dumplings. And pau.

Blogger in memory

2008-08-28T01:09:00.001+08:00

I've always wanted to say this:

I HAVE MOVED

Hehe.

You can find me at:

www.nisasabri.wordpress.com

Feel free to visit and please do not feel lazy to change the link on your blogs =D

This blog will be deleted one month from now. Or less, I think.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Men are from Mars, I'm NOT from Venus

2008-08-27T02:33:00.001+08:00

It took me 2 days to finish this:

It was 606 pages thick.

Currently, I'm reading this:

Today is the 5th day and I'm still halfway through reading it. And oh, it's only 286 pages.

Go figure.

Anyways, this book; Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, never succeeded in enticing me despite seeing it sitting on the bookshelf in every book store for the past years. I'm not BIG on self-help books. In fact, this is my first (and my last, no doubt). You see, to me, this kind of books are full of ~~shit~~. No offense but I should be able to figure out what a guy with a balding head can, can't I?

I only bought it because of Fakrul's recommendation. When he mentioned about the BIOLOGICAL part of men and women, it got me interested. But guess what? I'm already on page 164 and there's still no scientific stuff mentioned so far. Maybe it's on page 280 do you think?

After 5 days of forcing myself to read it and failing miserably to digest its content, I gave it to my mum.

So it's not a waste of RM 36.90 after all. She's in a relationship with my dad! Isn't that what the book is all about? A PRACTICAL GUIDE FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION AND GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

Hey, I'm not saying this book is totally bogus. In fact, when I read it, I found most of the information correct and helpful. Should I be able to finish it, I would understand the opposite sex perfectly. Only that I don't need to, and I don't want to. Thus, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, is so not my type.

Consider I'm too shallow ; )

You're 18!

2008-08-20T02:25:00.001+08:00

When I was done with Foundation, the hardest thing to do was to leave MSU. Not because I loved my college (are you kidding me?), but because I found it hard to leave my housemates and most importantly, my brother.

He entered MSU in June 2008, doing FMS, the same course as I did. If I had the authority, I'd have send him to Riam Tech, near to home. But then, he would never learn living on his own would he? So when he went there, my parents were worried as to whether he could cope. Not in his studies, but whether he could be independent. Thus, they visited us monthly. Naturally, as his sister, it was my responsibility to look out for him. I didn't fuss because like my parents, I too was worried. I felt that he was growing up too fast.

I made sure we had dinner together at least once a week so we could catch up on each other's live. He would nag at me for not finishing my food and drink and helped me with them. Thank you! You're my "vacuum cleaner" forever!

Sometimes I helped him with his laundry (I hateee this), groceries and bought lunch or dinner for him. I checked on whether he'd eaten everyday. I bought stuff for him whenever I went out. Stuff that sisters do la. Of course, there were times when I got impatient at him. Sisters also do that. They get impatient. Hehe.

Coz among my siblings, I was always overprotective of him the most. If you guys think I was spoilt before entering NS, you should have met my brother =| He's the most dasyat one.

Anyways, since today's his birthday (I'm exactly a year older than him =) ) and I couldn't be there, I've arranged a little something for him beforehand.

A suprise for the birthday boy =) They said he cried. Dunno true or not.

To my ex-housemates, thank you for helping. I appreciate it a lot!

To my brother, Happy 18th Birthday! Now you can withdraw RM 201.00 from the ATM! Study hard and be a doctor aite? I'll be waiting =D

Rubik's Cube

2008-08-19T16:13:00.001+08:00

I like KokoCrunch.

I hate veggies.

I'm scared of jaws.

I am made up of all these characters and more, and that's myself alone.

It's a colourful world.

A mixture of people with a variety of attitude.

A majority of them, I feel blessed to have as friends. A minority of them, disgust me.

Sometimes, I feel like knocking them on the head and kicking them down the hill just so they could get some sense into themselves. Sometimes, I feel like screaming at them for purposely taking the wrong turns over and over again.

That is me. And I'm not ashamed of myself for judging people.

Because those I judged, I cannot accept them as a person.

Those who find excuses and twist their faith for their needs.

Those who say but do not do.

Those who leave everything in the hands of God.

I've said it, and I'll say it again.

These people are not welcome in my life.

Feel free to leave.

19 on the 19th

2008-08-19T03:04:00.001+08:00

The whole world says it's the 19th of August.

I say it's my birthday =)

It was the date I was born and today, I turn 19 years old.

Shit, I feel old.

I say that every year and will continue saying it until the day I die.

So anyways, present present. Dilemma dilemma.

What should I ask for this year?

When I was small, my parents used to bring me to Toy's World, handed me a basket and asked me to fill it with anything. It was a kid's dream come true! I remember rushing here and there picking what I wanted. That time was fun.

So I told my parents, instead of the usual money, this year I wanted a present. But I'm 19, not 9. I don't desire soft toys anymore. Nor am I eyeing that pink tea set complete with a trolley.

So this afternoon...

"Nisa, get ready,"

"What for?"

"We're gonna go buy your present,"

"Ha? Dun want. I still dunno what I want."

"Then when are u gonna buy it?"

"Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. When I've figured out what I want."

To be frank, I've been eyeing the iPhone. But then, buying a new phone is so cliche. Not to mention it's teenager-ish. And I know I'll just change my phone again when there's a new model out next year anyways. So I went with this one.

Behold, my new darling =)

Sony Cyber-shot T Series - DSC-T2/G in apple green (the fact that I didn't choose the pink one proved that I don't really like pink ok?)

4GB Internal Memory
Photo Album & Scrapbook
Smile Shutter
Face Detection Technology
8.1 Mega Pixels with Super HAD CCD
2.7" Touch Screen LCD
Carl Zeiss® Vario-Tessar Lens with 3x Optical Zoom
BIONZ Image Processing Engine
Super SteadyShot
HD Slide Show with Select Music Playback
1 cm Macro Mode
High Definition Output (for still image)

Thank you Mum and Dad!

Already this year's birthday seems a lot more special =)

Oh yes, I'm a materialistic girl.

Now you know aite?

Haha.

The sweetest thing

2008-08-18T16:15:00.001+08:00

About a week ago, I received a PosLaju letter.

It was from MSU!

Could it be my result??

Could it be my offer letter??

After battling excitedly with the tight wrapping of the envelope (siot PosLaju)...

An invitation to the graduation ceremony.

Ceh.

FYI, due to, ehem, some "unforeseen circumstances", the venue was changed from PWTC to Theater Hall. That's from an 8 to a 2 on the scale of 10! Unforeseen circumstances my ass.

Today, I received another PosLaju. Just that this time, it's a parcel.

Instantly, I knew it was from my MSU friends. I'm telepathic ; ) hehe.

It was send from the PosLaju branch at Sunway Pyramid. Who else do I know are avid goers to SP? (Coz it's the nearest mall to our campus)
Who else are avid users of PosLaju? We like things done quickly and fast even if it means paying more =)

Since I couldn't come to the graduation ceremony, they decided to bring the graduation ceremony to me. Or as they said it, the graduation teddy. Thank you!

A while later, I heard the sound of now-too-familiar honking.

"Pet pet!" (sounded funny rite, but trust me, that's exactly how it sounded)

Another PosLaju motorcycle. Another envelope.

Obviously, it's a card.

It was the perfect card ever. Because in our gang,

Seena = Monkey (she could never stay still and always like to move around)

Mimi = Panda (I'm sorry for always asscociating you with round animals but pandas are cute!!)

Vi = Flamingo (why she wanted to be a flamingo, I also dunno)

Seha = Tortoise (she's always late)

Thanks a million guys!! I'm really touched. Thank you thank you thank you =)

I miss you guys lots and yes, HAPPY GRADUATION!

Goodbye

2008-08-18T03:17:00.001+08:00

Past would always remain as past.

Memories were overrated.

Those who treasured them? Get a life.

That was 2 years ago. Back when I was still in Form 5. Between those years, I think I've changed a lot. Between NS, matriculation and MSU, I know I've changed a lot. And I began to treasure both.

My past and memories.

No matter how hard I tried getting rid of everything, I still couldn't leave them behind. No matter how hard and far I ran, I could still feel them catching up on me. Each time, I asked myself where have I gone wrong. And each time, I failed to find the reason.

I felt suffocated. I felt trapped in my self-made game.

Where did I go wrong?

I didn't know. And I still don't know. Should I figure it out? Or should I let time dealt with it for me? What?

I tried going south, north, east and west all at once.

There were too many unaswered questions.

But then, trying to solve the puzzle gave a bigger impact on my life. I found myself.

Now, it's not that I couldn't care less. I know that I've done my best and if that best wasn't good enough, I know it's not me to blame. Most importantly, I feel relief because if anything, I know I won't regret it in the future. I know I've done the right thing.

I've a future to look forward to. Out there is a more frightful and exciting journey. I'll be running again. Not running away though. This time, I'm chasing my dream =)

Waaaa, offer letter. Datang la cepatttt. I can't wait to see you!!

To my past, goodbye. It was fun once and it was not regretable. But the past will always be the past and I need to move on. Even so, the memories live on.

As I always say it,

"Always regret the things you did, never the things you didn't."

There's a first for everything

2008-08-14T21:18:00.003+08:00

My first tiket saman.

An RM 5 dicsount if you paid in the first 14 days.

A further 20% discount since it's still Megasale.

Bleh.

There should be! It is the sale season kan.

At least it's only RM 15.

How should I know I've to display the parking coupon~

Of course, readers are strictly prohibited from telling my parents =)

I didn't fold it until it keronyok2 and hid it inside my handbag for no reason.

Cheers.

Gardening, Not.

2008-08-13T23:17:00.001+08:00

Does scooping some soil into a pot, pushing a seed deep into it and water it once a day count as gardening?

Probably.

A 2-minute worth of gardening.

Anyways, last weekend, me and my youngest sister decided to do some gardening *cough cough*

One pot and one seed each and a sprinkle of magic water.

Now a couple of days later............

It grew.

What is that anyway? Looks like bean sprout to me.

Zoom a little closer......

Humph *smug smile*

Unfortunately...........................no it hasn't wilted. Yet.

Unfortunately, the bean sprout-like plant with words and little hearts etched to its cotyledon, isn't mine.

That's my sister's.

This is mine.

Either it's barren (not exactly a gardening term), or it's a late developer.

I think it's a late developer.

I don't get me

2008-08-13T02:56:00.003+08:00

Hi.

It's me.

This time, starting my post with a sigh.

Haih.

Graduation is next Monday, 18th August 2008. That's what my mentor informed me a couple of hours ago. Great.

To West Malaysians, a week is a long time, yes. It only takes 5 hours from Johor-KL or 3 hours from Pahang-KL by bus.

To us Sabahans and SARAWAKIANS, it only takes 2 hours and 10 minutes from Miri-KL by plane. Lagi la sekejap rite?

"Awak dari mane?"

"Miri, Sarawak."

"Uiii, jauh nye,"

"Mane ade, dari Miri ke Kl amek mase 2 jam lbh je. Lagi dekat dari Johor."

But there's the ticket-booking. And the fact that both of my parents won't be able to take time off work.

My first graduation, and I won't be able to attend.

Haihhhhhhhh.

Like I care about that x)

An event where it requires me to wear baju kurung and mind my manners with the possibility of me tripping on stage does not appeal to me whatsoever. Yes, even if it's graduation.

I just want to meet my friends. Didn't think I would miss them (Sorry, I'm a bit cold-blooded). And my PLKN friends as well.....

Wah, getting a bit emotional + sentimental tonight.

Time for me to stop don't you think? =)

August?

2008-08-11T17:07:00.004+08:00

11th August 2008, that sounds about right.

Trust me when I say this year has been the fastest year I've ever felt. Last month it was only January, last week was March and only 2 days ago it was June.

Today it's already August.

I'm finally done with Foundation. Ok la, been done with it practically a week ago but only now I've the mood to blog so don't complain. So, where was I?

Ah yes, foundation. A year which felt like a year but one which I barely had time to register in my life and before I knew it, it had ended.

~~8 am mornings~~

~~Icy-cold shower~~

~~Annoying classmates that I'd to face everyday~~

~~Washing, drying, folding my clothes - ohh, hateness number 1~~

With that, so have these.

HOORAY!

To those who had completed their pre-U (A-levels, matric etc..) months ago and are already doing their degree, please keep your silence and let me enjoy my moment.

OoOmMmM....................................................oOoMmmM......................................................OoOooMMmm.................................................

Ok, enjoy time is over.

Now I'm bored.

Banana Pies In Making

2008-07-31T02:01:00.002+08:00

WHAT?

Picnic

WHERE?

Bagan Lalang- which took a freaking one and a half hour of journey and the beach wasn't even that nice. I tell you, in Miri you only need 15 minutes to reach the beach. But then, that's wonderful Miri, not stinking Selangor.

WHO?

The whole mentoring group.

WHEN?

Saturday, 26th July 2008, 7.30 frigging am till 3.30 frigging pm.

POTLUCK FOOD?

Banana pies. Smell like goreng pisang, tasted like cekodok.

Banana pies in making:

Went to Giant. Bought bananas.

I said candid

Seena rolling the dough away

Dumpling-like banana pies (it was the easiest shape)

Frying. Very dangerous.

Tadaaaaa!

Because of the picnic, I:

1) Missed a day -of shopping- with my parents and brothers.

am tanned. We were picnic-ing in the open while everyone else chose a spot under the tree and I did bring my sunblock but I didn't wear it because the sun wasn't anywhere in sight I tell you! Forgot that you couldn't actually see UV.

So from now on, total sunblock and foldable umbrella!

Mimi's sister's wedding

2008-07-21T23:23:00.001+08:00

5 hours. 5.5 hours. 4.3 hours. That's the amount of sleep I'd gotten on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. 4 days of not touching Genetics: BLISS.

Events:

~~Entrance exam~~
~~Interview~~
~~Mimi's sister's wedding~~
~~MSU super duper dumb explorace~~

I've talked about the entrance exam and I've grumbled about the interview and I still haven't gotten the super duper dumb explorace's pictures from Syafiq yet. That leaves me with Mimi's sister's wedding (which I always mispronounced as Mimi's wedding - it's a sign Mimi!).

That night was a blast. The best wedding I've ever attended and yes, you guys should know by now that I'm not a big fan of weddings.

The starting of the night was pretty easy to describe: We were freaking LATE. We arrived around 8.30 pm which was the time the wedding started. So it's no suprise really that WE CAME AT THE SAME TIME AS THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

Syafiq and his friends were late as well because they waited for us, BWAHAHAHA.

It was completely embarassing walking into the hall and being showed to our table (which was practically at the other end) while everyone was staring. Totally TOP 10 EMBARASSING MOMENTS material.

Mimi's speech brought us to tears. Not literally crying but having tears prickling in our eyes. It was the first time we ever saw her cried and in front of everyone else too.

That's the only sad part I guess. Oh yes, Seena and I made a bet. We bet 100 bucks (not RM) that I would get married first. HAH. As if that would happen. I asked her to include the money in her wedding invitation card 7 years from now.

Anyways, what's a wedding without pictures right? Our pictures I mean =P

A couple of pictures are still with Mimi, including the one with the bride and groom, so yeah, couldn't post them here yet.

We left around 1 am, got lost finding our way back to campus and went to bed before having to wake up at 6 am the following day for MSU super duper dumb explorace.

P.S: My parents are coming again this weekend. YAY!

A billion sighs

2008-07-18T23:50:00.004+08:00

Very tired. Very stressed up. Very annoyed.

Because of the dumb entrance exam, I slept for only 5 hours yesterday. Nope, not studying. Didn't really study much in protest of the exam. I just couldn't sleep. My pre-exam symptom. Then when I'd finally fallen asleep, I dreamed of a pontianak hiding in the locker. Stupid dream. Scared the wits outta me.

The entrance exam was okay I guess. It went much better than I thought. There were 4 papers; Physics, Biology, Math and Chem. 60 questions per paper to be answered in an hour. Bullseye. Eheh.

We've interview tomorrow morning. Been looking up on info and stuff but heck, I still couldn't find who's our Health Minister. Who ah? Call me outdated but I seriously have no idea. I just know that Chua Soi Lek was fired/resigned due to his scandalous video and that's so last year.

And,

Some people just annoyed the hell outta me.

My blog = I'll write what I want.

My blog = You don't like it, fuck off.

Even if it's boring or stupid or immature or whatever, it's none of your fucking business. I decide that, get it?
I seriously think this kind of people ought to be shipped to America and be slaves. Only that, that's in the old days right?

Seriously. Go to Bermuda Triangle, get screwed and don't come back. Or buy a mansion in Malibu, live happily ever after and get outta of my life. Either way, it's fine with me.

It's almost midnight and I haven't taken my shower.

I'll get pneumonia one day, cheers.

Freerice.com

2008-07-13T23:23:00.007+08:00

Surfing the net, clicking around doing nothing. Tap tap tap on the keyboard. Backspace backspace.

Hey, you're bored huh?

I don't usually promote websites....but this time I'll make an exception.

About FreeRice

FreeRice is a sister site of the world poverty site, Poverty.com.

FreeRice has two goals:
Provide English vocabulary to everyone for free.
Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

This is made possible by the generosity of the sponsors who advertise on this site.

Whether you are CEO of a large corporation or a street child in a poor country, improving your vocabulary can improve your life. It is a great investment in yourself.

Perhaps even greater is the investment your donated rice makes in hungry human beings, enabling them to function and be productive. Somewhere in the world, a person is eating rice that you helped provide. Thank you.

www.freerice.com

You can try going to that one. For each question you get right, you donate 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Pogram to help end hunger. If you find the words difficult (gaucherie- wtf is that??), hey, everything is at the tips of your fingers.

www.dictionary.com

Go to an online dictionary for God's sake.

Weird concept right? But the sponsors pay for your donated rice so don't worry. You'll also get to improve your vocabs. Learning while donating, not bad aite?

I've only donated 240 grains of rice.

Stopping here tonight. 8 am class tomorrow. That's freaking early for me.

Happy donating everyone! =D And yes, spread the website around.

P.S: Credits to Zatyfaty for sacrificing her sleeping time (tido jak keja) to tell me =)

It's what you called it.

2008-07-12T23:21:00.005+08:00

Lies grow. Learn.

S: I'll tell her my dad called, and there's a family emergency. No, no. There's just an emergency. Vi, type that.

Vi: I'll type, there's some kind of emergency ok?

S: No, no. That sounds too fishy. Just type there's an emergency. Maybe I should just tell them my grandma was admitted into the hospital.

N: What?? You can't say that! You don't have grandparents anymore is it?

S: No. Both of my grandmas passed away already. But telling that would be a lie. I don't want to lie...Nisa. Help me find an excuse.

N: What if you said, your dad called, your grandma passed away?

S: But-

N: You wouldn't be lying. It's just a statement. 2 different statements
that have nothing to do with each other in one message.

S: Haha! Brilliant! Vi, type "My dad just called. My grandma passed away." You're good!

N: I'm a liar. Of course I'm good.

N: You know, everyone in class will be offering their condolences to you on Monday.

S: Yeahh. Wait, one message received from M- F just told me about your grandma...I'm sorry.

N: OMG. We need to explain to her. Tell her that you said your grandma
passed away. Not that she JUST passed away.

........................

A liar manipulates facts and use them to his or her own advantage. Twisting words to evade lying but not wholly telling the truth. It's somewhere in between.

I'm a liar =) and I'm sure everyone around me is as well. I lie to get out of sticky situations and I lie to protect myself. I can lie to basically anyone but the things I lied about, I take extra care. There's a thin line between the truth and lies and everytime I crossed that line, I make sure I'm prepared for the consequences.

There are only two person that I could never bring myself to lie to. That two person are my parents. I'm not exactly an obedient daughter. I would answer back if I was scolded and I could utter the most hurtful words. But I couldn't lie. And I won't ever do so.

Whatever I did, even if I knew it would cause my parents to be mad, I'd tell them. I remember being asked, "If you knew your parents would be angry, why did you tell them? I wouldn't." . My parents don't ask, but even so, I feel that I should tell. Especially if I've done something I shouldn't.

Because guilt, like lies, grow. And it's not something I could stand. I don't want my parents to ever doubt me. My judgements, or myself. Better kena marah than feeling guilty rite? I consider myself as being outspoken and straight forward =P and I called my relationship with my parents as an "open and honest" one. Nicer words compared to rebellious and rude.

Untuk menyenangkan hidup?

Lie only when you should.

What? You didn't expect me to say, "Don't ever lie," rite? That's bollocks.

So yeah, lie when you should but tell the truth when the time comes =)

What would you say?

2008-06-30T07:25:00.002+08:00

Seena asked all of us a string of questions the other day. I was intrigued so here goes:

Let's say you found out your husband-to-be is not a virgin, what would you do?
Um...erm...umm..wait a minute. I have to think.

The first thing I thought was, "How do I evade this question? There must be a loophole somewhere." But then, it was just a question. Asked outta boredom and curiousity. All I had to do was answer.

I know I would think, if I loved that man enough, I wouldn't care. It's a thing of the past and everyone deserves a second chance. He deserves to make amend for his mistake. Of course we'd have rows and stuff but everything'd be okay.
But I know what I would do is, I wouldn't accept him. The fact that he did it say something about himself. I'm not good at giving second chances.

But what if your wedding's all planned? You've printed the cards and everything.
I wouldn't care. I would cancel the invitations. What's a bunch of fancy words written on fancy papers to my life and a man I don't trust? And people can talk. I don't give a **censored**.

What would you say to your parents then?
I would tell them that I'm feeling unsure. That I'm just experiencing a nervous breakdown and I need the time to think. After some time, I'd tell them I'm calling the wedding off.

So..what would you girls answer?

Just a quick update

2008-06-29T20:24:00.002+08:00

My parents were here for the weekend, yay!

Coolness. I haven't seen them for ages. Well, not since 2 weeks ago. Haha. 2 weeks is long.
I feel a pang of sadness now I guess. When the weekend ended, everyone parted. Yazid took the bus back to Kuantan to study more about teeth, Zahir and me took the KTM back to MSU and my parents took the cab to KLIA, back to Miri. Why can't all of us catch the flight to Miri?

Heh, no point in complaining I guess.

I asked my dad a question last night, as I was packing my stuff. I asked him- if he was content with his life, how could such thing be? He came from a not-poor-but-not-rich-either family, and I was sure, as a kid, there were things that he had wanted so badly but couldn't get. Then he studied hard, worked hard, got his paycheck every month.........but then he spend most of it on his family. On us. On me. So..how is that?

I was expecting something like, "If you loved your family bla bla bla sacrifice for them bla bla bla," crap but then he looked thoughtful and said, "Yeah, I'm wondering about that as well," Whoa, talk about harsh! Where did all the stuff about family love go?

Lol.

I'm missing my parents already, so I better stop. Weekend's over, now it's back to Genetics (gah). I've a lot to catch up but I'll start tomorrow. I've to do my laundry and my brother's - I swear to God, this is the last time I'm doing this for him. Ok la, it's not like I'm washing them by hands but still. Next time he's washing his own clothes!

History, anyone?

2008-06-22T16:25:00.008+08:00

I hate Sejarah and Malaysian Studies. Though I never scored anything less than an A, I hated these subjects. Not only were they as interesting as watching Hang Seng stocks, I couldn't put them to any use.

My conclusion was this: history is dull.

Now, I say: Malaysian history is dull.

History is mind-blowing. And history stirred emotions I didn't know I had in me. And,

I'm in love with Philippa Gregory.

Oh? Who is she?

After the success of the movie The Other Boleyn Girl (TOBG), who can say they do not know her? Ok, those who are ignorant maybe don't. But I'm sure everyone knows Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson and Eric Bana. How can you not know them???

Yes, Philippa Gregory is the author of The Other Boleyn Girl and all her books are about modern history especially on the Tudors of England. Seriously, never before have I been so avid over an author's books. So if you decided you liked TOBG's movie, I would suggest you read the book. READ THE BOOK, I DON'T CARE. Read the book then tell me you're not blown away because as always, the movie has a slightly different storyline *%$#@!^&*

After you read TOBG, then you might want to consider The Constant Princess (TCP) and The Boleyn Inheritance (TBI). Forget I said consider, READ THEM. TOBG told the story of the two Boleyn sisters, Anne and Mary while TCP captured the life of Catalina Of Spain, Katherine of Aragon- Queen of England. The same queen Anne Boleyn had replaced. TBI on the other hand was told from Jane Parker, Lady Rochford, George's (brother to Anne and Mary) unbeloved wife's view, when she was assigned the task to assist Katherine Howard, a lady-in-waiting of the Queen, in her attempt to charm King Henry and gained the throne.

In fact, read them in order. From The Constant Princess, The Other Boleyn Girl and The Boleyn Inheritance.

All of them attempted to be Queen. Either they ended up in the Tower, or they ended up on the throne, sitting next to the King. A battle of life and death.

And oh, the movie made King Henry looked like a tame kitten.

Ok.

Next is....

Michelle Moran. The author of Nefertiti.

You'll get a glimpse of the lives of Egypt royalties and yes, that includes Pharaoh Amunhotep II and Pharaoh Nefertiti. She succeeded in making herself Pharaoh, ruling next to Amunhotep and making her daughter the heir of Egypt when she couldn't conceive a son. She also got rid of Kiya, the First Wife to Amunhotep.

Then there's Elif Shafak. Author of The Bastard Of Istanbul.

History of Turkey. The storyline was pretty dull along the way but when you reach its ending, wham! you wouldn't believe what had hit you. The ending made up for the story itself, it's brilliant.

Lastly, Jean Sasson. Author of Princess, Daughter Of Arabia and Princess Sultana's Circle on the royalties of Saudi Arabia.

She's also the author of Mayada.

A story based in Iraq. It proved that no matter how important you were, no one was guaranteed their safety. Saddam Hussein himself threw and tortured her in his dungeons for no apparent reason. She was released and thus the existence of this book.

All these books have one thing in common: The peril of absolute male authority in royal households.

I could say that among all, I like the Egyptians the most. Of course, like every other country, the birth of a son as an heir was a must but in Egypt, daughters were not denied their rights. Nefertiti had had 6 daughters and still, Amunhotep loved them to bits. So yeah, even though he was not a good ruler (he was said to be mentally unstable), he was a good father.

And the best part is? These books were all based on true stories and facts.

So ditch Meg Cabot and Sophie Kinsellia. I wouldn't even scream in protest if you guys ditched Harry Potter =)

Dah. I'm tired of writing.

Happy reading!

MODE: BORED

2008-06-20T11:53:00.003+08:00

As expected, classes only start next week. Which will be on Monday. Which is 3 days away. Which means I've nothing to do for the next 72 hours. And now I'm bored.

Entrance exam will be on the 19th of July and I've forms to fill and documents to prepare and I haven't started on them yet. I'm not that bored.

My GPA has taken quite a dip this semester. A- for both Anatomy and Math 2. And a B for Ko-Ku 1 as expected. I'd be humiliated if I'd gotten an A. Humiliated and pleased. Gaga. Who cares. At least now I've only another short semester to go. 2 subjects; Basic Genetics and Ko-Ku 2. Stupid kan Ko-ku 2? I've 10 hours of BG per week. Yes, it's everyday. Then our lecturer told us they'd came out with a new format. Instead of the usual Test 1 and 2 during short sem, we've mid-sem exam and what has come out for mid-sem exam will also come out during final. We've to revise 9 whole chapters for final. Yes! And if you think I'm rejoicing that there's only one test before final, you're wrong! Test 1 and 2 are usually done informally, in the class. Without us having to wear the proper attire and taking the exam slip. It also means we could glance left and right.....not copying eh. Glancing left and right.

AND, mentor-mentee has been changed to Saturday. Saturday! Who would bother going to campus on a SATURDAY morning for nothingness? Of course, I stay in the campus but still! I skipped that thing even when it was on a weekday, why would I attend it during the weekend?

Wtf???

Why does this have to happen during my last sem?? Why couldn't it wait until next sem when I've finished?? WHY?

Because this uni is stupid, that's why. And I thought I could relax this semester. I was also rooting there were days when I wouldn't have any classes. Pfft.

Ok. I'm done complaining. Now I wanna post some pics taken 2 days ago during Seha's visit to Miri. So I dragged Ctah along coz I didn't know Miri that well myself, how could I be the tour guide? I'd end up bringing my friend to shopping malls only. Then we found out Asylla was free, so we dragged her as well. And I must must must met her coz she's leaving for Russia on the 28th and I may not see her for a long time.

At the airport. The one in blue is Seha.

Marina Bay. A place I didn't know existed until 2 days ago!

Asylla. Haven't seen her for ages!

The key and the lock. A perfect match.

You see, that's Ctah Sandwich.

Now I'm dreadfully hungry.

All Smiles

2008-06-16T13:18:00.001+08:00

I'm typing this with my eyes half-closed but I know that if I didn't post this today, then I would never post it. It seems that from day to day, I'm getting lazier to blog =D

Never had I thought I would feel tired of being angry. There seemed to be tiny outbursts everyday. I was like a tornado, lashing out my anger to those around me. My mood swings were unbearable.

Blame them on my hormones =P

Effa was partly right; they seem to be there, but not really. Yeah, that describes it. But honestly, I couldn't really blame the friends though I was kindda frustrated. I know how hard it is to keep in touch. I am one of those friends. Even I feel scared of meeting some of them, even though we were really inseparable once. I'm scared of us judging ourselves. That maybe I couldn't accept the 'new' them and vice versa. More than anything, I don't want to accept the fact that we really couldn't get along that well anymore. And that we have changed more than we have wanted.

Friends. But yeah, there're still there. Just merely visible. But ahah, if you guys ever need me, please know that I'm here =) and always will be.

Okay, I got sidetracked. What I really wanted to say was.....

I got to meet Rina and I got to meet Ctah and I'm happy =)

Rina was back in Miri for 5 days. As brief as that may have sounded, that's 4 nights at home eh! When you think of it that way, it's long right. Fetched her at the airport in the morning (yes, ME! ME!) and bumped into her at the airport again that night. You guys should have guessed by now that we're big fans of Miri Airport. Yeah, it's so BREATHTAKINGLY GORGEOUS, bluek. Then I bumped into her again at Dr. Aziz's the next morning. Then the night before she went back, we hung out at her house until like...3 am. The last time I was there was almost 2 years ago when we had the sleepover after SPM. That was freakingly LONG since her house's just 5 minutes away.We talked like we talked back then. We laughed just like we had laughed back then. It was a relief to be able to tell rather than to write to someone I actually knew well and knew me well. After I got back that night, I thought:

I wasn't afraid anymore.

It suddenly popped into my head. I didn't even know what it meant.

Ok.

Then last night I met Ctah! A few days before I was going back only did I meet her. Brilliant. Now this, needs another post on its own. So yes, I'm stopping here. I need sleep. I need food.

Toodles.

Like A Knife

2008-06-12T04:40:00.002+08:00

I thought long and hard as what to write before I came to one conclusion: I simply don't know.

I've sat here for hours. Typing and backspacing. Logging in and out. Staring at the white background. And still I haven't written a single word.

Does it matter if my thoughts were left unwritten?

No, of course not. It wouldn't change anything.

I used to listen to people's whines and woes all the time. I lend my ears and time because I knew how much difference that would make. But often when I looked up, they were looking expectantly at me, hoping I could come up with something wise to say. Hoping that somehow, I could come up with any solution. And I did exactly that. I dug deep for the answers. And at times I struggled, just trying to find the correct words. Cracking my head to find something, anything to say. Those expectant eyes. I couldn't say how badly I wanted to just walk away.

Now I do just that. I walk away.

At the rare times when I decided to sit down and listen, and my little words managed to put some sense into their heads, my heart gave a small leap. It felt good.

And then I started wondering why I changed. And whether I should change.

I view those in my life as fragile chinas crowded on a shelf. There are those at the very back, dusty and untouched, waiting to break. There are those at the front, new and polished, waiting to break. There are those that have already broken, scattered everywhere on the floor. Then there's me. And I'm left to gather the pieces and wait for the others to break.

I don't want that to happen.

It's not hard to accept these are just faces among many other faces. They come and they go. I couldn't help but wonder when will they walk out of my life, how long will it take before I'm forgotten.

We hang out together. Does that make us friends?
We tell each other stories. Does that make us friends?
We've known each other for years and still, does that make us friends?

I was told that all I needed was to trust, and to have faith.

I couldn't.

I'm HUGE

2008-06-06T09:10:00.001+08:00

......and I eat like a pregnant woman.

So there should be no question as to WHY I'm fat right?

Hmm...I wonder why girls always say they're fat.

Oh, wait.

I probably know why. Because I constantly do that as well. But here, now, at this moment, that isn't the case.

The girls' cliche phrase "I'm fat" is because I really am! Rina said so and that's ONLY BY LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF ME!

Waaaaaa.................

I've thought of working out but no no no, too sweaty and energy consuming (I'm a lazy pig. Ha ha ha)

I've thought of cutting back on eating but no no no, I love eating way too much, especially home-made food.

So...no exercising, no dieting. Seems like there's only ONE thing left to do...........

No, not liposuction you doofus~ it's too expensive anyways and I'm a poor student =(

I'm left wondering as to WHY IT'S SO HARD TO MAINTAIN MY WEIGHT nowadays. It's ever since I entered uni. Damn hard la.

Is it because of the inconsistent time of meals? Lunch could be at 2 pm,dinner at 10.

Is it the food itself? I'm guessing oil is like so cheap there in West M'sia their food are dripping of it. One meal's can fill a quarter of my gayung. Tsk tsk.

Is it the depression of being away from home? And as always, the more depressed I am, the more I tend to stuff my face.

Why oh why?

Why was it wayyyyy easier to stay thin back in high school?? Not that I was ever that thin, mind you *sighs*

BUT

You know what, once upon a time, I might cared. I might had nothing better to do than worrying over the number on the scale. One comment of me being fat was enough to set me off on my diet --->> stupid stupid

Now if anyone commented on my weight, I'd buy a double cheeseburger on the spot and gobbled it up in 2 minutes.

Or rather, I'd say, "Fuck off will ya?"

Wouldn't that feel good?

Sooooo,

I'll just eat whatever I want and moan about how big I'm getting

Seems like the perfect thing for me =)))) *big smile*

But don't ever comment about my weight because that's so tactless and it might breaks my lil'-coke-polluted heart. At least, not to my face =D

So I Say

2008-06-05T07:04:00.002+08:00

I owe Ctah a big plump balloonish SORRY.

She misscalled my handphone 5 times, send 2 messages and called my house's phone twice.
And I didn't even budge =( I'm sorry.

Oh, and I owe you KokoCrunch too.

It's always the opposite when I'm at home: I'm sensitive to other noises but my hp when I'm asleep. But when I'm there, it's vice versa. If my housemates wanted to wake me up, they'd call me rather than bang on the door (eventhough my bed's exactly next to it), because trust me, I wouldn't move even a hair.

So that's what happened yesterday. Ctah called me around 1 pm and I was still asleep. As a matter of fact, I woke up at 5 pm because I couldn't stand my sister's attempts to measure my nose.

I was asleep and Hani was holding a ruler against my nose.

I'm not a witch so I don't have long nose okay? It's just the same as everyone else's.

Before you guys go: SHE WOKE UP AT 5 PM??, lemme explain.

I slept around 11 am so logically, I should wake up around 5 right? And even then I only got 6 hours of sleep.

So I don't think Pakul's "sik manis anak dara bangun aher eh," theory is accepted. I fully oppose against it. Anyone's with me?

I jaga the house when everyone's asleep ok? Me and my brother. It's like a duet-guarding-the-house thing.

There's only one reason la: I love late at nights and early mornings, I hate the afternoons.
I like it when it's totally quiet and nobody's around. I like the chill and the smell of morning. I like the feeling of being alone, that the time and moment belong to me and no one else.

I'm maximizing my hols.

P.S: I know it's a tad late but I'd just gotten to watch P.S: I Love You and this
is what I have to say- it's as boring as the book that I'd to keep forwarding
it and honestly, I couldn't see why people are crazy over those (movie and book).
Boring la wey.

P.P.S: IMS (International Medical School) entrance's exam is on the 21st of
June. Only 3 days after registering, giving me no chance whatsoever
to enjoy/mourn over my results. And oh, MY BOOKS ARE IN SHAH ALAM
WHILE I'M IN MIRI.
I hate next semester already.

Rain vs Wedding

2008-06-03T06:57:00.004+08:00

2 days ago, I decided to attend my neighbour's wedding. Shocking, I know. Of course, I'd my reasons:

1. Everyone else was busy going to weddings that I thought I should give it a shot; named Ctah and Fara.

2. I had nothing better to do than sleep anyway, and sleeping was boring.

3. Since I'd missed the akad nikah the previous day, I'd decided to attend the majlis persandingan. Just in case they'll refuse to attend my funeral in the future: No way! That girl didn't even bother to attend our daughter's wedding! =( Not my fault. Nobody bothered to wake me up!

4. Oh, fine. I wanted to go to Mall since I had to get a new mouse ASAP and other stuff. Wouldn't be cool if I wandered around the shops while the wedding's going on at the other side of the building right? What might they say? And yes, I do mind what they say because I'll have to deal with them for a couple more years unlike those I don't know or dislike.

So yeah, a sleepless me decided to attend a wedding. I seemed to forget what were involved in a wedding. You sit, you eat, you go back; that's it right?

Nisa's rule 1#

Walk in the middle of the hallway so you wouldn't have

to shake hand or salam with those lining up to greet the guests.

Nisa's rule 2#

Avoid eye contact at all cost so there wouldn't be any question asked.

I arrived and I sat. Listened to music that didn't only suck but so damn loud that I had to maximized my mp3's volume which still wasn't enough to shut that horrible music out! Sakit my telinga. Tuned to 30 Seconds To Mars, RJA, Panic! At The Disco etc which soothed my ears, thankfully.

Proper politeness

our-hps-are-suddenly-so-interesting boredom

And I sat. And sat. And sat. And at 11.20 am (we arrived there at 10.14 am! That's an hour of waiting and monstrous music!) the bride and groom arrived and took their seats on the bridal dais. And then I wondered what's gonna happen.

Turned out there were speeches:

"Since when do they have speeches at weddings?"

And there were videos:

"Since when do they show videos at weddings?"

And then my sister asked me:

"When was the last time you attended one (wedding)?"

Shoot. Good question. When I thought about it, it was about 3 years ago when my cousin got married. And that was a must-attend event or my mum would kill me. You know, where the whole family had to wear baju kurung and baju melayu in the theme colour. And where you were ordered to do this and that. Wah, so annoying. The thing is, I hate weddings, or any family events actually. I wouldn't attend any unless I have to. I only go to tahlil (the anniversary of the dead person) and funerals (when people die) to show my respects. Not bad right?

In the middle of those, I realised:

The wedding's a free promotion of Hujan! The local band from Miri, not Rain- the Korean singer. Sorry to disappoint you guys. Btw, I just realised he's the guy in Speed Racer. No wonder he looked familiarly skinny.

Hujan vs Wedding

See, they even got the bigger stage (picture was taken up close so it looked smaller)! I mean, I know they needed the space for the instruments and the group members but shouldn't the bride and groom be the center of attention? It was their wedding after all. Hey, you don't get married often (unless you get married and divorced 5 times) you know.

Not only that, guests were more eager to take pictures with them rather than the king and queen of the day!

They're family after all so I guess the bride and groom didn't mind. They were probably proud or something.

Oh, the band even promoted and sold their t-shirts there.

Nisa's rule 3#

Sneak out early as to not be trapped in the crowd.

Nisa's rule 4#
Don't use the main door so you wouldn't have to congrats the bride and groom.

So I tried searching the booth or the desk or something where they might be selling these t-shirts as further proof, but couldn't find it =(

Her: My funeral theory got to her, so she buang tebiat and went.
Me: I don't think I looked like someone who didn't sleep the whole night.

After we arrived home, I officially crashed on my bed at 2.14 pm. A new bedtime record =)

Nisa's conclusion of the day: I hate weddings.

All mirror does is lie

2008-06-01T03:39:00.000+08:00

I guess I was angry. No, that's the understatement of the year. I was in white fury. I was enraged. I was.......am running out of vocabulary.

I didn't realise I was mad. I didn't know I had all this anger bottled up inside.

It resulted in this. And much more.

"IT'S JUST A MOUSE! We'll go and buy a new one tomorrow!"

While the rest cowered in terror at my sudden burst, my sister strolled into the room casually and talked to me as if I were a kid throwing a tantrum.It's always like that. Somehow, my fury never intimidate her.

It wasn't about the mouse. It just took me a mouse to realise I was bitterly angry. And I was, though I didn't know why. I just felt

FRUSTRATED

That somehow, I've let people down. And I felt everyone was waiting for me to screw up. So they could mock and laugh at me.

Baka.

But you know what's even more stupid? When I needed someone to talk to, I didn't know who I should pour it all out to. When I scrolled my phone's address book, I realised they were just names. And I didn't really know any of them.

See the bits on the floor? Those're pieces of the wall when I slammed the door.

Just kidding.

They're what's left of my candle holder. I was so mad, I smashed it against the wall. And it broke, tiny pieces flying everywhere. I've had it since form 2. It was a small fairytale house with lots of tiny windows so if you lighted a candle inside it, you could see them seeping through its many windows. Very pretty.

I haven't done that in a long long time. It felt so good.

When I did that, my dad, who was ignoring my tantrum, scolded me. I talked back and asked him to leave my room.

I'm so gonna be burned in hell.

He said I was old enough and I should act my age.

But you know what?

I'm sick of acting my age. I'm sick of smiling and not crying. I'm sick of pretending that

people's words and actions don't hurt.

People could say it wouldn't solve anything or it's not the right way but if it took a huge tantrum to calm myself down, so be it.

And I don't see why PEOPLE should care. Because I certainly don't.

The sickness of clumsiness

2008-05-27T04:11:00.003+08:00

I am officially depressed. That's right, DEPRESSED. This is not Mimi's kind of depressed because she's fasting or Seena's kind of depressed because she couldn't answer some Math question.

No, this is MAJOR, kindda deja vu kind of depressed. Maybe one of the post-exams symptoms, however weird that may sounds. But I think that's it. I snapped at my parents a lot these last couple of days. Hung up the phone, felt guilty and called them back to apologise. It happened so often that I found myself telling myself that it's not cool to do that. It's not cool to hurt people on purpose and then apologise. Things don't work that way. But maybe because they're my parents and I knew they'd forgive me against any odds,I kept repeating it.

I ought to be shot in the head.

I've shortlived my N73 by throwing it the other day. Yup. Twice. Even now, when my phone's blinking the message: battery low, I feel like chucking it outta windows. I even have issues with my phone. Trust me, rage is not my first cousin anymore. Ignoring though, is still is. Even my friends say I'm ruthless and yes, I do think so. In fact, more than ever. I, of all people, don't give any damn. So sue me.

I'm just thinking...about my exams. Shut it that exams aren't everything. Sure they aren't, but they're still something of values that people seem to look at. Results wouldn't be out for another month and I'm already freaking out. The thing is, if I were able to maintain my GPA this semester, then I could breathe. Then my CGPA would be safe. Then I can think about medicine.

Anyways, guess what happened yesterday?

I slipped in the toilet. Not only did I have to go up and down the staircase 4 times because the stupid washing machine wouldn't accept 50 cents, I had to land on my butt in the toilet as well! The slippers were slippery and I had only one foot on the floor (I wanted to wash my feet), and the next thing I knew I was shrieking and landed on the floor with a thud. Ouch. Thankfully there was nobody around to witness my humiliation, and thankfully the tiles were dry. I was awarded by a couple of nasty scratches on my feet, but that's it. I got myself up, did not pretend as if nothing had happened, considered the situation and laughed my head off. Hey, there's a first for everything aite? Mine happened smoothly =P

Guess what happened the day before?

Okay, shoot. I was in GSC with Seha, watching Narnia. A few minutes before the film ended, I put my drink in the cup holder firmly, intending to leave it there because I couldn't finish it. Note that my drink was a large Coke and it was still more than half full. The credits rolled and people around us were already scrambling to go out, using the lights from the opened doors because the lights in the cineplex were still not switched on. I got up, brushed popcorns off my clothes and turned 45 degrees to leave. Then I saw a drink spinning in midair, landed perfectly on the shoulder of a woman sitting in front of me, emptying its content before it bounced off again. Amused, I wondered who did that.

Then Seha said, "Nisa, tu bukan air ko ke?"

WHAT?

I glanced at the cup holder and my drink was missing! The drink that had landed flat on the women was MINE. It was impossible! I did not, I swear, knocked it or anything. And even if I did, surely it would fall to the floor? Surely it wouldn't do some Jackie Chan act, wouldn't seem as if someone had thrown the drink?

Realising this with horror, I said "Sorry!" repeatedly to the women. She was cursing, trying to clean the mess. One thing was clear, she was mad. Really really mad. But she didn't turn around. It was dark and she couldn't even see my face. So I did the next logic thing I could think of; I ran for the exit. It was like a hit-and-run case and indeed, I feel ashamed of myself even as I'm writing this but hey, I was terrified okay? I should be forgiven. Especially since I didn't know how my drink managed to fly and the fact that the women was wearing black. Coke stain on a black blouse, shouldn't be too obvious right?

After that, of course, I laughed at the whole thing. Puzzled and amused at the same time. Until now I still wonder, how did it happen?

See what I meant by post-exams symptoms?

Lol.

Over the same sea, on the same wind

2008-05-26T16:07:00.002+08:00

When I started doing Foundation in Medicine, I thought I had found one of the purposes in my life. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted to spend the rest of my remaining time doing.

I did.

I wanted to be a doctor. And suprisingly, more than a year later, I still stick to my decision (=P)
I have an ambition. I have a dream. I have something I need to fulfill, no matter what it takes.
That feeling gives me some comfort.

But now, I'm at lost.
And now, I'm scared.

Because finally, I have to come up with another major decision.

University placement.

Coming into our second long semester, most of my friends had brought up the question. As to where to go; which university, which country. My answer was always this, "I don't know. I'll decide when the time comes." Each time we had the ISEP (International Students Exchange Programme) briefing, it'd leave me feeling uneasy. Because I didn't know. And I still don't know.

Truth is, I hate making decisions. I dislike having to think of the pros and cons. The advantages and disadvantages. Personally, I think it's easier if MSU just shoved me to whichever university they think is suitable. Though in truth, it wouldn't taste that sweet.

Now I only have another short semester before I'm done and I know the time for making that decision has come. I've avoided it long enough. The next intake is in September or October and if I miss those, I'll have to wait for another whole year. What should I do? Duduk rumah tanam jagung is it? Hell no.

I've officially missed the entrance exams to Czech and Poland. Despite words of encouragement from my friends, I refused. Despite having more than the minimum GPA, I refused. The entrance exam was 3 days before my finals. If I screwed my finals, then I was screwed. Not worth it especially for countries I never intended to go. Trust me, experiencing 4 seasons and being in Europe have never been in my list. Those are just typical Malaysians' excuses.

I have one country in mind. One country that whenever I mentioned it to other people, I'd get arched eyebrows as their response. A country that, even I, couldn't explain the reason why I want to study there so badly.

Despite that, yeah, I'm still in a deep dilemma.

Me and my complains, as usual

2008-05-01T01:34:00.003+08:00

So my blog is practically dead. Dry. Drained. You get my point. And for those who'd been urging me to update my blog, well, here I am.

Sorry, I was so busy studying and being a nerd, I couldn't bring myself to blog.

Ahah! As if =P

Being here always sucked any writing mood out of me.

Before I start, can I first complain? Of course, it's my blog. Sukati la what I wanna write. So here goes:

Finals are in 2 weeks and 80% of my classes are cancelled.

WHAT THE HELL??

And before I could rejoice about my class-less days, the lecturers piled us with so much work.

Just a typical student's whine.

I feel as if this semester has been dragging on for too long. Too long and too boring and I just can't wait for it to end. 3 more weeks, that's it. This is the longest I've been away. The maximum should be a month and a half. Not 3 AND A HALF MONTHS. And somehow, my grades have been a bit more colourful this semester. No more As lining up.
Whatever.

I just want to go home.

I know I sound like a child longing for her ice-cream. No,no. I'm just longing for Seksyen 2's ABC which my housemates had promised me today but up to now, I still haven't seen ANY ICE.

I'm known to be aggresive when I want something so they better bring me there ASAP.

That's my ultimate complain by the way.

I want my ABC!

P.S: Dear Hani, HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY. Cut on the snacks and eat more veggies k? Love you.

Walking Fairy

2008-02-17T00:58:00.023+08:00

Sometimes I feel, we are puppets. Chained by strings. Destined to entertained.

I am one of those puppets. Controlled, put into acts. The strings are my leash, and one who controls them, isn't someone. Not a person, but an event. Not a walking soul, but bits of occurence. It took a lifetime for the strings to get loose. And it gave me great delights, to be freed. Weightless. For not to force to smile. Not to force into joyous. But doing them with sincerity.

But sometimes, just sometimes, the chains tightened, jerking me backwards. And it repeats.
It repeats. As if all this while, I didn't move. Rooted to that one spot. And after some passing time, the chains loosen once again.

I'm going to be binded to them forever. But I still believe the strings will break one day. They will. All I have to do is wait.

Just being dramatic XOXO

Anyways, let's immersed ourselves in the pictures of cuteness:

It's so small, it could fit right into my palms

Lulu*, Lala*, Lili*

Like a lioness

Now watch Lulu*:

Wearing a dress!

First unsuccesful attempt to take the dress off

Second unsuccessful attempt

Chewed on the tablecloth instead

Bite bite

Very doll-like and pretty

*Names subjected to changes because well, I haven't named them yet.

Btw, I DON'T believe in all those crap about animals dying if pictures of them are taken. That is not only PURE, but completely and utterly bullshit. They die because they're old or sick or eaten. If it's true, then the animals on TV and magazines and books and posters would all be dead by now and this world would be animal-less. And my rabbits will have long prosperous lives. So there.

Money's hard to find, so don't go and spend it all in one time. It rhymed!

2008-02-16T00:23:00.006+08:00

My OT shift ended 27 minutes ago.

No more waking up at 7.15 am.
No more feeling exhausted when I got back home.
No more converting + formatting + editting CVs for hours and hours.

Hurrah! I'm free!

And the best part is, I've earned RM 500 in 4 days. Those who said I wasn't independent can eat their words and digest them. I'll make one hell of a CEO. Lol. I probably wouldn't.

Yes, I've been working. From Tuesday to Friday. RM 100 per day + RM 100 for OT today. Like I said, what I did mostly was dealing with resumes and stuff for this big tender I'm not even interested in knowing. It's not exactly my dream RM 4.50-per-hour-cashier job, but this paid better. God, when will I be able to do a part time job as a cashier? Anyways, no more working for me after this. It's exhausting even though all I did is sat in front of the computer from 8.30 am to 4.30 pm. Some day I sacrificed my lunch time. Some day I worked until 6 pm. And some day, I did OT. But honestly, working there was fun. I liked the office, the environment. I liked the people who worked there. Not all of them, but most of them.

It's the Venezuelans who poked their head into the room to say 'Good Morning' each day.
It's the Scottish guy who made time to sit and chat.
It's the Bruneians who offered a hand.
It's the Malaysians who acted as if they owned the company.
It's the Malaysians who acted snobbish.
Typical.

And my boss rocked. Seriously. For a 49-year-old guy with 3 kids, he's someone I'd describe as 'peloya nauzubillah'. Mr. Hernando the Big Boss would go all, "Who's staying back today? I'm ordering pizza," or "I was told we were the winner. We're going to win this bid!". Mr. Jim was, "Are you comfortable sitting like that? I wouldn't be able to walk for a week!"

I was allowed to wear t-shirts and jeans and flip-flops. I could do my work while listening to MP3 and drank Coke and ate chocolate.

I really liked it there.

But not enough to continue working tomorrow. My last day in Miri. No way.

At least one good thing came out of this whole thing; I don't want to work in an office. I know it's all I've dreamed of since I could spell but now I've experienced it, I don't want to sit in an air-conditioned room all day with no windows, staring at the monitor or some crappy contracts. It's pointless exhaustion. I mean, your mind's working all right but your body doesn't. Unless you count going to the pantry for a cup of coffee or to the toilet for a wee. And come to think of it, it's a bit like school aite? Fixed working hours, repeated tasks everyday. Where's the drill? Where's the excitement? It makes life seems so dull.

Oh yeah, I am aware of the course I'm currently doing but one must consider her options thoroughly right? I might not want to be a doctor. I might want to pursue business. Or journalism. Or anything really. But now business and anything that's connected with office is out. OUT I say. That rules out a lot actually.

Excellent.

It's just that, a job is a big deal. I mean, it's something I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing. It's like choosing your other half; that's important right? I don't want to work just so I could pay the rent and the bills. I want to wake up in the morning and actually look forward to my job. I want to start my day not knowing how the day will turn out. I like the kick of not knowing what's gonna happen next. It gives a buzz, like taking caffeine. I want to have a job where I can move around, jump and bounce. Just kidding about the jumping and bouncing but you guys get my point right?

Yes, I remain as indecisive as ever.

P.S: When writing your CV, keep it as brief as possible as in UNDER 5 PAGES. No one's gonna bother reading your 15-pages CV and you'll end up making a part-time worker very very pissed.

Bread misery

2008-02-10T20:13:00.000+08:00

I've a mild headache.

I'm sick.

And I've decided to put the blame on this breadless house.

Yup, you've read that right. My house is officially breadless. Except for some loaf of raisin one which I don't eat. Ma Baker is closed and Mum didn't bake. I don't eat any other bread.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO EAT?

Rice? *puke puke*

Junk food? *puke puke*

Fast food? *puke puke*

Fancy yucky food? *puke puke*

I WANT BREAD!

Catching raindrops

2008-02-10T03:02:00.000+08:00

Let's start my entry with this picture:

That couch is now officially my bed. It's not that I was thrown outta my room. Nor is it I'm trying to gain sympathy from my parents so that they'll raise my allowance *hint! hint!*

But because for these past 4 or 5 days, I've felt asleep on it around 5.30 am watching CDs. And when I woke up, it's already noon and someone had been kind enough to take out the cd, switched off the tv and so on.

Anyways, yesterday had been a bit bizarre by my standards. I slept at 10 am (a new record!) and woke up at 4.30 pm. Couldn't quite believe I'd woken up that late. I'd practically jumped up from the couch when I looked at the time.

Now, the question. WHAT was I so busy doing that I couldn't meet my 5 am bedtime?

Keeping my promise to my brother. Which was.......

Fine. We went jogging. He's been bugging me about it since I made the mistake of suggesting it like a week ago. It didn't happen because I'd usually dive in to bed before 6 am on purpose since I really didn't feel like sweating.

So when 5 am greeted me, I was all, "Haiya, now I have to go to sleep." Like it was more of a commitment than something my brain and body badly required. Then it hit me that I was on holidays (cheers!) and that I could afford to go to sleep anytime I wanted. I took on surfing the channels and settled on Discovery Channel. About some evil person named Carozasta. Cazarosta. Cozosta. It's something started with a C. He must had been one boring person, because 3 minutes into the show, I got bored already. Instead, I picked:

Once again, Power Puff Girls saved the day.

Around 6.30 am, we set off. On foot. You know, trust is the basis of everything. Saying you didn't want to die early on the other hand, isn't. It's as if my parents didn't spend a thousand bucks so that I could get my license. It's as if I couldn't even drive! Okay, so maybe there's some doubt there. But still, it's Bulatan Park. That's only like 5 minutes away. If an accident did occur, I could still go home and fetch a couple of books so I wouldn't die of boredom in the hospital.

Barely 3 minutes into walking, it rained heavily. How could the weather changed from

this to this?

Instead of retreating home like losers, I suggested we sat at a nearby bus stop until the rain subsided. Brilliant or not?

Only that I got impatient after sitting for a while and convinced him that a bit of rain wouldn't kill us. I told him I wanted to use the long way and I only got THE question once. Which was,

"Seriously, don't you know anything about road rules?"

It was a nice morning and it's been a while since I had taken a morning walk. I couldn't be blamed for walking in the middle of the road and ignoring the cars.

Because of CNY + rain, there weren't many people. Just a few old people, jogging with umbrellas. I couldn't do that. But then, there are a lot of things I couldn't do.
Something else caught my attention though:

Supported by JICA. Hmm...somehow doubtful.

And guess what? On my third lap, it started raining some more! The sun must had been laughing at me behind all those raindrops and clouds.

After doing 4 laps, I decided to call it a quit because my legs were threatening to disattach from my body. It wouldn't be nice to be legless.

So we went to the only cafe opened which I didn't know the name.

I ordered the classic ice lemon tea which seriously, looked more like orange gunk to me. They didn't have Coke (boohoo), nor did they have watermelon juice. Nor did they have barley. My advice? Tutup kedai la!

I would be delighted to say my morning ended there but sadly, it didn't.

My requirement was specific: I wanted the shortest short cut to go home.
Since it was practically his fault we're on foot, he's the one who's supposed to figure that out. And he did what? He took the longest short cut ever! The roads we took weren't familiar to me (I need a map to walk around Miri) and whenever I asked, he said that he knew his way around because he took the roads before. Ok.

When I saw the sign Piasau Jaya 2B, I gaped. I didn't know it existed!

When I saw SESCO, I freaked out. SESCO was nowhere near home!

We went that way, and this way, and I was already thinking of calling Dad to pick us up (I didn't because being 19 and all, independent was what I should be).

After a while, we saw SMKDP and got ourselves safely back at home. Wanna know what's funny? Despite the soaking in the rain and mixed directions, I never felt more alive.

I haven't felt that in a long time.

The FRIM visit

2008-02-09T03:26:00.000+08:00

Look at the pictures closely and tell me one similarity. Just ONE. Go on.

Info on Arapaima. Or whatever fish it was.

Um, a yellow blossoming flower? Other than that, not a clue.

An elephant-like trunk!

Some kind of mushroom perhaps.

Swirling tree?

Mimi a.k.a Mad Dog a.k.a Mushroom (types depend on mood)

Glad I'd missed these. Not complaining.

Exactly. There's no me. Not in any of those picture. Not even my shadow. Because at that time, I was eating ice-cream in Miri.

Re: Reason For Absence To FRIM Visit

Regarding to the matter above, I, Nurisa Bt Mohd Sabri, ID number 01200715 1257 would like to state my reason for not participating in the FRIM visit which was held on the 29th of December 2007.

1. That was due to the fact that my flight ticket from Miri to KL was dated on the 1st of January 2008. I'd tried forwarding my flight but they told me it was not possible because of the holidays season. I regret this matter deeply.

I offer my thanks for your co-operation and I hope no action will be taken against me.

Thank you.

Okay, so I bluff. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. Unless they read my blog some time after I'm done writing it. Even then they couldn't do anything since my 44% carry mark for Biology is already definite. And if you look beyond my inability to write a formal letter (and it's only a year plus since high school too, shame), you'll be able to appreciate the excellent excuse I'd managed to come up with. There's no way they would call MAS and asked.

Imagine my shock when Mr. Azlan said:

"So?"

It's not exactly the 2-syllable word I was expecting (or hoping). It should be o-kay.

"Um, so you shouldn't deduct my marks?"

"You expect me to give you your marks when you didn't even attend your lectures? You were supposed to attend class! This will effect your grades greatly."

Not a good start.

"It's not my fault! The lecturers agreed to postpone the classes until after New Year. I even went to see them personally to make sure of that!"

There's no need to mention I only met Mr. Saleem to arrange that. But he did agree! And my Chem lecturer said herself she'd only start after New Year. As for Bio, um, well, I was supposed to miss only 2 classes max. Supposed to.

"Then how come you still missed your classes?"

He glanced at my Bio lecturer who happened to sit nearby. Please please please don't ask her. If he asked her, then BIG trouble wouldn't even begin to describe my situation.

"Because there's this student in my class who called all the lecturers last minute and insisted on classes."

And turned up late for most of them, that jerk. Like I didn't know.

"You were still supposed to be there. I gave you 5 days of holidays. You're free to do whatever you wanted in that matter of time but when hols were over, you were supposed to come back,"

5 frigging days weren't enough!

"My parents wanted me to go back. And they couldn't purchase an earlier flight because they were fully booked. I even asked my friends to scan the lecture notes and send them to me through email so I could study!"

When in doubt, mention your parents. And those bits were true. Except for the study part.

"But still, you weren't there during the FRIM visit! I couldn't possibly give you the marks."

Oh? Now we're talking about the FRIM visit are we?

Ding dong!
Round one: Nisa won.

"Why not?? I'm going to do the report and assignments. I'm only asking for the attendance marks."

"No, you'll not do those. You can't send them in because you weren't there. You don't know the details."

"But it's a group assignment! I can refer to my friends' notes. They have the pictures and everything!"

"Those are your friends' notes. They were there. If I excuse you this time, there'll be other students who'll do the same." He sounded as exasperated as I was.

"The FRIM visit was an experience to help students to grasp the theories better. If they missed it, it's their lost. It's my lost. Not yours. And I told you, I didn't do it on purpose. I tried changing my flight but couldn't. I can look up on the net on the things I'd missed. I can even do extra credit."

This was not the time for pride. It was the time for adding-up-every-bullshit-you-could-think-of-in-order-to-come-up-with-something-convincing. I was real desperate here. I would search on the bloody trees if that's what it'd take.

"But you weren't there."

WHAT DID IT MATTER EVEN IF I WERE THERE?

"I am a good student. I never skipped classes (well, except for you-know-when), I did well during mid-term and quizzes and I handed in all my assigments. For the FRIM marks to pull my grade down isn't fair. Even the world has the court and the judge system. You don't go to court and get thrown into jail straight away. You go on trials and are given chances to say your defenses. That's fair."

Court and judge? Where did I get those?

"You weren't there." He sighed.

He would never shut up about that would he?

"Yeah and it wasn't my intention. I didn't do it on purpose. Everyone deserves a second chance. I won't repeat this again, I promise."

He was quiet for a moment.

"Let's say I'll give you the marks, how much do you think you deserve?"

Was this a trick question? Whatever it was, it's the kind of question I hate.

"Um, I don't know. I suppose.......quite a lot?"

"I'll discuss this with your lecturer."

Ding dong!
Round 2: Nisa might had won.

Oh FYI, Mr. Azlan is the Program Manager. He's also the one in charge of our hols which so far:

a) he either made it so brief (name 5 days for mid-sem holiday)

b) or arranged it so it clashed with other public hols (5 days- Xmas day, Hari Raya Haji, Saturday and Sunday. Only one day of REAL holiday. 2 weeks of sem hols- one week of CNY hols)

Any other reason NOT to loathe him? Except that I think he's a good lecturer when he's not busy threatening to deduct students' marks. Whatever.

Oh yea, I saved the best picture for the last:

Nature at its best

Grievous Affliction

2008-02-05T01:50:00.000+08:00

One of two missing students found dead
By Patrick Joseph
Two boys said to be pulled by currents while swimming in the sea national park

FOUND: Zaid’s body is taken to the national park centre

BINTULU: One of the two Form 4 students who were on a study tour to Similajau National Park, about 30 km from here, and feared drowned on Feb 2, was found about 3.45pm yesterday by a team from the Fire and Rescue Department (Bomba) and an emergency and rescue team on three jet skis.

The body of 15-year-old Zaid Mohd Dzulkhairi Julaihi was found some 200 metres from where he was last seen at 12.20pm on Saturday.

The other boy has been identified as 15-year-old Mohd Arif Abdul Rahman.
The search and rescue (SAR) teams formed by the police, marine police, Bintulu Port team, Shell, and Rescue 991 went into action soon after receiving news about the missing boys on Saturday afternoon.

Bintulu police chief, Superintendent Sulaiman Abdul Razak, who led the SAR teams, said they searched the jungle, beach, shore, sea, and also from the air.
“The SAR is still on, and we are using all means to locate the second boy,” he said, adding that Mohd Arif who was also believed to have drowned, had yet to be found.

On how the SAR moved, he said they used two helicopters belonging to the police and Shell, police boats and jet skis.

The two boys were among 30 Form 4 students of Kolej Tuanku Haji Bujang at Tanjong Lobang, Miri who had just completed their Penilaian Menengah Rendah (PMR) examinations last year.

Their study tour to the national park was organised by the school, and they were minded by two teachers and six senior students.
When asked why a group of 30 students were only guided by two teachers (a ratio of 1:15), Sulaiman said: “That was what we were told. We need to check further on the actual number of teachers in the tour.”

It was also alleged that the group arrived at the park about 9am that day, and walked seven kilometres through the jungle to Turtle Beach I. The walk takes three hours.

Zaid and Mohd Arif were said to be swimming in the sea, and though the water was only chest-deep they were pulled by strong currents.
Another student was said to have tried to stop them from drifting out, but he too experienced some difficulties.

A Shell helicopter based in Miri was sent to take part in the search. Coincidentally Zaid was the son of a Shell worker in Miri.

The search for the boys started as early as 5am yesterday (second day). On the first day, the search was called off due to heavy rain.
It was also said the parents of both boys were with the search and rescue team since day one.

According to Sulaiman, the search continued yesterday despite the darkness.
“The weather was kind to us, so we went on,” he said.

Everytime I read this piece, I feel sick. As if I'd eaten something foul for dinner but couldn't vomit them out. And it's weird considering I don't know who they were, or their family or anything. I just know they're students of Kolej Tun Datu Tuanku Haji Bujang, the school I once attended for 5 years. And that's enough for gorillas to hit the gong in my stomach.

But it's not only that. It's knowing they went there not knowing they were jungle trekking towards their death. It's knowing they were only 16 years old, only in form 4, only starting to live. It's knowing after CNY hols, their classmates and teachers will glance occasionally at their empty seats, wishing the 2 students are sitting they as they always did. And worse, it's knowing how scared they must had been when they were struggling with their lives.

Now that it occured, questions are brought up. It was when Terence (and everyone else) asked, "How come they were only 2 teachers?" 2 teachers and 30 students, went on a 7 km jungle-trekking, wasn't it too much? The questions make me nervous for my former school. They give way for people to doubt and raise more questions. The school's system, the principal, the teachers. 2 students died, and the consequences are what as they should be. This time, there wouldn't be any excuses.

Why they were only 2 teachers...for those who participated in camps organized by KTDTHB before, they should be aware that there are usually not more than 3 teachers supervising. Another why, but that's how it usually works. Only in this case, no, it didn't work. They should have been more teachers. That kind of camps were done before with maybe the same amount of teachers in charge and nothing happened. All went well and nobody bothered to comment on anything. But now when something DID happened, people start to dig for anything that could be the reason. Who could blame the parents? They need someone to vent out their anger. They need someone to blame and take responsibility for what had happened. And I guess the question "Why were there only 2 teachers?" sounded better than "Why did they go into the water when they weren't supposed to?". Nobody would be able to answer the latter. No matter how you look into it, it's still the adults that were supposed to be resposible.

Whatever questions are raised to attack and whatever defences are thrown back, the trip took two students' lives and nothing could change that.

Al- Fatihah.

I WANT MY PILLOW CASE BACK

2008-02-04T22:26:00.000+08:00

Parts of my new resolutions when I left secondary school were:

a) To control my emotions fully
b) And definitely no tantrums

I'm getting better at those.

I was settling myself comfortably on my bed, ready to start my Korean cds marathon. Only then I realised there were only 6 pillows. The 7th one; my pillow hug was missing. Anger was building up because I really really hated it if someone moved my stuff. My maid has to put up with my BRAT-OF-THE-WORLD act everytime she tidied my room because she usually don't put my stuff back where they belong. It'd usually end up with me asking crossly, "What's the point of a desk if not to put stuff on?" I don't mind if people use my things without my permission, really, as long as they're there when I want to use them. Otherwise, don't even bother.

Blaming myself for not realising this sooner, I went everywhere around the house looking for it. Everywhere accessible since the other rooms were already locked and they were already sleeping in their beds. I ignored the squirmy feeling and assured myself I'd ask my maid tomorrow. She of all people should know. Predictably, the first thing I did when I woke up was went to my maid's room.

"Kak, where's my pillow hug?"

"Try looking in your bro's room. I think I put it there."

Trying to ignore the annoyed feeling, I went.

Question 1: Why was it there?
Question 2: Why wasn't it on MY bed in MY room where, might I remind everyone, it should naturally be?
Question 3: Who the heck dare removed it??

To my huge relief, I found it on his bed. To my utter horror, it's naked without it's case.

Carrying my precious pillow hug, I went back to my maid's room.

"Where's the pillow case?" My layers of patience were holding on nicely.

"Your mum threw it away,"

I threw my head back and laughed; that's so illogical. I asked her to stop joking and tell me where my pillow case was.

"Really, your mum threw it away. If you don't believe me, ask your mum."

I went to the kitchen. She was busily baking some cake.

"Mum, did you throw my pillow hug's case??" I demanded. New resolutions could go to the bin.

She looked lost and said, "What are you on about? No I didn't."

"Kak Us told me you threw it away! My pillow hug's case!"

"Oh, that. I threw it away. I should throw your pilow hug as well, it's so old."

My pillow hug's case. The one gran made for me when I was still a baby. The one I had for more than 18 years. The one that had my name, sewed on by me on my first attempt of sewing when I was still a child. She might as well said she gave one of my rabbits away.

I broke down and cried.

So it's old. So the colours have faded and you couldn't see the pattern of white flowers against the baby blue anymore. That's my damn business and mine alone.

After a moment, my maid came into my room. She told me she had tried saving it when my mum told her to throw it away. That she hid it in the closet outside because she knew how much it meant to me. But then mum found it and scolded her for disobeying. Then she used it to stuff dead leaves. She said my mum couldn't understand the whole nostalgic business and that she's emotionless. Now I know where I got those traits from.

Only that I would never ever stuff dead leaves inside someone's pillow hug's case. There's a difference.

Funny how my maid knew me better than my own mother.

Volcano failed to errupt and hurricanes didn't blew the houses away. I didn't yell at my mum. I didn't throw the green Kamus Dewan: Edisi Ketiga (what a waste of RM 50) against the door. I didn't pretend I'd accidently smashed her precious teak chairs to the floor (she'd probably kill me anyway. And stuff me with dead leaves.) I didn't even sulk.

I just cried and cried like a kid that had lost her favourite toy. How mature was that huh.

I don't blame my mum. That's how she is. Hard on the outside and soft on the inside. Well, most of the time.

One thing is clear though; I'm bringing my pillow hug with me when hols are over. No way anyone's dirty hands are getting on it again.

Soap on a rope

2008-02-03T01:10:00.000+08:00

Things would be better if I don't have 2 panda eyes staring at myself in the mirror. And the panda eyes looked as if the pandas didn't get much rest either. I don't get what I'm ranting about myself.
Only that,

I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP.

This is just another of my many many phases of absurdness. So it's not a big deal. Oh yea, what was I going to talk about? Ahah, now I remember.

I did my usual sprinting-to-catch-the-plane today. It totally wasn't my fault last time; I was on the stand-by list and so, the whole running thing was acceptable. This time, I arrived earlier at KLIA; flight was at 1.15 pm, and I was already there by 11.50 am. That's like 25 minutes earlier before the checking in time right? There should be no reason for tardiness. Only that I got totally absorbed with my book, I lost track. The first time I checked the clock, it was 12:09 pm. The next time I glanced at it, it showed 12:40 pm. And to my horror, the checking in queue was long. Long long long. Dammit.

I imagined calling my parents up and telling them I'd missed my flight. Nope, not imaginable.
And so I queued up. I was one of the last passengers who checked in and so I got upgraded. Ahah! The book didn't do any harm after all. Well, not much harm anyway. Just cold sweats xD It's one of the been-there-done-that situations. So I knew the distance to the terminal gate and I knew I had to walk fast, if not run. Only this time, I was prepared; I wore sneakers. Last time it was bloody heels. I think I ran pretty fast for someone who was carrying a notebook, handbag and donuts. Back up-plan was never a bad thing. And sneakers of course.

Oh oh oh, I drove tonight! Yeaaaahh, after, um, I don't know how many months after I've had my license. But the months were many enough. I insisted on driving to Gran's even though it was dark and it was raining. Hey, I had to practice sooner or later didn't I?

This is the rule when I'm sitting in the driver's place ok: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE should stay home. They shouldn't be out there on the road, driving as well.

Seriously, I freaked out when there were other cars. Whenever a car was tailing behind me because I was going s l o w l y , I would think;

"That driver must think I'm an idiot and drives like an old granny."

Because that's what I would usually say when the car in front is driving 40 km/hr. In fact, old grannies probably drive better. Anyway, my point is, I should be worrrying more about crashing into other cars, or trees, or anything crashable really, and killing myself and my passengers rather than worrying what a blank-face-driver would have thought of me and my limited driving skills. Then I remembered that whenever one of my parents drove, I'd feel that I was in good hands. With me driving, they're clinging onto the seatbelts for their dear lives and looked as if they might encountered heart attacks soon enough.

So for now, I still remain a danger to myself and those around me.

A super duper interesting Thursday

2008-01-11T00:20:00.000+08:00

I spend my day......

8.00 am Alarm clock rang. Switched it off and made a mental note to wake

up 30 minutes later.

8.28 am Up and about to the toilet.

8.35 am Done taking my bath. The colder the water, the less time I took my time bathing.
It's FREEZING cold la.

8.50 am Made my usual breakfast of half a glass of Nestum.

9.00 am Dominated the study area as usual.

10.00 am Studied.

11.30 am Didn't budge even an inch from my chair.

1.00 pm Went out for lunch with my housemates.

2.30 pm Studied.

5.30 pm Studied.

6.00 pm Tidied my room and resume studying.

8.16 pm Took my bath and studied.

12.30 pm Felt I've studied enough and here I am.

I know, what a super duper interesting way to spend a rarely free Thursday.

Twaddles

2008-01-09T17:33:00.000+08:00

What's life without dramas right?

If you're too kind, you get stepped on. Nor can you be too mean. Everything must be balanced. Sometimes being the observer is interesting. You see things from a different angle. You can think rationally and make sense out of the illogical stuff. You deserve to not understand why some events occur. But if you're in their shoes, everything changes.

I believe things happen for a reason because there're lessons to be learned. Yes, there are some things in life that are just unforgivable. Even so, the unforgivable needs to be understood and accepted. Only then we could forgive. You see, everything happens for a reason. That includes the unforgivable ones.

Anyways, I'm too young to be philosophical. I don't know all there is too know but I'm allow to judge. I'm gonna be 19 this year! Huh, that's old. Then the year after that I'll be 20. That's even older!

My head's a mess. My life isn't but my head is. Assignments are piling up and finals are in 2 weeks. Lab tests are coming up. A lot of things seem so undone. And I'm hungry.

Happy Awal Muharram people =)

There goes it

2007-12-30T18:26:00.000+08:00

The Ataris goes: Only two more days until your birthday....

Ha! I wish. After you multiply the original 5 days of my mid-sem break, you get A WEEK AND A HALF. Then you subtract that further and it totals to, let me see, ahah. 2 DAYS. Less than 2 days in fact.

Hooray. Not.

I used to say to my mum; when I turn 18, I'm gonna pack all my things and leave home and never come back.
That was said during the not-so-good days. And obviously, the aftermath of reading too many fiction stories. Leave home and never come back my ass.

10 things I love about home:

1. I don't have to eat healthily. All the junk food and everything the not-veggies.

2. I could afford to be sick and still refused to take my medicine.

3. I can be fat and be totally be fine with it.

4. I can sleep at 4 am and wake up at noon WITHOUT setting the alarm clock.

5. Neverending supply of hot water.

6. In-satisfactory-condition room and messy bed.

7. Bibits!

8. F & F, family and friends- funny they come at number 8 but who cares.

9. Being back in Miri- and this, number 9. Again, WHO CARES?

And last but not least,

10. NO quizzes, NO tests, NO presentations, NO studying.

The FRIM visit was yesterday. I totally missed it. As much as jungle-trekking and Bio was fun, I would rather be in Mall, eating ice-cream and having pauses conversation with my old friends. Luckily the report and assignment are to be done in group. And luckily they haven't covered much on the other subjects. Now I can breathe. This should teach me to never self-extend my hols ever again. Bleh. As if that would happen.

Why is it that the others have months and months of hols while I only have 2 weeks of hols max? Maybe I've enrolled in the wrong place. Lol. After this, it'll be hectic. Make that hectic and hell. To cover 5-6 chapters in less than a month for 5 subjects. Let's see whether I'll have the time to call Dad crying and complaining on how I couldn't solve those physics questions.

Ah, at least I got some good memories this time.

+ Burnt cookies. Exploded egg in microwave. +

I'm starting to think microwave is a dangerous device after all.

Oh well, what else can I say. Fun time is over.

Moments play around

2007-12-28T12:38:00.000+08:00

Ever realised how things always turned out to be the opposites than the ones we wanted?

When we wish for the hands of the clock to stop moving, time seems to sprint after tomorrow without intolerance. When we look around desperately for the rainbow, grey clouds wave by. Beautiful moments in life especially, are not meant to last forever. Something worth fighting over, worth the tears and sweats, and worth the wait and patient. Seeing the stars present at night and absent during the day. The seconds of the sun rising and setting. To know that they're there, yet we couldn't keep them with us any longer than we would have wanted to.

Life has its own means when it comes to dealing with humans. One second we're high up in the air, wings fluttering with excitement, and the next we fall down to the ground with a thud. Toppling everything upside down, causing what was once steady to crash down on top of our heads. Then without any hint or warning, we find ourselves crawling through the mud we once carefully avoided. And then we said to ourselves, "Life is cheating on us.". On each one of us, life is constantly playing games. They could be pleasant at times, but they are, without doubt, temporary. We look up to the golden sun, shining its light so bright it's blinding and it hit us; maybe being temporary isn't such a bad thing at all.

We see far more of the thorns and weeds than we do of flowers. We work hard to tend to the lilies, to keep them blooming rather than for them to wilt and die. Then winter comes and take it all away. The sea of white, pink and blue. The breathtaking view, the sweet smelling that fumes the air but most of all, the time, money and energy spend. We blame nature. We curse the obvious unnoticed coming. But when spring comes, we find ourselves doing it all over again; planting the seeds, watering the plants, letting the colours liven the world once more. Even if we knew, one fine day, they would be wiped gone when the time came.

We threw our head back and laugh. Then halfway we stop, knowing the joy isn't there to stay. It will, one day, disappear. Is it wise to laugh now and cry later? Or do we neither laugh nor cry both now and later? Stop savouring moments to avoid the unwanted. Until enjoyment becomes a distant. Not worth it.

Various people live for various reasons. Living for him. Living for her. Living for that thing. When they screw their lives, then so do ours. When that thing gets loss, breaks or thrown away, then our lives end. We live for everything but ourselves. We stop doing things because we, for once, want them. We become puppets to our choosen masters. A reason to be controlled and to be on a leash. A reason to not have a mind of our own and to always have something to blame for. It is an idea that living shouldn't be based on anything. Not something that walks, breathes and solid.

Live for ourselves. Live for the moments which belong to ours and ours alone.

It's A Lullaby

2007-12-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

The nightlamp at a corner of the room is switched on, lighting the total darkness and creating a dim effect on the baby laying in its cot. Its mother sits beside, patting it with a look of affection on her face. The mobile hanging on top slowly spins around emitting a soft song, sending it to sleep....

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all

And then it grows up and no lullaby in the whole world could lull it to sleep as it used to before.

When you wouldn't sleep, wishing you don't have to. Refusing to shut your eyes and giving in to the exhaustion. You're afraid of what your dreams would tell you. You're afraid of knowing what you refuse to acknowledge. You're afraid to see the hopes building up. To discover and to embrace the hurt again. And you wish the beautiful dreams would drift away, replaced with the usual pitch darkness.

When you couldn't sleep, even when every cell in your body screams for rest. You're jumpy, you're restless and your mind just wouldn't shut down. You wish your body could work like an electronic device; plug the charger in and switch it on.

And yet, it could be your only zone of comfort. Waking up in the morning and spending the rest of the day looking forward to the moment when you could get under the duvet again. Anticipating eagerly for tomorrow to arrive, hoping to kill the passing moments. Just so you could shut everything out. Every single thought, every unwanted feeling, every lingering problem.

There will come a day when a lullaby is just a lullaby.

And the lights went..poof

2007-12-23T01:38:00.000+08:00

Funny how it seemed that wherever I went today had one thing in common; blackout. Parkson, Mall, and yeah, even Cafe Rosita.
When the lights went out in Parkson just now, I could only come out with one word to describe it : COOLNESS. Besides, how many times could you experience blackout in a shopping mall? Not many, that's how many. And just after The Golden Compass has ended too! Perfect timing. Only after a while, the enjoyment started creeping away. How were you supposed to buy stuff when it's even hard to look at them? And I was sweating. That, above all, did not spell cool.

Being that, we (Ct and A-g and me) decided to go to Mall. It was the nearest place to hang out anyway. Only to discover that, tadaaa, there's no electricity there too. But there's ice-cream which was good enough for me and the air-con was slightly cooler (good back-up power yeah) but again, we ended up doing nothing. Most of the shops were already closed or being closed so we decided to call it a day.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention the outmost important part of all: Today in history, 22nd December 2007, I, Nurisa Bt Mohd Sabri was not only EARLY for once- I was the EARLIEST one. Ha! Take that Mr. Smarty Pants! I took extra efforts to make sure of that knowing that a certain someone would have an endless list of complaints- which I'd have to hear until the day I die- if I was late for the 100th time. And also, just so he couldn't use his trademark excuse, "I knew everyone else was gonna be late anyway.". Bwahaha. Big fat evil laugh.

And oh, for Muslims, Grand Palace Hotel isn't halal anymore. Their halal certificate was withdrawn since Best Western restaurant shared its kitchen with the chinese restaurant upstairs. Just a passing information. There goes my second favourite restaurant......NOT. I have no idea why my parents love it there, I for one, HATE it. The food are nice, no doubt but... the lights are too dim. That's the main reason why I used to skip our family dinner. Good food or not. Give me kedai mamak anytime. At least they have the common sense to switch on the lights. Speaking about that and relating to the blackout in Cafe Rosita, and so, we had our romantic candlelight dinner. I did mention about hating dimmed lights earlier didn't I?

Another day

2007-12-21T01:40:00.000+08:00

At last I can sit down and blog. After sweeping the floor, did the dishes and laundries and a number of other things. Save the jaw-dropping-OMG-I-couldn't-believe-she-did those reaction because those are what I've just done.

My maid's not here and someone had to do those okay.

Hari Raya Aidiladha. 80% of the food were imported from Gran's house. Except for the roasted lamb, baked cheese cake and mixed veggie with cream cheese. An applause for my mum for whipping those up last minute. At least it wasn't such a disaster. Haha. I doubt I could do those- I'd burnt her cookies last night by setting them at 3 minutes in the microwave instead of 30 seconds. Needless to say, I managed to stink the whole house on my first day back.

Some things just never change.

By the way, can you believe she said I lacked common sense??
How could she! My own mother!
Just because I scrubbed the potatoes by hands instead of using the green sponge. And spreading butter on those using a knife instead of using the brush thingy.
How should I know! Then Dad piped in saying I needed to learn or else I wouldn't be able to cope in the future. Which is why I must make enough money to hire a maid. Easy peasy.
Oh well. At least they sounded worried instead of insulting. That I can accept.
Maybe I should start worrying as well. On a second thought, let's save that for the future. I have other things to worry about.

Like trying to stay awake because I'm already sleepy right now. Slept at 2 am yesterday. Hmm.. what was I doing? Oh. Playing Warcraft. Then Mum had to wake me up at 7.42 am. Something concerning the tea set. I ignored her but my guilt prevented me from going back to sleep and so I set to the kitchen.

"Where's the tea set?"

"I washed them already."

Yeah, it was already on the dining table. Whoopy.

"I'll go back to sleep then."

As if. By 11.30 am, I still haven't taken my retainer off, brushed my teeth or washed my face. And I was still in my nightgown. Gross.

We had lunch at Gran's. She's the caterer of the day, lol. She even dropped by just now to send more food. Something tells me we'll be using the microwave a lot in the next few days. Stayed there until four something where I managed to stuff myself and took a short nap. I blame the bread. It was so soft!

Anyway, finished another book today. Then then then, it was my duty to clear the table. I was trying to figure out how to wash the dishes since there were a lot when Zahir came into the kitchen, rolled the sleeves of his dark purple baju Melayu (despite me going around the house announcing the theme of the day was RED), and offered to wash half of them.

Whoa. The world must had turned upside down.

"Why would you wanna do the dishes?"

"In life, we must give and take."

Give and take my foot. He only knows how to take. Give, apparently, has never registered in his dictionary. His biggest contribution whenever our maid's not around so far is throwing the garbage out once in 2 days. I wasn't going to say no though. So he did half of them while I completed my other chores.

Huhu. He's worst than Mum. And she's like the most immaculate person I've ever known. He took 30++ minutes just to wash 5 plates! I was tapping my fingers impatiently on the sink and trying to convince him to let me finish but he was all, "See, there's so much oil!".
Still, it was sweet of him to volunteer. Maybe he's not as spoiled as I thought. Maybe.

You know what's so unusual this time? Despite of my bro helping out, there wasn't so much tension in the air. Normally when my maid went back, everyone would be all tensed and twitchy because of the chores needed to be done. And normally, Zatyfaty and Zahir wouldn't even lift a finger. But this time, everyone helped out. Even Hani- she made Milo. It was a bit too sweet but nevermind that. Lol. It's only after dinner and already she went around asking about breakfast since my parents are working tomorrow. I thought she was supposed to be on a diet or something. A 7 year-old kid like her has only 4 things on her mind; food, channel 611-616, online games and animes. Soon she'll be starting on mangas. Who could blame her right?

So far, I'm enjoying this.

It's already way past midnight and I need to take a bath.
Toodles.

STUPID IDIOT MORON HIPPOPOTAMUS DUGONG KANCIL

2007-12-19T17:46:00.000+08:00

I always told my friends, if I were to die, then the biggest possibility was me being hit by a car. Or anything that has to do with cars really. Because unfortunately, my senses don't include cars.

BLOODY KANCIL

There. And maybe I could blame Yazid as well while I'm at this. He was the one who drove anyway. The moment I arrived in Miri, and he already tried to kill me. Or in his words, "pulled a stunt so that I would never ever drive,". Yea, rite.

He was trying to catch the traffic light; it showed green. It was raining and he was speeding. Then a stupid bug of a Kancil suddenly appeared from the left, and it was speeding as well. AND the driver didn't even bother slowing down when he/ she saw an Unser coming. Seeing that, bro tried braking but that didn't work so he had to
swerve to the right, right into the next lane.

The road was slippery.

And the car spinned 245 degrees.

Then he swerved the car back into the left lane, and it jerked as if something had hit it. But thank God nothing did and we were all still alive.

STUPID IDIOT MORON HIPPOPOTAMUS DUGONG KANCIL
That goes to its driver as well.

Not a word about that to Mum okay.

Oh. She's asking me to make Earl Grey tea for Dad.

So.

How do you make tea?

Read and WEEP people

2007-11-22T22:06:00.000+08:00

MOVE TO MAKE SURE ALL DOCTORS HAVE REQUIRED SKILLS
By AUDREY EDWARDS

PUTRAJAYA: Newly-qualified doctors will have to undergo two years' compulsory housemanship from next year. Currently, they only have to do a year of housemanship.
Health Minister Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek, who announced the Cabinet decision yesterday, said the move was considered important to increase the knowledge, skills and experience of graduate medical officers.
“This will improve the quality of services and healthcare standards,” he said.
A rotation system of four months in six departments will be implemented. With the newest inclusion being the accident and emergency department, the rest are medical, paediatric, general surgery, orthopaedic, obstetrics and gynaecology.
“We have observed that in the past few years, about three to five per cent of graduate medical officers do not get full registration because they have weaknesses in knowledge or skills,” he told reporters before chairing his ministry’s post-Cabinet meeting.
“We cannot let this continue. We hope the move is seen as a positive one by future graduates and we are confident the rakyat (people) will support us.”
After the two-year housemanship, the doctors would have to serve their three years' compulsory service with the Government or its agencies, he said.
Dr Chua said the ministry would apply to the Government to place them under the U43 grade upon completing the two years' housemanship compared to the current U41. The U43 pay scale is RM500 more than U41.
He said the doctors would be able to pursue their specialist courses or Master’s after serving two years' compulsory service compared to the current situation whereby they can only apply to further their studies after three years.
About 1,200 local medical students graduate annually.
Dr Chua also announced the Cabinet’s decision to disallow the future setting up of private cord blood banks because while it was a new service with huge potential to treat specific diseases, there were still ethical issues to be scrutinised.
He said the existing centres would have to apply for a licence from the ministry within the next two months and would be registered under the Private Healthcare Facilities and Services Act 1998.

Let's see.... 2 years plus 3 years is.........

5 YEARS

My calculations were completely screwed.

Vi: Nisa, let's migrate.

Nisa: *nodded enthusiastically*

Why oh why?

Whatever.

Sleeping, or studying. Those are what I'm suppose to do right now. Instead, I'm blogging.
My last entry was 3 weeks ago. Huh. Didn't realise it was that long *liar liar pants on fire*
I kept signing in and out without knowing what to write. I'm too tired too figure out life nowadays. And I feel guilty when I go online. But now I'm too exhausted to care.

I hate Thursdays.

8 am - 5 pm. Bio, Math, Physics, Chem.

I like Fridays.

Only 2 hours of lab.

I guess, physics is important....ok,ok. I KNOW it's important.

ilikephysicsilikephysicsilikephysicsilikephysicsilikephysicsilikephysicsilikephysicsilikephysics

Mid-sem exams are in 2 weeks. After that, another month and a half to go and then....... NO MORE PHYSICS, YAY!

I like physics konon. Pfft.

I have nothing more to say.
How boring.
Tata.

First week

2007-11-03T14:28:00.000+08:00

The smell of rain. It's raining. Again.

Class started last Monday. For some reason, I felt dread. And I found myself thinking, where's the excitement I usually had before the first day of school?
Ladening my brand new bagpack with books, my new pencilcase (every year without fail =P) and the insomnia I usually had on the night before school started. Where were those?
I realised with a pang, they didn't exist anymore. It's a feeling I wouldn't experience for a long time after this. And I miss it.

This one whole week felt like a month. It seemed long. The quietness in this house, instead of being comforting, feels eerie. Vi and I are the only people here. My other housemates wouldn't be back until next weekend. After 8 am-5 pm of classes for the day, walking into an empty room seems depressing. It's as if the four walls are crushing me. The quietness. The loneliness.

Dread. Depressed. Lonely.
Yup, that's about enough to sign me up for a mental institution.

Please support my petition to burn IMMS down

2007-10-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it.

I failed the goddamn driving test.

Just kidding. I passed.
That's it. I passed. No juicy story behind it.
Oh who am I kidding. Of course there is one. Otherwise I wouldn't bother mentioning it here.

It started like this.........
I woke up at 7 am on Wednesday morning. Make that 7.10 am; I hit snooze once. Took a bath and got ready. Then I waited for my driving instructor to pick me up at 8 am.

8.09 am Switched on the tv.

8.17 am Still waiting.

8.32 am Still waiting.

8.42 am A honk sounded.

Anyways, I got onto the car. She was talking on the phone about an urgent matter. She mentioned the word URGENT. Like I cared. She's bloody late. That was until she turned to me and uttered these words: I thought your driving test was tomorrow. 24th is today. And now we're late. Sorry, it's my fault.
At that moment, I TRULY cared. My throat and lips went dry (actually, maybe it was because I was fasting). I started shaking (darn, I knew I should have put a sweater on).

" We'll try and ask whether we can postpone yours to tomorrow."

All those signs instantly subsided. Ok, so maybe they didn't have anything to do with fasting or the rain.

Less than 10 minutes away from IMMS,
" Do you have your flight ticket with you? We may need it to support our plead." She sounded like she's in court. No, of course I didn't have it with me. Who goes around carrying flight ticket in their bags? Not when the flight's still 4 days away. So we went back to my house to fetch it and headed to JPJ. She kept saying it's her fault which was good because a) she was the one who got the dates mixed up, not me and b) she's the one who was late. We met a certain En. Hairul and got my form re-printed. Turned out, my original form was cancelled because I didn't show up on time and I still had to take the test that day. But instead of number 22, I got the last turn.

Smooth. Real smooth.

By the time I waited at IMMS, I was one nervous wreck. I'd only went on that hill thingy for 3 times! And what if I'd forgotten the test roads? It's been 2 months for God's sake.
*Breathing exercise; breathe in deeply, and breathe out. Repeat 3 times.

Waited for a while. And then came my turn. Little hill, little kancil's coming. Little kancil started climbing the little hill. Then braked. Pulled the handbrake up, released brake- fuh. Then came the hard part. Recalled the steps; pulled handbrake up, hit gas, released clutch slowly until the car jerked and maintained, added more gas and pulled handbrake down. The car started going backwards.

Fuck.

I hit brake instantly. Both tyres were still in the yellow line. Ok, one more time. Step 1, step 2, step 3, step 4, step 5. Little kancil's started going down the little hill merrily. Succeeded. Then I accomplished parking the car and the 3-point turn. Easy.
Went inside and sat down. Clock showed 12.33 pm. Waited for the road test. 2 JPJ officers, 2 Kancil, 32 candidates. You do the math.

waitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaited.

A woman actually brought her own cushion seat. Lol.

waitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaited.

A black Satria arrived. Out came a woman and her daughter. The daughter's driving instructor approached them. The woman said, " Eh, we could do this inside. It's really hot here." to which the man gave her an amused look and deliberately tried to soothe her that it's not that hot. Well, yeah, it just stopped raining. Waving her hands at her daughter, she said, "Mesti jaga kulit. Panas, panas. Jom masuk dalam,"

So people like that really do exist. Wow.

Enough already about weird people.

waitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaitedwaited.

Dad and Mum arrived at 4.30 pm to fetch me. The thing was, I still hadn't sat for the test. Dad offered to go through the road tests and I agreed. Big mistake. Big big mistake. He drove like how I would drive. 40 km/hour, signalled at every turn, stopped at every junction. When you're the passenger, it just made you impatient. And it made you told your dad that showing Road B was good enough and that you should return to IMMS for fear of missing your turn.

Yeah, I was bluffing. I knew there were still 6 others before me.

My dad stayed with me. By that, I really meant it. He stood next to me, talked to my driving instructor and her husband, gave advices, asked whether I could do it, gave some more advices. Suddenly I felt like I was sitting for SPM all over again. Only that he's not holding a KFC plastic bag. And I realised, it was small things like this that I would miss when I'm back in Shah Alam. Having your dad picking you up from school, asking for your parents' permissions before going out (not that I ever did that but this is just an example). Stuff like that.

Finally, at 5.59 pm, my turn came. That's ONE MINUTE TO SIX. Which meant I waited for approximately FIVE HOURS AND THIRTY MINUTES. Oh well, at least by this time there wouldn't be too many cars. That's what I thought.

That's what I thought.

"Pergi jalan B."

Thank God.

The sun bid goodbye and the moon came up. It was bloody dark making me hard to see the roads even with the headlights on (curses to our stingy government) and there were A LOT OF CARS. The traffic was horrendous. Damn, damn.

I think I did pretty well.

So now, I have my P license kept in my wallet along with my many many credit cards. Ahah! As if =P

Never will I go behind the driving wheels again.

Just kidding.

In Her Eyes

2007-10-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

It was cloudy and chilly. The kind of weather you'd get after it'd just stopped raining. I sat outside on the plastic chair. The wind was blowing softly, the trees and grass were following it's rhythm. One of the perfect moments in life. I thought nothing could spoil it.

Until I saw her.

I was watching the leaves lying on the road. Brown, crisp, dead. Yet they're still so pretty. Someone was sweeping them. Collecting them in small piles and sweeping them into a dustpan. Then the wind would blow and the leaves would scatter all over again. Lying quietly on the road to be swept by the same person. I thought whoever assigned that task to her was a moron. Leaves grow and fall off trees. Every single day. No matter how you sweep them, they would always be there. Even so, watching her sweeping the leaves wrapped me with an odd sense of calmness. I could feel she liked doing it. That it's not merely a part of her job. It was like watching someone trying to pick up the remaining pieces of her life. One leaf to yet another leaf. It was like watching someone who made unintended mistakes in her life, and tried desperately to put it back together.

I saw her the day before. That day, I was sitting inside. And I saw her. She was going through the bin, collecting leftovers of people's lunch. She put them in a tiny see-through pink plastic bag. I only saw rice, nothing more. Would that end up being her lunch?

Another time, I saw her standing, staring outside the glass windows. She stood there for a long time. Until it made me wonder what could she possibly be watching, or thinking. I watched her emptied the dustbins, picking up any empty can she could find. Watched her cleared the dirty dishes away, watched her wiped the glass doors. I watched her cycled home, her much-prized cans tucked neatly away in the basket attached to the front of her bicycle. What could possibly, a person like her, wanted more out of her life? Were they the same as mine?

Reach for the remote control and you could see people suffering in other countries. Pick up the newspapers and read headlines on those who are being terrorised. We do both. We donate. We show our sympathies. And yet we could ignore those that are happening close to us.

It was only a woman. Dressed in an old faded-tshirt. A tracksuit that was 2 sizes too small for her. Rubber slippers. None of which I would be caught wearing even at home. But somehow, somehow, something about her touched me. Here's someone within my reach. Here's someone I could offer my hand to. Even so, I still couldn't pluck up the courage to do that. To buy her a decent meal instead of eating bin food. I didn't have the nerve to talk to her, to question her, to understand her view on life. Here's a woman who has to sacrifice her dignity, for a scrap of food.

A story of a woman who'd earned my respect.

Where Rainbow Ends

2007-10-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

Yes! YES!

They finally got together!
By they, I meant Rosie Dunne and Alex Stewart.
By referring to them, I was talking about the characters in Where Rainbows End.
And of course, they don't really exist.
But I don't care because I was right.

That book was really trying my patience:

1. They've known each other since they're 5 years old and you knew instantly they're meant for each other. Not that they knew that.

2. They've had, not one, not two, not a couple BUT A ZILLION OF WRONG TURNS before realising that.

3. Page 489; wow, they're still NOT together. It's really annoying when you knew perfectly well they would in the end.

4. The last 3 and a quarter pages summed it all. There you go. A happy ending =)

Who cares if they're 50 years old?
Who cares if they're too stupid to realise it sooner?
It's one of the books which I would normally say, just get it over and get married already.
I know, I can be such a bitter person sometimes. If not all the time. Lol.
Still, kudos to Cecelia Ahern. It was fab.

Whenever Zatyfaty heard me sighed in my reading, she went, "They're still not married yet?"
Sighed again.
"They never will,"

I proved her wrong! Or at least, the author did. Because, they finally got together! Oh, I've mentioned that. This was just like the time before Harry Potter And the Deathly Hallows copies were released and I, like the rest of HP fans, was confident Harry wouldn't die, nor would any of his friends. That fact was enough to send terrors to millions of children around the world. I didn't think there were enough beds in the hospitals. Nor were there enough psychiatrists. And J.K Rowling wouldn't be that mean anyway. Me and my obsession of Harry Potter. I so need to GROW UP. But while we're on the subject...I totally, utterly and completely detest Daniel Radcliffe. Ok, so maybe not in real life. I hate the fact that he's playing Harry Potter. Harry Potter and Daniel Radcliffe are two completely different person. And he sucked in the movies anyway. Because the movies themselves sucked. So I love Harry Potter but not Daniel Radcliffe. And I need to stop rambling if I don't want his publicist to sue me for harrasing him. Which I already did.

Anyway, I'm knackered. I feel knackered. Gone were the days when I could just sit in my room doing nothing but read all day. Hello to the days where I'll have to spend my free times revising. So I make it my mission to read as many books as possible before those bitter moments arrive. And spending my Dad's money on them instead of mine. As if it's not his money I'm spending there. Haha.

Oh yeah, for those who haven't read the books, I really don't advise you guys to read this post and if they say, "Why didn't she type that at the beginning of the post??", then they're completely missing the point. I know, I'm evil xD

Wow..so NOT

2007-10-17T19:23:00.000+08:00

It's the 5th day of Raya.

Raya's pretty much over for me really. Not for them apparently. It's so not. Because I'VE BEEN FORCED TO ATTEND EVERY SINGLE FAMILY GATHERING SINCE MORNING. Oh, pardon me. It's EVER SINCE THE FIRST DAY OF RAYA.
It's not that I hate spending time with my family, especially the ones on my mum's side. But if you've been doing that FOR 5 DAYS IN A ROW, you'll eventually get sick of them. The same old faces. At every single open house. It's enough to drive me crazy.

Ok, like today. When I found out they're holding a cousin's birthday party in Boulevard this afternoon, all I thought was, "Crap. How am I gonna get out of this." Oh, did I mention I was at a cousin's open house at that time? And the thought of meeting them again that afternoon practically killed me. Anyway, so I messaged my friends, trying to form a last-minute plan to hang out together. But something came up and it was cancelled.

Crap crap crap.

It's not like anyone forced me to go but...
People were bound to ask. And I didn't want my Mum to say, "Oh, she's at home. She didn't want to come." And trust me, that's what Mum would say even if she's my dear and only one mother.
?
That answer's so not cool. Not when Gran's there.
If she said, "She's out with her friends....," then that would sound like I couldn't attend. Not because I wouldn't. That could make a lot of difference.
It's all about REPUTATION.

Anyway, I couldn't get out of that birthday party. So I went. There're kids everywhere. Like 15 of them. One look at them and I instantly got a headache. Don't get me wrong. I like kids. I might adopt one or two when I'm all grown up. But not these kids.
Thank God I brought a book with me.
So there I was, in the middle of Sugar Bun, reading Sophie Kinsella's. I got a couple of amused questions, but.. sod off. Like I care. I wanted to read that book.
They are cousins I like. And they are cousins I don't. To those I don't, ha! Dad's always saying stuff like, we're a family bla bla bla.
We only share the same blood. It's unavoidable. Other than that, they're complete strangers. Big deal. That's it Dad. It's not complicated really.

It's Rayaaaaa

2007-10-12T21:08:00.000+08:00

Hm.
Both Rina and Ct aren't gonna be in town for Raya.
Hm hm hm.

Waaaaa, there goes my best two buddies.

It's weird aite? It's like,

From city >> kampung >> kampung

I wouldn't know. I don't have one. Or any as a matter of fact.

Cheers.

But, you know, once I finally got over that...

OMG! It's finally Raya!!

P.S: You know what's soooo annoying? Arranging tiny pineapple tarts into a BIG JAR.
Bless those tarts. Happy Raya folks!

Her name was Toru II

2007-10-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

That's Toru-the-second. Because she really was the second Toru.

Her fur, a mixture of white and grey. She was beautiful.

Even when she's all skin and bone, she was still beautiful.

Remember, the first time I saw her?

Mum just bought her from the pet shop.

She was in a box. 3 months old. She was so small, she would fit right into my palm.

I squealed in delight. Jumping up and down.

She was a baby and she looked so pretty.

That was 3 years ago.

She's been with me since she was still a baby. From a baby to a mother.

I was so proud of her.

I didn't know how long I sat in the garden last night.

Cuddling her and persuading her to eat.

I didn't know how long I sat there and cried.

The wind was strong. And it was cold.

I wanted, if it was her last night, then..

Let her enjoyed it. Let her felt at home.

Let her felt the grass. Let her felt the wind.

For one last time.

She laid still in my arms.

She didn't even have the energy to run about. Like she used to.

I never saw any of my rabbits being so thin before. Only too fat.

But last night, she was so thin.

Did she know she was dying?

I willed her to be strong. Only until the next morning. So Dad could bring her to the vet.

But as always, she didn't listen to me.

She never listened to me.

She was one of my rabbits who lived long enough.

For me to come to know and love.

I loved her as my own daughter.

And her death,

left me heartbroken.

4 am sahur + fireworks

2007-10-10T04:28:00.000+08:00

I couldn't sleep. I had meant to post this entry for days but, you know, was too lazy. Hehe. So here goes:

My exams had ended and I was going home that afternoon. So my housemates decided to celebrate it by waking me up for sahur, knowing fully well I never woke up for sahur before. Okayyy...nevertheless, it was fun. And nice as well since all of them acted as if they're done with their exams too =)

+ This was the day before. See, they spoiled my sleep for 2 days +

+ Kak Ai yang poyo! +

+ I always wonder, how could anyone eat rice early in the morning? Hmm.. +

+ A gnome spitting fire =] +

+ Chances were, the bus wouldn't show up at 4 am +

+ Watch it! +

+ My wand was creating fire sparks! Ah, all those years of training! +

+ See, told you she's poyo +

Nearing six, we went up to our rooms to take a bath and perform Subuh prayer. All of us were drenched in sweat and er, kindda stinked as well. Haha. After that we hung out at the lounge. Some did their revisions, some watched tv, and some, like me watched tv + did her laundry in the laundry room. Then I had to leave to catch my flight.

Now, sleeping seems like a good idea.

Jack

2007-10-09T23:53:00.000+08:00

Waking up this morning (afternoon should be it :P), I felt, at last, I was ready for Raya. The house looked as if it had been hit by a bomb a minute before. Things were all out of their places. Things to be dusted, to be polished, to be cleaned, to be put away etc.. the usual a-couple-of-days-before-raya scene. I felt completely right at home.

It also hit me with a realisation that within the next couple of days, Mum would be nagging at me to tidy up my room. Ah. Bother. What's the point really? People won't be coming to our house to visit my bedroom. Raya is suppose to be about mengeratkan silaturrahim and all those mushy stuff right? So the tidiness of my room shouldn't be an issue. Besides, no matter how I tidied it up, it always looked as if it's been hit by a continuous earthquake. An earthquake which, FYI, only affected my room and not the other parts of the house.

Anyway, I came across Jack today.
This, people,

is Jack. It's a puppet. It's also my little sister dearest companion. At least, it used to be. I remember, someone gave it to her on her very 1st birthday. I couldn't remember who. That was 6 years ago. For some reason, my sister favoured it the most. Clinging to it practically 24/7 a day, and like most kids, she wouldn't be able to sleep without it. Even when we went travelling, my mum would make sure Jack wasn't left behind. This went on for months and since Mum had troubles pulling those two apart, especially since Jack needed regular washing, she bought my sis another similar one. A Jack whose colours weren't faded. A Jack who didn't need patching up. Another Jack. A new Jack. But it was futile, because she didn't want that new Jack. She wanted her old Jack. So the new Jack was kept on my mum's sidetable, untouched.

All of us knew who Jack was. Sometimes, we'd steal or hide it from her. Just for the sake of watching her looking for it. Or trying to shake her out of that habit. It wasn't necessary though, because after a few years, she grew out of it. How? I do not know. She just grew out of it. She didn't throw Jack away, or give it away like most of the toys Jack's age. She kept it in her toy cabinet. As for the new Jack? I don't have the slightest idea concerning it's whereabout. She never took on another plushie after that.

Tonight, I found Jack again. When I showed it to her, she immediately took it and cuddled it to sleep. Just like she used to.

It was then I realised, that we've been going through the same experience over and over again in our lives. There are things we once LOVED and TREASURED. Things which left impacts on us. Things we couldn't possibly live without. Be it 10 days, or 10 months, or even 10 years, they were things we couldn't possibly replace. As time rolled by though, we grew out of them didn't we? But they would never be forgotten. Like Jack, being stashed in a drawer. And memories, stashed in our minds.
One fine day, we would come across those memories once more. One fine day, our past will eventually catch up on us.

But what if I didn't find Jack?

Letters .Words. Sentences.

2007-10-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

Always regret the things you did do, never the things you didn't.

I always make it a point, a line of words as a reminder. I used to say, to not repeat it, the act of the past. That single sentence, the core from with it came from. The beginning.

But now I'm confused. Now I'm starting to question. Everything has crumbled. Only to reveal the shoulds. And the shouldn'ts. The dos and don'ts. The what ifs and if onlys.

Is that the truth? Should I learn from now on, to accept it as a part of my life? The part that I once saw as myself. Start seeing. Start hearing. And stop dreaming.

I don't want to. I wouldn't.
I want to live that dream.
...yet I don't know how.
Where should I start?
What should I do?

It's a jigsaw puzzle lying on the floor. Pieces all over the place.
I couldn't solve it.

R for Ramadhan, R for Raya

2007-09-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

With the arrival of Ramadhan, I feel a sense of calmness. A calmness which, no matter how havoc life seems to be, would never go away. And with that, I give my thanks to God. Of course, there's also the fact that after Ramadhan, it's Raya =P
Saturday. Bliss. 1 quiz, 2 exams and a presentation are over. Huh. And next week, I have 2 more tests. Yikes. Since this semester is almost ending (approximately 2 weeks left before finals, YAY), the lecturers are rushing to finish the syllabus and tests and quizzes. Which is why my days are packed with those.

Ramadhan here seems different. It is different. I try not to think how the atmosphere usually is at home during the breaking of fast. Food, food and food. A maid serving. The whole family eating together almost everyday. A rare sight. Okay, I'm thinking about it now. Here, I've to buy and find my own food. And since I'm fasting, I become more picky when it comes to food.

Limited space -> Limited food intake

Get it? Lol. So food selection must be done with extra precise and care. Hehe.

It doesn't seem long since the last Ramadhan. It was only last year. No, it's not even a year. Come to think of it, we've been going through Ramadhan every year. And yet with each year, it becomes even more special, even more meaningful. I remember during my childhood, fasting because my parents asked me to. And I would sneak into the kitchen, open the fridge and take a sip of drink xD But now, there's more to this month than eating and drinking. I mean, think logically. An early breakfast, a skipped lunch and dinner, right? So there's no fuss really with all the hunger and thirst. What important is, to control your thoughts, actions and words. It's not easy, but it's achievable. And I'm trying. Being a better person, changing along with the flowing days, because..well, because it's a normal process. That's that.

I hate to think that after this, I've to complete my Malaysian Studies assignment. If I knew, I would have choosen another topic. Haih.

Drizzle

2007-09-03T20:55:00.000+08:00

Zaza said I was 'warak' *eyebrows arched*- the highest level as a Muslim, according to her. So I asked, what did religion mean to her. She paused for a while before answering, religion's just something to believe in. I fell silence. Islam isn't just something to believe in. Religion isn't something just to believe in. It's ad din; the way of life. Preach what we're taught. That's what differentiates us from the others. Otherwise, A Buddhist could be a Christian. A Christian could be a Muslim. In the end, they're just names. I don't think a lot of people would agree to that.
It's raining again. It's been raining everynight lately. Sometimes, I couldn't help but think. Couldn't help but wonder. Couldn't help but ask. Up to now, I'm still doing all those. It's hard when questions are asked. I don't know what to answer. They wouldn't believe me anyway. Nobody ever did. But well, everyone's different right? And right now, smiling is a lot easier than answering. Being secretive, isn't who I want to be. Here, I'm starting new. Fresh as a leaf, crisp as a chip. I don't have the answer to everything, much as I want to. The past, the present, the future. They're all equally important. Without one of those, I'd fall. And if that happens, I'm not sure I could get up once more. I'm not sure I would want to.
Sometimes I wish, I could lie down under a big tree. Without having these thoughts in me. Yet sometimes I wish, I could let it all out. For once and for all, and never look back. I intended to do that. People made it look so easy. But it's not. I still do. But what's there in the past?
I try not to question myself anymore. I have to believe in everything I do. Even if the path's there, I wouldn't want to go back. I wouldn't want to choose something else. I wouldn't want everything to be different. Everything's fine the way it is. Only, am I fine with it? Doesn't matter. As long as I can still laugh. As long as I can still smile. As long as I can still hope. Fear of hopes being crushed. Fear in believing. Those were in the past. They might come true, they might not. It could rain everyday for all I care. Because you know what? I know the sun will be there tomorrow. Always.

Afar

2007-09-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder. When I looked out of the window, and saw people milling around. Just how different we are? What hurt me may not hurt them. How does sensitivity work? I don't know.
I spend all day with Rina today. We were searching for, ehem, 'the bag' which remains non-existent so far. Who cares >_< I was just glad we're able to hang out. Like how we used to. Back in Miri, back in Labuan. Someone who's almost like family. I spend last night at Roy's. Then we got lost trying to find my aunt's house =P
The cold nights in matriculation. Haha. It's funny thinking about those now. Cold nights. We're going to experience that wherever we go. Just have to deal with them. Well, we managed to get through those didn't we? Hm, you know what I miss the most about Labuan? My pink water ladle! It used to be so cute. Lol.

One thing after another

2007-08-31T02:36:00.000+08:00

I never thought of this before but come to think of it, I never mentioned this blog to anyone anymore. Not to my new friends. Not during NS, not during matriculation, definitely not while I'm in KUTPM. I don't even know why. Just because. There's no reason to expose yourself further to the world. There shouldn't be any. To me, the only thing that matters, is knowing. How things happened, how much you've changed. Realising how immature you once were, and who you are now. Self-realisation.
I'm drained. Classes started at 8 am and ended at 4.30 pm. Spend the whole day in Annex. Today, I went back to my room on purpose to use the toilet. Ha! Didn't want last week's incident to happen again. I drank plenty of PLAIN WATER that day. It was raining heavily and the class was air-conditioned. Add all those, it could only mean one thing; I needed to pee, badly. I did survey the toilet there, twice but I couldn't bring myself to use it. God knows how picky I am. The next gap of class was at 2 pm-the clock showed 1.40 pm. There's no way I could wait for another 20 minutes. Asking the lecturer to excuse me so I could pee was a definite no. There was no way out ( I love exaggerating don't I?), so I stood up, umbrella in hand and blatantly walked past the lecturer who was, at that time, was still lecturing. The fact that he was standing in front of the door didn't help. That was rude, yea, but I was out of options. I braced the 15 minutes walk to my room and walah, mission accomplished.
Okay, I'm tired. Sleep sleep.

Golden Chiffon

2007-08-20T16:37:00.000+08:00

Orientation week had ended last Saturday. It was..well, it sucked a little as how orientation should be. All those briefings, bleh. And that birthday gimmick on Friday, haha. I was scared to death, thanks to the fcs who actually yelled at us. Turned out the whole thing was a gimmick. I would have been pleasantly suprised had I not knew it earlier; they did the same gimmick in NS. Jauh perjalanan, luas pemandangan. Lol. But it was still nice of them.
Currently I have 2 roommates and 5 housemates. Now, I have 6 kakak where as before this I had none. The others are all 20 years old. Besides me and Aisyah that is. We're both 18 (at last I can say that! =P) I never thought I would say this but but but..too much air-condition sucks- our place is 24/7 air-conditioned. I never felt more dehydrated in my life. Be careful of what you wish for. Haha. Nevermind that.
I'm only taking 3 subjects since it's a short semester. Islamic Studies *groan* ,Malaysian Studies *double groan* and Health Science. In other words, it's an easy semester. At least final exams are before Hari Raya. Yay!
I've met Effa! Yayyyyy. Couldn't believe meeting her here. It's like another scene from Miri.

My first day of being 18. The birthday celebrations, the birthday songs, the birthday wishes. Even so, it was the loneliest birthday I've ever had. Smiling smiles and faking excitement I didn't feel when my housemates "suprised" me with a birthday cake. Listening to Ctah's and Lala's shrill voices singing a birthday song on the phone. Listening to my Dad's own version of Birthday Song. I longed to be at home. To have my usual birthday dinner, and cake, and presents and being the Queen of the house for the day. I longed to celebrate it with my family. None others. I wanted to wake up, knowing the moment I stepped out of my room Dad would shower me with hugs and kisses as if I was a 7-year old. I wanted all those.
Last time, I would rack my brain trying to think of what I wanted for my birthday present. Yesterday, all I thought was how hard it was to be 18. From 17 to 18. That one year period. It was long. It was rocky. It was not beautiful. Nevertheless, I'm here. I still have a long journey ahead of me. And I want to go through it. Not because I need to, but because I want to. I want to walk that path even if it's difficult. I never wanted anything so badly in my life. I want this.

One Art

2007-08-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice,a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop (1911-1979)

Reflection

2007-08-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

Imagine everyone; your parents' friends, your family, watching you grow up. Every single step you take is noted. Every single flaw. It's as if you're on a stage, and you have an audience in front of you. You can't afford to make mistakes. You can't afford to screw up. Everything has to be perfect. And perfection becomes a part of you because that's what you grew up with. You need the praises, you need the attention. You need people to tell you you've done well, after everything you've tried to accomplish.

Maybe now, I'm beginning to understand.

Let the wind blows

2007-08-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

Do you really care or were you just pretending all this while?

That's the question I feel like spitting at her.
But I didn't.
It's easier to avoid eye contact and limit my acquaintance.

How could anyone do that? No, not wondering. More like furiously yelling.

My heart refused to believe it. That was then. Now my mind tells me otherwise.
Just thinking that, knowing the chances are there stabs me in the heart.
To think I've been finding excuses for her. To think I've been defending her.
Now I just feel dirty. Now I just feel used.
There's always a loophole. That's what I believed on the first time.
Any human could make mistakes. But to ignore on the second time.
When the proof is dancing naked in front of me.
That would make me a downright fool.
I would have given anything to prove it wrong. That it's just one ugly mistake.
But it's not. It never was. That's what's so disappointing.

Ctah taught me it's not how long you know someone that matters, it's how well you know them. You could never know someone well enough, no matter how long. Not 18 years. Not 50 years. Not even a whole lifetime. Every part of me wants to feel angry. But all I feel, is hurt. And all I have are bitter tears. Pathetic.
Knowing now the smiles and the warmth are fake. She's one hell of an actress, that I can give her. Haha. Now I don't know who to trust. I suck when it comes to judging people. Big time. It's time to tread carefully.

Even now, they refuse to do anything. Letting bygones be bygones. Acting as if it never happened.

I didn't understand why.

But now, I think I do.

It's called sacrifices.

Beyond The Whites

2007-08-01T21:13:00.000+08:00

The first day of August. The eighth month into the year of 2007. Finally it's here. A year since the 1st of August 2006. I wonder what happened back then. Or the year before that. I couldn't remember. Our lives are pieces of dreams sewn together. There are dreams we remember. There are dreams we don't. Dreams which could keep us up the whole night. Or dreams we don't even know we had.
They say dreams are parts of our subconcious minds. The secrets which dwell within ourselves. Secrets we don't even know exist. The opposite of reality. What happened in dreams normally don't occur in real life. Well, that's why they're called dreams aren't they?
Somewhere between the fake and fact. Fantasies which reflect reality. Reachable but merely. It doesn't matter. In the end they remain what they are. Just dreams. They're not real. No matter how much we yearn them to be. They're just not real. Believe that.
But... dreams give us hopes don't they? A tiny flicker of hope. When you're left with nothing, and you have your dreams with you. And they make what unreachable seems...reachable. They make life's cruel games seem less cruel. Those are what dreams potray. Even if they're fake, they are all we have. They are all I have.
August is, has always been, magical to me. Maybe I've watched too many disney cartoons and movies, and oh, there's harry potter and Diana Wynne Jones's fiction stories, and the fairytales books, and Wicca. And a lot more. But August is magical. In glitters and in stars. The fact that it's not exactly the middle month, and not quite the end of the year. And for Malaysians we're guaranteed one day of holiday at the end of the month, which is a bonus point except for all the lame celebrations and having to pretend just how patriotic we are. No pun intended. But hey, one blank day stretches ahead of me? Count me in. Flag waving or no flag waving.
Nah, not because of all those. It's just nice seeing people happy. Even if it's just for a day. Even if it's just for a smile.
God, this peanut butter AND strawberry sandwhich totally ruined my dinner. Now I've to make a new one. Peanut butter doesn't go with strawberry. Sheesh. Where's the banana?
Tata :)

Teared Silk

2007-07-30T21:30:00.000+08:00

Hearing a bird chirped, I looked up. There it was. Black and white. I watched it for a while before it took off.

I recognised that bird. The same voice, the same colour, the same position. Amazed. Yes, I was amazed. Even after all these while, it's still there. But then, I couldn't be sure whether that was the exact bird. The one who was there while I was weeding. Or when I sat at the patio for ages, gazing upon the sky. It could easily be a similar one. I'm not a bird-watcher, I wouldn't know. All birds look the same to me.

Some things remain don't they? Untouched by the passing time. Yet some things don't. Changes occur without our agreement. Whether we like it or not, whether we're willing to or not. It's unavoidable. A whole lifetime process. Life changes and we're changing along with it. Adapting to different situations, protecting ourselves subconciously. Certain people look upon it as a kind of merit. Accept it as a part of you, and learn to deal with the 'new' you. Yet some people see it as a flaw. Reluctant to cope with it and move on.

Being back here, it reminds me of how things once were. It seems as if everything is untouched. Still the same as how I'd left them. Even though to the eyes, everything is different. I'm not talking about someone changing the cover of my pillow hug with the exact one and denied it when I pointed it out- as if I wouldn't notice it. It was like when my brother sprayed me with a strong scented perfume on purpose and the scent wouldn't go off no matter how hard I scrub. It happened, it has passed. But it's still there. The smell still lingers. And you suffocate, trying to hold your breathe as long as you could trying not to notice it.

There were moments when I asked myself what I was doing here. I should be out there, back to how I used to be. Tensed, all stressed up, finishing my assignments as how my friends are. Anything. What I shouldn't be doing, is being at home, taking a break, typing this post.
Mistake number one.
I have always been impatient. I have always rushed about. Maybe for this once I need to slow down. Not necessarily halt, but slow down. Finish that 2-hour movie instead of watching it in 30 minutes flat. Drink that one can of Coke instead of taking only a few sips before throwing it in the bin.

Up to this point, should I say I have regrets? Or would anyone believe me if I said I didn't have any? Because truthfully, I don't. Regretting means caring. Regretting means admitting my own mistakes. I do realised those. My mistakes. But they were mistakes which were meant to be. From your mistakes, you learn. I couldn't even say I wouldn't repeat them, because I know I will. I'm one foolish human *applaude* Somewhere in the future, I'll do them again. Everything will replay itself once more. In order to be forgiven, you must make sins. In order to realise, you must do something regretful enough. Only then they're worth it.

Standing at the brink of life. Stabbed by unexpected moments. I've been there. I don't have to dig deep into my past and look far to recall them. I don't need regrets and fears to ensure me of my journey. Just remembering those tells me, I don't want to experience it again. I don't want to go back there and feel those once more. In one step backward that's accidentally taken, I need to move 3 steps forward.
Funny.
I would never learned how random life is. I wouldn't be able to see how things aren't always as I want them to be. But hey, maybe it's not too bad aite?
Being strong in some ways yet fragile and vulnerable in others.

dumplings and pau

2007-07-27T23:14:00.000+08:00

Some thought I left because I couldn't stand it there, which was partly true. But not entirely. Some thought I left because Rina had left, which was pure bullshit. What people had in their minds, I couldn't be bothered to correct their perceptions. I don't have to explain myself to the world, much less to them. What's important, is that I know where I'm heading towards. What's important, is that my family and friends fully support me in taking the next step.

KUTPM. A scholarship to do foundation in Medical Science.

Thanks to Effa, the whole world has probably know this by now :P
That was the real reason I left. That was what I couldn't bother to explain. Even so, like every other time, I couldn't help wondering whether I'd taken the right step. Whether this road, was the road I wanted to go on. And where it would lead me to. I couldn't help feeling scared that I might not be able to meet up to people's expectations. Scared that I might let my parents down again. Scared that I might not have the capabilities after all. There was a point when I almost gave up. There was a point when I felt so worthless. That maybe, I didn't deserve to live. That was the mistake I almost made. Giving up on life, when it's the only precious thing I still had. I forgot life was a gift itself.
I've fallen a couple of times this year alone. Each fall hurt. Each fall diminished everything I'd believed in. Each fall convinced me living was futile. Up to the point where I felt I couldn't get up anymore. I couldn't muster the courage to fight because each time, I kept losing. Maybe, everything was destined to be. That was the moment when I didn't know myself at all. Who was I? The words I'd spoken sounded like they were someone else's. My determination, my stubborness. The light of the candle had been snuffed out. Everything wasn't there anymore. Not knowing who you were, that's what so hard.
But then dad told me if I wanted to give up, then I should have done that a long time ago. Before I chose this path, before I went through the hardships. It wasn't easy for me to figure out what I wanted out of life, and when I did, I shouldn't let it go. That was the choice I made, and I should hold on to it no matter what. Dad was right. There's no turning back now.
The truth is, I'm scared of growing up. It's painful. I'm scared of having to leave home and live alone. I'm scared without my parents with me. Deep down, I'm still a child.
All those- my fears, screw them. A life live in fears is a half-life. After all, I'm not alone in being alone aren't I? All of us are learning to be alone so we'll never be lonely. I'm through with playing safe. I'm sick of worrying. From now on, I'm going to live.

I find the great thing in this world is, not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.
(Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, 1749-1832)

A Step Closer

2007-07-26T10:09:00.000+08:00

Considering the amount of messages I've received so far, I could guess; the news has started to spread.
I've left KML.
So I only told a handful of people.
So I refused to have an ex-kolejians farewell party.
I didn't think it was necessary.
I didn't want to waste spending my limited time with those who weren't close to me.
It wasn't a big deal.
As Mira had said it, I liked doing magic. Disappearing suddenly without any hint.
That's not the case.
There were people I would like to meet again. There were also people I couldn't care less about. Those majority of people whom I didn't tell fell into the latter category. Who cares.
I felt neither sad nor happy.
I didn't feel relief nor did I cry.
I felt nothing.
How to sum up my 2 months and 9 days there? A second national service. Lol.
Did I regret it? No. No I didn't. I had awesome tutorial mates who ignored the lecturer in front and crowded outside to send me off. I had a super-nice roommate who walked through the rain to send me an umbrella when I'd forgotten to bring it. I had friends I know now I could always count on.
But Jo was right. I am, as what she always calls me, manja. I will always be.

Phase III of 2007, ended.

I Love You Dad

2007-07-25T22:53:00.000+08:00

Walk a little slower daddy
Because I'm following your footsteps

Ever since I was small, I looked up to my dad. Like every other kid, he was my hero. I wanted to be like him. He was always there. He was there when I threw tantrums and refused to go to school. He was there when I called him to fetch me at school because I refused to use the school's toilet. He was there finishing my incomplete homework early in the morning, and I went to school and got praises for it. He was there during every school break, sending me home-made food and accompanying me because I didn't want to eat at the canteen. He was there during my very first crazed for books, bringing me to Belle's, handing me a basket and asked me to put anything in it.
Then he got transferred. I was in primary 6.
As I grew older, I got used to him not being there. I started to view him in a different way. I started to notice his flaws. I started to see he's only human. That he's imperfect, and that he too, had his cons. I started to think that maybe I didn't want to be like him after all.
Fetching him from the airport every weekend was a routine. I would accompany mum every Friday night, 7 pm flight, and send him off again every Sunday night for his 9 pm flight. I didn't know whether it was me being me, or it's just the way things were but I started to shut him from my life. He wasn't there anymore. Everytime he asked about my studies or details about my life, I'd feel irked. I felt he was interfering, butting in where he shouldn't. He was away and so he didn't need to know. But no matter what, Dad was always being dad. He'd try to make up for what I'd missed during the weekdays, constantly trying to smooth things out as they once were. As always, that was never enough.
As time passed by, I began to understand why things were as they were. He was away because he was trying to provide us with a better life. He was away because he would never took away what we already had here. Our lives, our friends, our memories. He was away because he was our Dad.
Life after form 5 was something I'd looked forward to. Because I thought, then, I wouldn't have to depend too much on him. I didn't want to. I was wrong.
When I broke down and cried, he was the one who consoled me. When I skipped a lecture, he told me it was okay. When I told him I didn't want to be a burden to him, he told me not to be ridiculous.

"If you don't want to study there, then I'll bring you home. You're my daughter and I love you. You're always welcome here. There are always other alternatives,"

How could I forget what he had said? A daughter who was miserable and cried on the phone wanting to go home, that was me. After all I've done. And he didn't even get mad.
Someone who understands my passion, he understands the way I lead my life. He let me do my own errors. He told me it's okay to fail. He pushes me in the right direction. He taught me to dream big, to leave all the feelings behind and focused on what's important. What Dad says goes. Because I know he's right.
I learned that it's okay to depend on him. It's safe, because I know he would never let me down as I've let him down countless of times. He would never deserted me. He would never walked away. I learned that I needn't be cautious around him. I don't need to act. I don't need to pretend. He may not know me as well as my friends do, but I know that to him, I'll always be his little princess. As I always was. And for that, nothing else matters.
But I couldn't say all these to him. I want, more than anything else, to tell him how thankful I am, for all he has done for me. That he's the reason I'm still able to hold on. To say to him that I love him more than life itself. I couldn't. I would never be able to.
I love you dad.

Only

2007-07-25T19:26:00.000+08:00

It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
When you know you're cared for
When you know you're listened to
When a tear beats the sun down
When genuinity sails the rock
When what seems far is actually near
But what's near could seem so far.

It's when you hold on to your faith.
Keep it, and preach it.

A star on a vast of dark skies

2007-07-15T09:58:00.000+08:00

I am broken. Inside and out, it shows. Beyond mending. I don't know what to think, I don't know what I should do. Of the things I've said, but I couldn't do. I couldn't accomplish them. I've lost it. What I fear the most, I lost it. I would never be able to retrieve it back. I lost. I lost to life. I lost to myself.
But I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend things are okay. I couldn't bring myself to smile. I couldn't continue acting. I couldn't lie to anyone anymore. That I'm brave. That I could face it. Because I'm not. Because I couldn't. I feel I couldn't continue living anymore. I couldn't see anything ahead of me. For once, I'm at lost.
I couldn't remember the last time I really laughed. I couldn't remember being happy. A minute. Let me be happy without any worry. Let me laugh as if there's no tomorrow. Till my stomach hurts, till tears run down my face. Just a minute. That's all I ask.
But it's not possible.
If I were to be granted one wish, I wanted to start this year all over again. Back to January. Back to when all the decisions weren't made. Back to when I still believed in myself. Back to when I still knew who I was.
Let me be a shell. Let me be a human without any feeling. Because I don't want to feel anything ever again. I couldn't take anything anymore. As the days passed, I became more fragile. It was when I slept, and I prayed I wouldn't have to wake up the next morning. It was when I was almost hit by a car, and Rina pulled me back, and I wished she didn't. I wished she would let the car hit me. But debts. Remembering I still have debts with God, remembering I still owed my parents, I lived. That's what I told myself. I couldn't give up on life, whatever happens. I couldn't.
Everything I've said, I blew it. I couldn't do it. I failed.
I'm going to start things all over again. No matter how long it'll take, how hard. That's all that's left. And for that, I must continue fighting. Fight for what I want.
Despite that,
Mum and Dad,
I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm sorry.

Every Last Night

2007-06-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

Every last night. This is what I would feel.

It's not missing home. It's not waking up on another bed in another room. It's not not hanging out with my old crowd. Like a curse, the feeling of losing something. The unability to grasp it for life. It was then, when the world was spinning and the people in it were moving, laughing, talking merrily. I was lost in the middle of all those. People rushed passed by but I couldn't follow their tunes. I couldn't reach towards them. In that crowdedness, I was the only one who halted. All I could do was watched, and trying hard not to fall. Not to be stepped on. But I just stood there. I couldn't bring myself to move. Closing my eyes, hoping when I opened them, things would slow down.
The pace that I walked, the minutes that I used.

Fluffy and fluffy? That is so my thing.

2007-06-02T12:18:00.000+08:00

What am I doing here in my yukata, sipping a vitagen while typing a post when I should be taking a bath?
I need to cool myself; physically and mentally.
Ha!

I woke up this morning with a rare headache. The clock spelled 9.16 am. Shoot. I missed my L2B. As intended. Bwahaha. Lazy ^_^ Maybe next hols. Dumbfoundedly, I staggered ouside, just on time because my parents just got back from their morning stroll (ugh?). A quick chat and I went back inside and found Zatyfaty's lying on her bed, playing with her hp andddd

"Get up! We're giving the rabbits a bath this morning."

The mission: To cleanse and purify SIX rabbits from germs and bacterias a.k.a giving them a bath. Duh.

The items needed: 3 pails of hot water, their "bath tub", shampoo, huge towels, a hairdryer.

Here's how giving them a bath works:

1. Transfer one of the rabbits from the cage into the huge seramic pot- the "bath tub" which I stubbornly claimed belong to my rabbits and not my mum. You want to plant plants in it, you'll have to buy another one ;)

2. Shampoo + hot water. Scrub scrub scrub.

3. Wrap he/she in a huge towel (because they're huge themselves) and give he/she to Zatyfaty.

4. The blow-drying + combing.

5. Repeat step 1-4 with the other 5 rabbits.

Overall, it took 2 hours. Last time it only took an hour but since, there're 3 x 2= 6 rabbits now, everything was doubled. The hot water, the shampoo, the time.
That's not only it, collaborating with a diva made it harder.

" I don't wanna get wet!" That was what she said when I handed her a rabbit to blow-dry *eyebrows arched*

When you're bathing rabbits, you're bound to get wet. There's no I-don't-want-to-get-wet silliness. Besides, who wore a yellow DIESEL baby-tee with a stupid strawberry in front of it matched with grey cropped leggings when they're doing that kind of work huh? *roll eyes*
You wear an old t-shirt and a tracksuit, like me. You don't wear Diesel my dear. Nothing could beat the smile on my face when she was splashed by water by one of the rabbits. Hah. And I thought I was supposed to be the diva in this house. How wrong I was.

After the whole bathing thing, I let them out for a while. Some people might wonder, why let them out after they've bathed? Won' t they just get dirty again?
Ahhh. If I let them out before I bathed them, then catching them again would be an even harder task. Bathed a rabbit then paused for a while to catch the next one. 6 times of pausing. Hard work aite? Besides, a rabbit is suppose to get dirty. They're suppose to play with the dirt, and get splashed with mud. They're suppose to feel the rain and stuff like that. They're not suppose to be kept in a cage, shaded from the sun and rain, sparklingly clean. Haih.
Oh yea, Yuko behaved well *proud smile*
Okay, so he scratched my wrist deep enough, it bled but when I lost my temper and raised my voice at him,

"Yuko! Stay still! Shame on you!"

he obediently laid still on the grass and let me put him in his cage. Good boy.

Counting The Sand

2007-06-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

This old feeling, I've missed it a lot.

Zatyfaty, as I call her

Mum and her

One of the few pics I have with my sis

Both are mine

Times spend with these people, I love.

Candid

Me, Ctah, Asylla, Fara

A pose, from Fara and Ctah

Asylla, as she refers to herself, 'mpuan kacak' :P

Asy and Me

At last, Edwin agreed to pose for a pic

When Terey bowled

When Edwin bowled

When Ctah bowled

::Ctah during her seleyheness moments::

Due to my respect for Ctah, I posted this pic :P

::Handphone's camera fight with Terey::

The outcome: He won.

The reason(s): Obviously he had longer hands and that phone of his suddenly popped out of nowhere.

A Title, For The Untitled

2007-06-01T01:41:00.001+08:00

How do you judge a blog?
You don't.

In the past, before I posted an entry, I used to think; what would people say when they read this? I wrote for people. I wrote so people could judge. Then I thought, that's not how a blog should work. Shouldn't it? We don't write what people want to read. We don't search for the proper words.
We write the pictures.
We write the feelings.
We write the unseen.
Those are what make a blog, a blog. We're free to write what we want regardless of what people say. It doesn't have to be deep. It doesn't have to be meaningful. It doesn't have to be beautiful.
It could just be plain. It could just be simple. It's allow to be ugly. We're not all flowers. Sometimes weeds do grow. Sometimes the flowers do die. Then they'll grow back and the process repeats itself all over again.
Bloggers, don't go for praises. I'm not trying to win the Pulitzer prize. I'm not aiming for the Nobel Prize in Literature. I'm not writing to sell. I don't write so people would be awed and impressed. I don't need hundreds of thousands of viewers and readers.
I write simply to interpret myself in words.

I forgot how going through stuff works. I forgot it's not simply dividing your belongings into two piles; the wanted, and the junk. You're bound to pause and remember. You're bound to laugh, and smile and cry. You're bound to wonder and ask unanswered questions. All those, you would do. As I looked at certain photos, as I read certain things, I asked myself; Did I know this and that would happen? Somehow, did I? Could I have possibly thought of those?
No, I didn't. And no, I couldn't have.
I was so young, so innocent, so naive. We all were when we're still in diapers.
These things happen don't they?
Looking at things, I know I would spend a big part of my life trying to be someone I'm not. I know I'm going to spend an even bigger part of it trying to find who I am again. Those, when I'll think of them in the future, at least I'll know I've thought of them in the past.

*rabbits squeaked at 2.23 am for food ^_^*

Duty awaits.

Just So I Wouldn't Cry

2007-05-31T23:53:00.000+08:00

I............

am a schmuck. I am a putz. I am a moron.
Why?
Haha. Because I am. In the simplest word of words, I really am. In the deepest and most complicated sentences, I still am. Actions justify a person don't they? Actions justify me. Words do nothing, they mean nothing. They're so easy to manipulate, and I idiotically am so easy to believe them, I don't trust them anymore. Look at the ending, actions concluded it all. Look at the ending, it's the actions that hurt us. Words..they could easily mean something else aite? We say what we don't mean; we rarely do what we don't mean.

Trust, faith, believing.

Those words are something to us humans. They're in our everyday dictionary. Spoken, acted, meant. Yet it's still so hard to have them. I know, because I don't. Not anymore. I want to, but I just don't. If I could pick out the values I could have and feel...but I couldn't. Sadly, I couldn't.
Last time, I was so ready to admit I was strong. Inside and out, that's what I tried to potray. Was I? I don't know. Does not crying make you that? I cried once. Really cried. That's when I admitted crying was a real relief because I did feel relieved. 400 people were watching but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn. I just cried. It's not like I was gonna see any of them again anyway. The other one time when I did cry, was when my grandpa died. That was different. I practically choked trying to hold the tears back. My lung gasped for air, and I had to hold on to the table so I could support myself. So I could stand strong, for those who weren't. But that night, I cried to sleep. I felt weak. To succumb to my emotion, I felt weak.

From someone who didn't believe, I once did. Then I don't anymore. Just like that.

A For An Apple

2007-05-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

I've been searching for the answer to this one question ever since I was in form 3. It's a question denied by complexity. A simple enough question, it could be counted as a stupid one yet until now, almost 3 years later, not even one person managed to give me the answer that I wanted. I've asked that question to a lot of people, believe me. Some gave me answers based on scientific facts. Some gave me religious answers. Some looked at me weirdly with perplexity in their eyes and said it's all in human nature. All of these answers made sense, they're all true. Despite that, I could feel something's missing. Time and time again I would shake my head with frustration demanding for another answer. Those weren't the answers I wanted, I felt it in my heart. Even so, I don't know the answer. I just know somehow they're not the right ones. If anyone, plainly anyone, could answer that question, then that's the time when another stage of my life will begin. Until that time arrives, I would stay where I am, searching for the answer even if it takes my whole lifetime.

Oh, by the way, the question? Let it remains just a question for the time being ^_^

Girl In The Storm

2007-05-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

I fell down last night! I was looking up at the moon, not watching where I was going and the next thing I knew I was already down on the pavement! Scrapped my left knee. Bwahaha. Not sure how that happened though since it's not like the ground's uneven or I'd tripped over something or anything. Double bwahaha. Once a klutz will always be a klutz. It's proven!

I'm back to where I first started. Some things still remain but as time passed, I learned to cope. Life's okay so far. Haven't cried or felt homesick yet. Lol. I guess I feel numb. Just that sometimes, when I laugh, I feel afraid. I'm scared if I laughed, I would cry later. When that happens, I don't know whether I'll be able to stop. So I don't want to start :) Whatever I do, I couldn't help thinking that's only temporary; it wouldn't last. Happiness doesn't last, and so does grief. People say to enjoy your life as you live it, that's true. I couldn't do that much anymore. I'm more determined, more focus. I already know what I want out of my life, know how to make the best out of it. That's the best part. The not so good part is, now I'm ignoring everything. Whatever that doesn't have anything to do with me or my future, I tend not to care. I want to live my life without caring. I want to continue walking along the same path without regrets.

Question; Why are there a lot of mini buses in Labuan? They look really cute, no doubt, but why? Why don't they use normal-size buses which could carry a lot more passengers? Is it because Labuan's small, so they decided to use small buses? I did ask the bus driver but I don't think he got my meaning or he did but I couldn't understand what he was saying, lol. That question is killing me, seriously. It's a silly question but I really want to know!

Another bad part is......I don't know how to share food and drinks anymore! Meaning sharing the same spoon and fork or drinking from the same cup as others. Susah payah I learned to get used to that during NS! Gah. Sorry Seetah, hehe. I guess that time at McD was the last but at least I did know how to once right? :P

I wonder- if women, us, wanted to be treated equally as men, then why do we still act like women? I'm not talking about clothes and crap stuff like that. I'm referring to our attitude. We cry. We complaint a lot. We tend to make a big fuss out of nothing. We're fragile. We gossip, tittle-tattle and stuff yet we get mad when people say we're second to men. I'm not putting down my own sex- we do have our strong points which men don't have, yeah. What I mean is, well, if we're really equal to men, why act as if we don't have much brain most of the time?