me. Deep down, I'm still a child.
All those- my fears, screw them. A life live in fears is a half-life. After all, I'm not alone in being alone aren't I? All of us are learning to be alone so we'll never be lonely. I'm through with playing safe. I'm sick of worrying. From now on, I'm going to live.


I find the great thing in this world is, not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.
(Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, 1749-1832)

A Step Closer

Considering the amount of messages I've received so far, I could guess; the news has started to spread.
I've left KML.
So I only told a handful of people.
So I refused to have an ex-kolejians farewell party.
I didn't think it was necessary.
I didn't want to waste spending my limited time with those who weren't close to me.
It wasn't a big deal.
As Mira had said it, I liked doing magic. Disappearing suddenly without any hint.
That's not the case.
There were people I would like to meet again. There were also people I couldn't care less about. Those majority of people whom I didn't tell fell into the latter category. Who cares.
I felt neither sad nor happy.
I didn't feel relief nor did I cry.
I felt nothing.
How to sum up my 2 months and 9 days there? A second national service. Lol.
Did I regret it? No. No I didn't. I had awesome tutorial mates who ignored the lecturer in front and crowded outside to send me off. I had a super-nice roommate who walked through the rain to send me an umbrella when I'd forgotten to bring it. I had friends I know now I could always count on.
But Jo was right. I am, as what she always calls me, manja. I will always be.

Phase III of 2007, ended.

I Love You Dad

Walk a little slower daddy
Because I'm following your footsteps

Ever since I was small, I looked up to my dad. Like every other kid, he was my hero. I wanted to be like him. He was always there. He was there when I threw tantrums and refused to go to school. He was there when I called him to fetch me at school because I refused to use the school's toilet. He was there finishing my incomplete homework early in the morning, and I went to school and got praises for it. He was there during every school break, sending me home-made food and accompanying me because I didn't want to eat at the canteen. He was there during my very first crazed for books, bringing me to Belle's, handing me a basket and asked me to put anything in it.
Then he got transferred. I was in primary 6.
As I grew older, I got used to him not being there. I started to view him in a different way. I started to notice his flaws. I started to see he's only human. That he's imperfect, and that he too, had his cons. I started to think that maybe I didn't want to be like him after all.
Fetching him from the airport every weekend was a routine. I would accompany mum every Friday night, 7 pm flight, and send him off again every Sunday night for his 9 pm flight. I didn't know whether it was me being me, or it's just the way things were but I started to shut him from my life. He wasn't there anymore. Everytime he asked about my studies or details about my life, I'd feel irked. I felt he was interfering, butting in where he shouldn't. He was away and so he didn't need to know. But no matter what, Dad was always being dad. He'd try to make up for what I'd missed during the weekdays, constantly trying to smooth things out as they once were. As always, that was never enough.
As time passed by, I began to understand why things were as they were. He was away because he was trying to provide us with a better life. He was away because he would never took away what we already had here. Our lives, our friends, our memories. He was away because he was our Dad.
Life after form 5 was something I'd looked forward to. Because I thought, then, I wouldn't have to depend too much on him. I didn't want to. I was wrong.
When I broke down and cried, he was the one who consoled me. When I skipped a lecture, he told me it was okay. When I told him I didn't want to be a burden to him, he told me not to be ridiculous.

"If you don't want to study there, then I'll bring you home. You're my daughter and I love you. You're always welcome here. There are always other alternatives,"

How could I forget what he had said? A daughter who was miserable and cried on the phone wanting to go home, that was me. After all I've done. And he didn't even get mad.
Someone who understands my passion, he understands the way I lead my life. He let me do my own errors. He told me it's okay to fail. He pushes me in the right direction. He taught me to dream big, to leave all the feelings behind and focused on what's important. What Dad says goes. Because I know he's right.
I learned that it's okay to depend on him. It's safe, because I know he would never let me down as I've let him down countless of times. He would never deserted me. He would never walked away. I learned that I needn't be cautious around him. I don't need to act. I don't need to pretend. He may not know me as well as my friends do, but I know that to him, I'll always be his little princess. As I always was. And for that, nothing else matters.
But I couldn't say all these to him. I want, more than anything else, to tell him how thankful I am, for all he has done for me. That he's the reason I'm still able to hold on. To say to him that I love him more than life itself. I couldn't. I would never be able to.
I love you dad.

Only

It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
When you know you're cared for
When you know you're listened to
When a tear beats the sun down
When genuinity sails the rock
When what seems far is actually near
But what's near could seem so far.

It's when you hold on to your faith.
Keep it, and preach it.

A star on a vast of dark skies

I am broken. Inside and out, it shows. Beyond mending. I don't know what to think, I don't know what I should do. Of the things I've said, but I couldn't do. I couldn't accomplish them. I've lost it. What I fear the most, I lost it. I would never be able to retrieve it back. I lost. I lost to life. I lost to myself.
But I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend things are okay. I couldn't bring myself to smile. I couldn't continue acting. I couldn't lie to anyone anymore. That I'm brave. That I could face it. Because I'm not. Because I couldn't. I feel I couldn't continue living anymore. I couldn't see anything ahead of me. For once, I'm at lost.
I couldn't remember the last time I really laughed. I couldn't remember being happy. A minute. Let me be happy without any worry. Let me laugh as if there's no tomorrow. Till my stomach hurts, till tears run down my face. Just a minute. That's all I ask.
But it's not possible.
If I were to be granted one wish, I wanted to start this year all over again. Back to January. Back to when all the decisions weren't made. Back to when I still believed in myself. Back to when I still knew who I was.
Let me be a shell. Let me be a human without any feeling. Because I don't want to feel anything ever again. I couldn't take anything anymore. As the days passed, I became more fragile. It was when I slept, and I prayed I wouldn't have to wake up the next morning. It was when I was almost hit by a car, and Rina pulled me back, and I wished she didn't. I wished she would let the car hit me. But debts. Remembering I still have debts with God, remembering I still owed my parents, I lived. That's what I told myself. I couldn't give up on life, whatever happens. I couldn't.
Everything I've said, I blew it. I couldn't do it. I failed.
I'm going to start things all over again. No matter how long it'll take, how hard. That's all that's left. And for that, I must continue fighting. Fight for what I want.
Despite that,
Mum and Dad,
I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm sorry.