Just So I Wouldn't Cry

I............

am a schmuck. I am a putz. I am a moron.
Why?
Haha. Because I am. In the simplest word of words, I really am. In the deepest and most complicated sentences, I still am. Actions justify a person don't they? Actions justify me. Words do nothing, they mean nothing. They're so easy to manipulate, and I idiotically am so easy to believe them, I don't trust them anymore. Look at the ending, actions concluded it all. Look at the ending, it's the actions that hurt us. Words..they could easily mean something else aite? We say what we don't mean; we rarely do what we don't mean.

Trust, faith, believing.

Those words are something to us humans. They're in our everyday dictionary. Spoken, acted, meant. Yet it's still so hard to have them. I know, because I don't. Not anymore. I want to, but I just don't. If I could pick out the values I could have and feel...but I couldn't. Sadly, I couldn't.
Last time, I was so ready to admit I was strong. Inside and out, that's what I tried to potray. Was I? I don't know. Does not crying make you that? I cried once. Really cried. That's when I admitted crying was a real relief because I did feel relieved. 400 people were watching but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn. I just cried. It's not like I was gonna see any of them again anyway. The other one time when I did cry, was when my grandpa died. That was different. I practically choked trying to hold the tears back. My lung gasped for air, and I had to hold on to the table so I could support myself. So I could stand strong, for those who weren't. But that night, I cried to sleep. I felt weak. To succumb to my emotion, I felt weak.

From someone who didn't believe, I once did. Then I don't anymore. Just like that.

A For An Apple

I've been searching for the answer to this one question ever since I was in form 3. It's a question denied by complexity. A simple enough question, it could be counted as a stupid one yet until now, almost 3 years later, not even one person managed to give me the answer that I wanted. I've asked that question to a lot of people, believe me. Some gave me answers based on scientific facts. Some gave me religious answers. Some looked at me weirdly with perplexity in their eyes and said it's all in human nature. All of these answers made sense, they're all true. Despite that, I could feel something's missing. Time and time again I would shake my head with frustration demanding for another answer. Those weren't the answers I wanted, I felt it in my heart. Even so, I don't know the answer. I just know somehow they're not the right ones. If anyone, plainly anyone, could answer that question, then that's the time when another stage of my life will begin. Until that time arrives, I would stay where I am, searching for the answer even if it takes my whole lifetime.






Oh, by the way, the question? Let it remains just a question for the time being ^_^

Girl In The Storm

I fell down last night! I was looking up at the moon, not watching where I was going and the next thing I knew I was already down on the pavement! Scrapped my left knee. Bwahaha. Not sure how that happened though since it's not like the ground's uneven or I'd tripped over something or anything. Double bwahaha. Once a klutz will always be a klutz. It's proven!

I'm back to where I first started. Some things still remain but as time passed, I learned to cope. Life's okay so far. Haven't cried or felt homesick yet. Lol. I guess I feel numb. Just that sometimes, when I laugh, I feel afraid. I'm scared if I laughed, I would cry later. When that happens, I don't know whether I'll be able to stop. So I don't want to start :) Whatever I do, I couldn't help thinking that's only temporary; it wouldn't last. Happiness doesn't last, and so does grief. People say to enjoy your life as you live it, that's true. I couldn't do that much anymore. I'm more determined, more focus. I already know what I want out of my life, know how to make the best out of it. That's the best part. The not so good part is, now I'm ignoring everything. Whatever that doesn't have anything to do with me or my future, I tend not to care. I want to live my life without caring. I want to continue walking along the same path without regrets.

Question; Why are there a lot of mini buses in Labuan? They look really cute, no doubt, but why? Why don't they use normal-size buses which could carry a lot more passengers? Is it because Labuan's small, so they decided to use small buses? I did ask the bus driver but I don't think he got my meaning or he did but I couldn't understand what he was saying, lol. That question is killing me, seriously. It's a silly question but I really want to know!

Another bad part is......I don't know how to share food and drinks anymore! Meaning sharing the same spoon and fork or drinking from the same cup as others. Susah payah I learned to get used to that during NS! Gah. Sorry Seetah, hehe. I guess that time at McD was the last but at least I did know how to once right? :P

I wonder- if women, us, wanted to be treated equally as men, then why do we still act like women? I'm not talking about clothes and crap stuff like that. I'm referring to our attitude. We cry. We complaint a lot. We tend to make a big fuss out of nothing. We're fragile. We gossip, tittle-tattle and stuff yet we get mad when people say we're second to men. I'm not putting down my own sex- we do have our strong points which men don't have, yeah. What I mean is, well, if we're really equal to men, why act as if we don't have much brain most of the time?

Nodding Off

Suddenly, I feel not so good again. I'm becoming more paranoid now. %&*@#! It's like, you know, when the car stops at the traffic light, I would snap out of my thoughts and realised I've been holding my breathe all those time. I need air.

Please someone splashed my face with icy water.

How am I gonna live? How, I ask you. Don't answer that. It's a question not meant to be answered. You know, I figured things would be easier if I could just stop thinking about certain things. Like when I feel I'm fat and I'm too lazy to exercise and going on a strict diet is a no no to me, I would pay less attention to when and what I eat. It's easier that way... so why isn't this? Shouldn't it be the same? It should be but why isn't it??
When I hold a pen, I'd notice my hands are shaking and that I'm trying hard to hold the tears back. Sometimes I could just zone out without any reason. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I would feel frustrated out of the blue. That adds to the confusion even more. What the hell is going on?

Life indeed. I'm sick of that word yet I keep mentioning it. Why?
Changes. I know people change for the better but I hate it anyway. Why?
Why why why?
No matter how many thousand times I ask that question, I wouldn't be able to find the answer.
It's so hard to keep a positive view on things. Mopping around isn't an option either. If, if I could just die for a while and be alive once more after that. Wasn't that a stupid if? Who would want to die? I sounded like a psycho. Gah. Maybe I am, who knows. Beware then.

Nowadays, I don't feel like sleeping. Last week, I didn't want to wake up. The waking up part, I do understand but the sleeping part? Eh? Tired, sleep la. What for stay awake. Arghh. The more I'm awake, the more I need to think right?

When some people read this, they will probably say, "Sik alah-alah nya ya." or, " Just live your life and stop babbling. Everyone has problems.".

I'm ruined. That's all I can say. I'll sleep on this so-called problem. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.

3 leaves on the ground, more will come.

The word friends begins with an F. Friends forever? Sounds cheesy and lame. But that's it.
Friends forever. I don't mind being labelled cheesy once in a while.
Don't you dare.

3 months are almost over. 3 months have passed. In these three months, I've learnt a lot. Some people might raised their eyebrows to that, but I did. Maybe the things I did were mostly sleeping and hanging out with friends, but from those, I learned. Hurt and pain. Appreciation and respect. Opportunities and choices. I learned more than I did during form 5. I learned to know life itself. Most importantly, I learned about the importance of friends.

I never really thought about all that before. For me, friends come and go. People walk in and out of my life all the time. Some stayed long enough to mark their presence while some disappeared before they had the chance to do so. Those who did, will be remembered. Those who didn't will be forgotten. As simple as that. Now, I wonder. Wonder about my friends.

I'm gonna miss them. To me, missing isn't plain "Argh, when will we be able to see each other again? Keep in touch okay?". Missing parts of my life, because my friends created some of those. Missing them calling me at 10 am, disturbing my sleep and saying, "Hello? Hello? Tertido ka? Iboh kitak tido balit time kamek call. Tukuk palak kelak." Missing the late night calls and long conversations. Missing having someone blackmailing me to eat the sandwiches in exchange for choki choki. Missing their hugs and telling me everything would be okay. Missing them stealing my pillow hug and making a racket. I'll miss their presence, their words, saying they would always be there. I'll miss their smiles, the moments when we laughed and cried together.

Friendship that went way back to tadika and primary school and still going strong.

Friendship that will last in the years to come.

Patched friendship. Broken friendship.

There are things I couldn't help with. Because their faces are already so familiar, I sometimes tend to lash out my anger and frustration at them. Because they're always there, I forgot to appreciate them. Because smiles and laughters are around, I forgot they could cry as well. Because they're my dearest ones, I tend to test them the hardest.
Because of those, I'm sorry. Because of those, I never held a grudge. Because of those, I find it impossible to hate. Because of all the pros, I ignore the cons. And because of that, I will always be a friend, will always be there. Because you guys are my friends, and I love you guys so.

Ok, enough with the sentimental part. Let's get to the HARSH part.

For 4 days straight, my sleep had been disrupted by my friends. Ct, Jo (what the heck were you doing up at 6.15 am??), Edwin, Saza (do you have to missed call me up to 4 times?), Effa.
PEOPLE, tomorrow I'll only be available after 12.30 pm okay? I want to sleeeeeeppp. Yes, I'm a hippo, I know.

The LiFe

Never in my life (God, I sure have a lot of never huh? Guess I haven't lived much), have I mentioned the F word. I'm not lying. Never is the word. I never used it. When people said "wtf??", I said, "wth??". I guess it wouldn't be very polite and ladylike to use the word. I always thought there were a lot of other vocabularies I could use but today, I found out there were certain cases when I would have no choice but to use the word. Like this evening. Ahah. Sometimes, you just couldn't help it. *smiling sweetly*

Well, the ending of the day sucked. Not only did the game left me with wobbly arms and legs buttttttt............

There's no but. It just sucked, if you know what I mean. I'm sure some of my girlfriends do. Not gonna deny it was fun; it was fun during the first half of the game. Amoi and Saza are two people I wouldn't wanna mess with. Sure, I sweated like hell and sure, my legs were cramped for squatting for too long (hey, I didn't wanna get my pants dirty ok?) but it was fun. Something we would never forget for the rest of our lives. At least we got that one. A memory worth remembering.






WHO COULD FORGET??






The cursing + anger + disappointment + frustration + regrets made sure of that. So, it's not so bad aite? :D
I forgot one bit! Effa was EARLYYYY for the first time ever today. I'm so proud of her! If the paintball game wasn't a good memory, hell, this one definitely was. Memorable memorable memorable.

Hmm..I just realised that some people are too dumb to live. Arrogance, my friend, is worst than pride. Boasting is worst than talking shit. I'm not stating any opinion. Bad or good, I'm nobody to judge. I'm way too busy to wait for some people to grow up and start acting more like adults. Amazingly, when I thought of it, I felt nothing. Anger turned to shock. It made me ponder. I tried and tried to find any trace of hurt. As I was saying, it's shocking. Nope. No hurt. Only...ah, what's the word? Disgusted? Humph, not good enough. Revolted? Nahh. Meluat. Bingo! It must be in bm to get the umph :P Yea, that's it. Hatred?

*scanning my heart and mind*

Wasting my feeling only. What la. If some people think they're too good for the community, the world, the LIFE, then...what? Complain. Pfft. That's all they know. Embarrasing. Drop the high and mighty attitude la brader. You walked on the same streets as we did. You breathed the same air. So, um, how does that make you a higher being than us exactly? Feeling full of yourself wouldn't help. Being proud isn't gonna get you anywhere. To damnation maybe but if that's what you want, well...
You have your opinions and saying but does the world care? Nope. Sorry, but try shutting up next time. That might work you know. For once, accept the fact: YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW. Ouch. Reality hurts doesn't it?

Yea yea, you're unique. EVERYONE is. Suprise suprise.

OMG. This is my so-not-formal-and-foul-and-mean post ever. It feels good, haha. Not gonna give a damn about anything. I love it when I'm being tactless ^^

Bla bla bla

I just noticed that besides my previous post, my last 12 ones had been kindda...down.
*deep breathe*
Oh, well.
A phase of life :)

Anyway, I've found another negative (see?); I absolutely detest packing. I love unpacking though. I only have to drag the laundry basket to my room, dump everything in it and ask my maid to keep my suitcase to where it belong. But packing! It's totally totally hard work. There's so many stuff and so little space! I need a Doraemon pocket. If only I could flick my wand and everything would fly by themselves into the suitcase readily folded. Sadly, that only happens in the Harry Potter world :(

As messy as my room was before, it is now disastrous. It's like walking through a maze, I kid you not. Walked and trodded on something- oh, they're clothes I just bought but were too lazy to put away. Walked and kicked something- a bottle of shampoo. My bag of toiletries. Stationaries. You named it. It's pretty interesting though :D

My sister asked me when I was leaving. That was pretty weird since she normally couldn't be bothered by that kind of thing. Then she said, "Tidy the desk before you leave.". !!!! What's the point of having a desk if you don't use it I ask you?? Desks are too put stuff on. Besides, I only put important unavoidable things on it. Like my files. And the story books I've been planning to read or in the middle of reading. And CDs. And magazines. And papers way back from I-don't-know when. My point is, it's not that messy. Ok, I admit sometimes it's difficult to find what I want, BUT I found them alright. Like just now, I wanted to find my small envelope of passport-size pictures. Since it's small, it would be hard wouldn't it? But no, all I had to do was lifted a file and two handkerchief-size towels and there it was! So what's the big deal huh Miss-I'm-not-sleeping-I'm-only-lying-down-for-a-while? And... that's her last message to me?? I could die on the plane. I could die looking for edible food there. I could even die right now, while typing these words (Ok, I'm being dramatic but they're all possible aren't they?), and all she could care for was about the damn red triangle desk??? Talk about HEARTLESS.

Hmm, what else is there to complain about? *evil grin*

Oh. I bought another keychain for my handphone today. Not exactly your type of CNN news, but, just telling. There's no harm in buying another one. It might save my life or anything drastic like that one day. Who could tell that now? Besides, it's one of the must-haves item. If I didn't buy it, I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight (seriously, that happened before. I wanted this one thing badly and mum refused to buy it. I couldn't sleep and in the end dad got it for me). So that explains why I must get what I want. It totally affects my health.

I was watching the Martha Stewart show the other day and these were her tips to get healthy skin:
1. Put Johnson Johnson's unscented baby oil on your face and use cotton pads to remove your make-up (for those who are wearing them).
2. Cleansed your face.
3. Wet a towel with hot water and steamed your face.
4. Wash your face with cold water.

4 simple steps. Um, been spending a lot of time in front of the tv nowadays while pigging out :P Wait, they're only ice-cream and chocs. Do you know that ice-cream contains the lowest amount of fat among all junk food? Or that it's scientifically proven that those who take at least 1 gramme of chocolate per day live longer (It's supposed to be dark chocolate but who cares really?) ? So it doesn't count as pigging out. In fact, I'm eating healthily.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Life is random. I've known that all my life but only now do I feel it. I never imagined any of this happening to me. Ever. At all. Not even once - you guys get my point. I always thought that if I didn't manage to get UPU, I'd take A-levels. Over my dead body would I set foot at matriculation. Now, I'm going there. After countless of sleepless nights (I do love to exaggerate don't I?), I made my decision. I'm going there. I've discussed things over with my parents; I've asked for opinions from my friends.

Dad + Mum: It's your choice. Choose what's best for you. ( I hate it when they say that. That means I've to make my own decision and I couldn't blame them )
Effa: It's a blessing in disguise.
Effa + Fara: No need to buy any long-sleeved t-shirt with collar. You don't need those. ( I didn't buy any *grin*)
Ct: It's not so bad.
Lala: It's evil.
Rina: It's only for 8 months + 2 months of hols.
Jo + Saza: Go to Riam Tech with me!!!
Ctah: "Whyyyyyyy?"
My maid: Just stay in Miri. (ha! You only said that because no one's gonna back you up next time!)

Last night, I thought I was insane. Even Dad got mad at me and forbided me to go there. To the extent that I asked my mum to book the flights so I couldn't turn back. Even so, my parents had a hard time looking for available flights and a hotel to stay in since it was a last minute decision. I regretted that. Ah, as usual. I could never leave the last minute thing behind, hehe. Today, I thought it's the sanest thing to do. I don't know, suddenly I feel so positive. Let's see how long that'll last. It's only for one year anyway. Um, but, you know, no matter how positive I try to be, there's still one thing I'm worried about; THEY DON'T HAVE ANY WASHING MACHINE THERE. Nada. Even though I've exprienced that during NS, that was only for 2 months! Not one year!!! Besides, I have to study don't I? I don't have the time to be scrubbing in the toilet. It's not like I know how to use a washing machine anyway. What I need, to tell you the truth, is someone to do my laundry. Like at home :P So much for being independent.

I wouldn't lie, I couldn't face staying in Miri for another year. I couldn't face going to Russia or Japan either. The only place I could face, was UIA. If I could pay my way there, I'd definitely do that. Government forgot that one. For once, I'm thankful I'm stubborn and ego because in the last couple of days, I felt like giving up my dream. If I said I wanted to take medicine, then medicine it would be. No one can make me change my mind!!!!! No one ever tried to anyway. If I were to have only one life, then let medicine be that life. So, yeah. That's it.

Trunk

My temper nowadays's near the surface. Just waiting to erupt. I've made my decision. Yet I keep going back to it. Everything seems so distant. Everything seems so ugly.
Why? Up to now, why? What else can I do to prove myself? What do they want?
Those words. I heard them. I tried shutting them out, but I heard them. I don't trust myself to speak anymore. I don't dare asking questions. I'm scared. For once, I feel so scared.

Waves

Could life get worse?
Yea.
So be thankful.
Okay.

Why do I always have to be the one who lets my parents down?
What the heck is wrong with me??!
Apparently, a lot =)
For once. For once. For once.
"For once listen to us."
For once.
Have I not listened in these 17 years?
Not even once?
Not even once.

I'm not using their money. They can stashed it in a cupboard somewhere. It's not something I can live with.

Am I destroying my own future? It looks bleak.

Call me stupid.
Because I am.
I don't want it.
I'm through being a burden.
I'm through being dependent.
I have my own capabilities. They will lead me somewhere.
Even if that somewhere isn't what I want. But it's what I'd worked for. If nothing works, I can quit studying. Get a job as a cashier somewhere and get married within 5 years.
For once, I've a back-up plan. Haha.

I try not to show it.
It's so cold.

I'm heartless.
I don't have any expression.
I don't feel anything.

But I'm a human. I'm just a bloody human.
Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I break down.
Save me. Please.

Whoops to bes

Have you ever felt like you didn't want to be awaken from your sleep? I'm sure everyone knows that feeling. Either you were too tired or you had a really nice dream. Or you didn't want to face the day ahead. There are 1001 reasons. People say sleeping is a cure. Have a bad headache? Sleep and you'll feel better when you wake up. Flu, stress...whatever it is, sleeping is the answer. Mentally and physically. So why doesn't it work for problems then?

You go to bed hoping your dream would wash them away. To let the peace and calmness work their magic. Ohh, it works alright- for the first few minutes after you've opened your eyes that is. Then like a splash of cold water, everything comes rushing back. The undone assignments, the exploded toaster, the fight with your parents. At that moment, you have 2 choices; to cover yourself back with your duvet and let the drowsiness takes you or put on those fluffy slippers and head on to the bathroom, preparing yourself for whatever's coming. Most people choose the latter. I choose the former. Hey, I don't have any reason to wake up now do I? I could spend all day long sleeping if I feel like doing so. What a life *roll eyes*

Excuses. Man-made excuses. We're good at making them. We're not good at accepting them. We have an excuse ready to match each happening. It doesn't take a genius to think of one in a matter of 3 seconds. It's just a matter of sounding convincing. We love creating excuses so much that we end up doing that for others as well. Don't believe me? Here:
She told you she couldn't come : I'm sure something really really important came up.
Then pooh, you found out she just preferred going somewhere else with someone else. Walah, we have an excuse for that one too: It's my fault for not asking. I should have asked.
And so it continues. Yada yada yada.

Don't get the wrong idea. That's just an example. Nobody stood me up. So far. But well, we all do that don't we? Especially for those we care for. Why though? Insecurity? Not wanting to be hurt? PATHETIC? Oh yeah. I like that last one. That's what we human should start learning to accept about ourselves. We are pathetic beings. Just that sometimes we're too engrossed in what we're doing, we don't realise that. I guess, we just don't want to give up hoping. We make excuses and make ourselves believe them. We feel better. There's no room for hurting, no room for accepting the truth. Just lies we forced ourselves to believe. Doesn't that make us pathetic? Suprisingly, the answer's no. No, that doesn't make us pathetic. There. Written in a perfect full sentence. Maybe it's just our way of dealing with things. Instead of spending the day moping around, maybe it's better to build up false hopes. That way, we won't have ideas about people. That way, we won't get hurt. Happiness based on lies? Why not? ^^

Once upon a time

" Mum, Dad, could I be 7 once again?"

^^

A child. I want to be a child once again. To go back to that age, I want that.

I want to be able to say and do things without being judged.

I want to feel genuinely happy without any pain.

I want to be able to cry without feeling ashamed.

The comfort and safety of childhood. Nothing can beat that.

Frilly dresses with matching shoes and lacy socks. Ugh.

Meals and times spend together.

Tantrums.

Oh yea.

Dear Hani,

Happy 7th birthday!

Her card! Shoot. I knew I'd forgotten something.

Done. Written, filled, drawn. Bleh.

Sorry love. Your cake pictures didn't make my blog because it had PPG cartoon all over it =P Maybe next year k?

I know. I'm such a nice sister. Lol.

Through the tears

For the first time, she cried. I didn't know for what reason. Nobody knew. I stared for quite some time. Just watching and waiting. She smiled at me. I smiled back. Then she sat and did her usual stuff. I thought she was fine. We all thought so. Not when I saw the tears welling in her eyes. Not until I saw her secretly wiped those tears away. Biting her lips, she was still smiling. Smiling and crying silently at the same time. I wondered how she could still see. I wondered what's going on through her mind. I will never know. I did what I was best at. I kept my silence. I wondered what could make her cried. Of all the years I've known her, she was a strong person. Stronger than me even. Yet now, she's alone in her silence. In a way I'd never imagined. I didn't dare asking. I couldn't. Couldn't even imagine what might have hurt her. I had my suspicions, but that's it.
I wanted to ask whether she's fine. I wanted to make sure she's okay. Even then, something about her attitude told me otherwise. That if I asked her those questions, I would get the answers I'd expected. The way she's acting...it's like she wanted everyone to think things were as normal as ever. She didn't want any question asked. She didn't want anyone to know. She's still her, just not quite. For once, I could see she's tired. I could see the lines on her face, aged by years in a short period of time. Her cheeks weren't flushed, her eyes weren't bright. I wanted to shake her back to her sense. I wanted her to snap out of her problems and faced reality. The world she's living in. Did she even notice that?
Then one day, I saw her cried. Really cried. Something I'd never witnessed before. She was alone in her room, hugging a pillow. Using it to muffle any noise she's making. I really thought of entering the room to comfort her before I changed my mind; she wouldn't want anyone to realise that. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Giving in to the grief she unsuccessfully tried to hide. In the end, it came to this.

With laughter. With Smiles. Always.

When a person dies, a door shuts but with one closed door, opens up a lot more for others. We realised that life is temporary. We learn to treasure what we have. We analyse things with more care. For once, we are finally able to hear and see.

In every of my down, I found ups. When I gained something, I lose the other. In one mistake, I learned lessons worth for life. I couldn't have everything in life, that I realised. I couldn't help making errors and mistakes along the way and that's okay, because that's how life was destined to be but sometimes, just sometimes, I couldn't help asking myself whether I could undone what's done because a mistake isn't a mistake unless it can't be repaired. That's what I thought yesterday. That was the question that kept whirling in my head but today, something else hit me; do I want it to be repaired? Is it worth it, to lower my pride, to shake off all the doubts and just act...hoping for the best? When I know somewhere in my heart it's pointless.

Yes, I want it to be repaired but I don't want to end up repairing it alone. It is worth it for the sake of the past but what's past can't be the future. Even after all that, I find myself not wanting to do it. In the end, I'm the one who remembers. In the end, I'm the one who cares and in the end, I'm the one who'll get hurt again. Those are not what I want. Like a VASE, it's fragile. When it breaks, it can be mended. A mended vase however is full of cracks. It doesn't have the smooth surface it once had. I don't want a mended vase.

What's written can be unwritten. What's painted can be erased. It just shows that nothing's permanent. People changed. The world changed. Thus our views on things aren't the same anymore. Everything's different. That's the way the world goes. That's the way life works.
I am not a quitter. I don't do jobs halfway. But I do know when to quit. I do sense it when all my hard work is going to be wasted. Quitting doesn't mean you're giving up. Quitting is knowing when to stop and I guess, I'm quitting =) I can't cling to the past forever. I can't spend my days asking, worrying and wondering. I've done what I could. I've spend huge chunks of my days just trying to figure everything out. Everything links. When I'm cold, I would find ways to warm myself. When I cry, I would find ways to smile. There's no reason why I couldn't do the same now. I got myself into this mess in the first place. That's my fault and I'm the one to blame. I'll get myself out of it as well.

Whatever happens, I try not to judge people. When it comes to human, it's too subjective. We can be nice when we want. Yet the next time we'll be shouting and banging on tables. We act differently towards different people. Maybe that's why it's hard to fathom out someone because you'll never know. If this is what it seems, then let it be. In the end when we look back, we're the one who made the choices. They don't have to be the right ones. There's no question about that here. It's the fact that you got yourself in control. It's the fact that you managed to mend things however the turnout turns to be. How you mend it is up to you.

At last, I'm able to smile. Not an evil smile. Not a fake smile. Not a sarcastic smile. But a sincere smile that comes from my heart.

Just A Smile

A heart-shape balloon caught in the stream of sunlight. It sat there on the tiles by itself, all alone. Glowed in the darkness. It was so beautiful I couldn't resist snapping a picture xD

And while I stood there, just watching, I realised no matter how nasty I found life was- if I could make an effort to pause for a while and observed, I might notice these things. Little, bits of things that I would normally walk by without a second glance. Amazing things that could score a person's day =)

I was about to write a post on how stupid I've been lately. How everything sucked. How my life was like waves in the sea, when this question strucked me;

Since when am I such a quitter?

What happened to the person who's heavenly =P stubborn?

What happened to the girl who would never give up until she got what she wanted?

What happened to the hard-headed ass who was willing to argue long into the night just to get her points across?

And...I realised I didn't know. What happened to me? So I've been feeling tired nowadays. So life has been a rollercoaster. So things are pretty low at the moment. So what?

I need to knock some sense into myself.

Why do people say things they don't mean?

Why do people make others believe things are permanent when they intend it to be temporary?

Haha. The WH questions. I might as well cover them all, lol. Who, when, how. Sheesh.

Imperfect Happiness

Life's never perfect.
There'll always be ups and downs.
Those're what created life.
Expect the most wonderful things
To happen, not in the future
But right now.
Realise that nothing is too good.
When needed, leave the unhappiness behind.
Pick up your courage,
and move on...
To a brighter side.
There'll always be a bright side,
Among that lot of darkness.
Believe me.

=)

Love, from Nisa.

I've finally come to my SENSES.

To Effa, thanks for the lecture. Miss Blog? Erks, watergirl. Lol.
To Terence, thanks for the words of encouragement.
To Lala and Fara, thanks for analysing.
To Ct and Jo, thanks for your guys' concern.
To those who did so, thanks for doing those.
People so know when to make me lose my appetite. Since I'm already chubby =)

Because if it weren't for you guys,

I won't be eating right now xD

Yesterday's breakfast + lunch + tea + dinner all compressed into an instant paratha (which I made myself proudly because my maid's asleep, hehe).

I've experienced my share of pain. Hurt. Whatever you want to call it. Those shits :P But, you know? At least it came with an ending. Not a proper one. But an ending nevertheless.

Ugly memories turned beautiful.
Hurtful words are appreciated.
Attitudes are forgiven.
I learned to forgive.

Yes, I walk slowly now. Step by step. Path by path. One foot at a time. Because I'm afraid of falling and tripping. Again. But like someone told me before, if you fall, you get up. Bruised and scarred from the past, but nonetheless, ready to brave your life once again. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get up. I'm trying to learn to take risks. I'm trying to learn not to be afraid.
I'm learning the early lessons of life. Look right ahead. Glance to my left and right. To the trees. To my clouds. To Mr. Sun. Kicking the twigs along the way. And not another glance spare to the past.

I just want to be myself again =)

Crackos

Yesterday was fun fun fun. And erks, weird. Just a bit of that though.

Anyway....

Went to Lala's house at 10.00 am. Arrived there at 10.11 am actually. That's because I knew the others would be late AS USUAL. Guess what? I was the first one there! I so know my friends, haha. Then me and Lala went to Boulevard to buy some stuff for our Laksa Sarawak. No fresh coconut milk. But she bought the instant one just in case. Went to another shop. No fresh coconut milk. It's as if Miri had run out of it. Bluekkk. So we went back to her house. And get this, still no sign of Effa and Fara. Hmm hmm hmm. We decided to start preparing the dish without them. Nearing 12 pm, the princessess arrived, lol. Trust Effa to ask me to come at 10 am. But even after 1 and a half hour, lunch still wasn't ready. So we did this, did that. Laughed, made dumb jokes, teased Effa (oh yeah) and of course, prepared lunch. At last at 1.30 PM, lunch was ready. And that's with the four of us in the kitchen...

We ate ate ate while complaining how hot the paste was. I drank 2 glasses of water and still my laksa wouldn't finish. Effa's nose got red. Everyone was sniffing and had to get tissue. Except for Lala. She didn't even touch her drink. So not fair! Then we had desert. This milk + jelly pudding which Effa didn't like- the dairy hater- but which me and Fara adored. FYI, we made the desert as well. Um, you know, there was some spilling and stuff..ok,that's me. Lala did fine. Hoho. After lunch, to which Effa and Fara claimed they had 1 and a half bowl of laksa, not TWO, we just sort of sat there, stuffed and bloated like pythons, listening to Lala's mum about her trip to Crocodile Farm that morning, which according to her was a nightmare. The snakes. Lol. Then Lala's sister asked us whether we wanted to join them to PC Fair. We agreed. We went by Effa's car, but with Lala as the driver. Welcome to the amateur world. The first 2 minutes was bumpy and we ended up laughing in the car. Going to Fara's house first since she wanted to change, "I never wore a skirt in public before!" :P And of course, we passed by my house and I went, "Oooh, my house!". Because I was really missing it having stayed at Gran's place for 4 days. Then Fara had to make this suggestion which made Lala parked in front of another person's house so we could think about it. This suggestion of hers? "Nisa, why don't you use your house's toilet while they drop me at my house. After I've changed, we'll pick you up," I was, GET OUT. I could hold it. I wouldn't die because of that. SHEESH. But Fara was totally adamant about it. Being a doctor's daughter, she went into a full lecture about how it's not good bla bla bla. The others totally agreed and Lala reversed and send me home so I could pee. See how funny that sounded girlfriends? Because I refused to use the toilet at Lala's house since they're no slippers to use in the toilet and Fara wasn't sure whether her house's got them. Slippers I mean. Lol. After that, they picked me up and we went to Indoor Stadium where the event was held. It was packed! Totally packed! We couldn't walk a few steps without bumping into someone we knew. I think we greeted people more than we browsed around.

Scoop of the day:

We met the MIAA (according to Effa. Where did you get that girl?) guy way back from primary school. He's the MIAA guy because he's ultimately missing in action. Like no one knew anything about him. At all. After a while we greeted him (because nobody dared to) and had an awkward conversation. I blame you Lala =)

Fara was waiting for her batteries- that's the real reason she wanted to go there in the first place. Because she wanted to pick up her batteries since she bought the digi camera the day before- and the salesman said they're on their way. After that we just sort of milled around. Lala went back with her family but we stayed. The batteries. Then we saw a couple of chairs at the side and we decided to sit because there's just so many people. We sat. We talked. And talked. And talked. Then Effa said, "Why are we talking about these stuff in public?? We should find a cafe or something,". So we picked up Fara's batteries and went to Desserts and ordered and talked a lot more.

" Ey, I'm gonna take your guys' picture. Candid," Right, candid. But she told us. We were talking anyway so we ignored her. So yea, so-called candid.

Greedy Effa. That's the whole point of taking that picture. It was intended to be that way, lol. Still, love her anyway.

After that we send Fara home because it's almost 6 pm already. Then we went to my gran's house. Where I packed my stuff. Where Effa took pictures of my pillow hug. She is so dead. Even though I totally owe her one. Then she send me home. Another day had ended =)

Breathing

I think I might survived through this. Despite the lack of sleep. Despite the lose of appetite. Despite the extra-tripping. I might just.
I am a sponge. And a sponge, does what it does best. It soaks all the pain. Heavier. But it still bounces. Here and there. Elastic. But it never breaks.
I am not a human. Human is fragile. Human breaks down. Human cuddles on it's bed and cries itself to sleep. Human builds up hopes just to have them crushed. Human plans for something that will never come true. Human hurts.
But if Human dies, people lament over it.
If Sponge's wearing thin, people tossed it into the bin.
And buy a new one.

표준의, 모범적인

Quiet and still. Just the way I like it xD

Don't feel like sleeping yet. So here I am. Typing away. If I could find something to type. I don't know, haha. Still chatting though. With my + sot sot + friend who's still awake. Everyone else's already sleeping cozily on their bed. Maybe. Who knows. Who cares.

Anyways, the plan to go to school today was cancelled. Since Ct's going to Bintulu and Asy may go to Kuching the next day. So without them both, there'll only be the 3 of us. I would say we're not brave enough to face the teachers. I know I'm not. I still don't dare to face Mdm. Chai up to this day because of my 2A. Yep. I promised her an 1A. So..yeah. You get the picture ^^ There's still next week though. Kolej won't go anywhere. It's been there for 50 years! God knows it wouldn't move. Haha. That is if there won't be another landslide. Or if the buildings won't crumbled before they could rebuild them. Lol. But still, I love that place.

I was planning to watch 1 Litre of Tears again tonight. Wanted to finish episode 9 to 11. But then I decided I didn't need to bawl my eyes out late at night. Or early in the morning. I so have to thanks Terey for introducing it to me, hehe. I mean, it's the only series I could stand watching. Without forwarding. Or skipping scenes. I don't think I've ever mentioned that to him :P

Well, I was never good at complimenting and apologising. Or accepting those. The other day, I made muffins. And yesh, they looked and tasted like muffins - especially for those who doubt my baking skills. Not that I've many. And yes Terey. Your name is on top of the list - So Dad ate one of them and I happened to poke my head out of my bedroom at that time. Okay, that was a lie. Forgive me. I did that on purpose since I wanted to know what he thought of my muffins. When he saw me, he said, " Your cake tasted nice." Then I looked at him pointedly and replied, " Dad. They're muffins." He looked confused, " What? ". So I repeated, " They're muffins.". Then he said, " Oh, your muffin was great. You should make them again,". I just stared at him, withdrew my head and shut the door. Unbelievable! Lol.

WHY ARE THE CLOCK'S HANDS MOVING SO SLOWLY? The last time I checked, it was 2.40 am. Now it's only 3.06 am. 26 minutes! That's how long I've spend on babbling! Well, not exactly the clock. It's a digital one. And it doesn't have any hand right? Just wanted to sound dramatic. Hehe. For some reason, I've a problem at reading the clock. I mean, I know how to but I'm impossibly slow at reading them. When people asked me what time it was, I just shoved my watch under their noses. Wouldn't want them to get the time wrong would we? Haha. I bought the analogue one because, you know, the digital one would look childish. And I was in no mood to be labelled that. What the heck, my friends still knew I was bad at reading it. Now the watch belongs in it's original place- in it's case. School's over. No point in wearing it. I hate wearing it anyway. Dusty and all, tata.

I was thinking, you know, to do something stupid tonight. I'm always doing that nowadays. Played in the rain in the afternoon. There was nothing else to do anyway. Just thinking of going outside now. Wandering around in the dark. Or just sit in the middle of the road or something. Not like there'll be any car at this time. But, urm, I'm scared. Haha! I don't have enough courage to do that. Maybe someday I'll wake Ct up and ask her to join me in the middle of the night. Besides, two is better than one right?

WHEN WILL IT BE 4 AM??